Pure: an addendum

I had never posted any sort of addendum to my blog posts. I was and probably still am something of a brash little writer who doesn't think anything I say ever needs correcting, ever needs furthering. That really doesn't work well in the long run, because I'm far from a thoughtful writer. I just explode for a few minutes and a composition appears on the screen. I wrote this way in college, and after my sophomore year, I even stopped any degree of careful editing after the fact.

But here's a second addendum in just over as many days. The tide, indeed, is turning, and maybe that's because I'm becoming a better person and a better writer. I hope that is the case, at least.

I said in my post "pure" from last Tuesday that we can sit around and think about "what-ifs" forever. That's true....we could. But I did an inadequate job of intimating the sovereignty of God through all of that. I made what is not and what will never be a dream-like fantasy, and it sounded like I longed for it. Maybe then, I did. But it was a faithless longing and truly has no place in my life. Not only has God decided otherwise, but he has done so for the best of reasons....not even just the "best possible," because we don't use best possible to really mean best possible most of the time, but really, the best, the absolute, fulfilling all of your wildest dreams best. I apologize for my lack of faith, and I hope you do not do the same mistake in thinking about your past as I did last week.

The truth is, we don't know ourselves as well as we think. I thought, last week, that if, perhaps, our lives had never diverged, Katarina and I might have had something. But the truth is, that probably wouldn't have happened, because who I am and who I am becoming is not what's perfect for her, and she's not what's perfect for me. I've definitely come to realize in the past week that my disclaimed blueprint is even a large fallacy, and I didn't do a good enough job of saying that in my disclaimer. I have a strong suspicion that whoever I end up with will be wildly different from me...perhaps a republican that thinks foreign films are stupid and wouldn't read Pride and Prejudice for payment. I dread my future if that's the case, but if it is, and it still could be, I know God loves me enough that I would love that person more than anyone else in the world....from right here, without any scrap of rationality, but love, nonetheless....love is probably more inherently irrational that we admit most of the time anyway.

So I apologize to you, my readers, for presumption. God knows me, he knows you, and he knows Katarina better than any of us know each other or ourselves...and the same goes for his love. He's got the perfect person in mind for me (and you), and she could be wildly different from anything I imagine, but for whatever reason, and it doesn't have to be a reason I could ever know, she's the one for me and will make me unimaginably (from here) happy.

-Zack

"This life is ours for worse or better, and these dreams are ours to share together"
-Mae