Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pure: an addendum

I had never posted any sort of addendum to my blog posts. I was and probably still am something of a brash little writer who doesn't think anything I say ever needs correcting, ever needs furthering. That really doesn't work well in the long run, because I'm far from a thoughtful writer. I just explode for a few minutes and a composition appears on the screen. I wrote this way in college, and after my sophomore year, I even stopped any degree of careful editing after the fact.

But here's a second addendum in just over as many days. The tide, indeed, is turning, and maybe that's because I'm becoming a better person and a better writer. I hope that is the case, at least.

I said in my post "pure" from last Tuesday that we can sit around and think about "what-ifs" forever. That's true....we could. But I did an inadequate job of intimating the sovereignty of God through all of that. I made what is not and what will never be a dream-like fantasy, and it sounded like I longed for it. Maybe then, I did. But it was a faithless longing and truly has no place in my life. Not only has God decided otherwise, but he has done so for the best of reasons....not even just the "best possible," because we don't use best possible to really mean best possible most of the time, but really, the best, the absolute, fulfilling all of your wildest dreams best. I apologize for my lack of faith, and I hope you do not do the same mistake in thinking about your past as I did last week.

The truth is, we don't know ourselves as well as we think. I thought, last week, that if, perhaps, our lives had never diverged, Katarina and I might have had something. But the truth is, that probably wouldn't have happened, because who I am and who I am becoming is not what's perfect for her, and she's not what's perfect for me. I've definitely come to realize in the past week that my disclaimed blueprint is even a large fallacy, and I didn't do a good enough job of saying that in my disclaimer. I have a strong suspicion that whoever I end up with will be wildly different from me...perhaps a republican that thinks foreign films are stupid and wouldn't read Pride and Prejudice for payment. I dread my future if that's the case, but if it is, and it still could be, I know God loves me enough that I would love that person more than anyone else in the world....from right here, without any scrap of rationality, but love, nonetheless....love is probably more inherently irrational that we admit most of the time anyway.

So I apologize to you, my readers, for presumption. God knows me, he knows you, and he knows Katarina better than any of us know each other or ourselves...and the same goes for his love. He's got the perfect person in mind for me (and you), and she could be wildly different from anything I imagine, but for whatever reason, and it doesn't have to be a reason I could ever know, she's the one for me and will make me unimaginably (from here) happy.

-Zack

"This life is ours for worse or better, and these dreams are ours to share together"
-Mae

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sabbath Ponderings pt 2.: Walking Downhill

For the past two weeks, the pastor at the church I've been going to (which I would call "my church" if I could commit to it for a long period of time...but my entire life is too up in the air, and that truly is unfortunate) has spoke on two remarkably well known passages: The Great Commission last week, and The Good Samaritan just today.

Both times, he's said something about the context I've never heard, but it was quite illuminating.

Last week, with the Great Comission, it was the fact that "go into the world and make disciples of all nations" could be accurately, perhaps even more accurately, translated "while you are going into the world make disciples of everyone, not just jews" The not just jews part wasn't at all new...that's kind of the point, but the "while you are going into the world, making it something you're just doing, something that's just happening as you live life...that struck me. It made it a lot easier to apply it to everyone. The former argument had just been "trust me, Jesus didn't just say this for these guys or missionaries and pastors today, but for everyone." But the truth is, we're all already going into the world. It's just life... we're not living a sequestered life with other Christians 100% of the time. I've always said that you should take Jesus with you everywhere you go, and that's kind of my catch-phrase sometimes (which I probably stole from someone, I admit), but now, Jesus said that too...directly, to everyone.

Today, with the Good Samaritan, the ground-breaking insight had to do with the priest and the levite that passed the mugged-man by.... because they were going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, they weren't on duty. There was absolutely no real excuse for them to not touch the guy... I've often heard that they didn't want to have to purify themselves before they could get back to work, but the way things worked was that if they were headed toward Jericho, then they already had a few months off, since the priests and Levites lived in Jericho but worked, in multi-month shifts in Jerusalem. Jesus was basically saying that these men were upstanding and moral, or should have been... their station in life was a key to their presumed character, not some kind of out we like to give them, looking at it with limited Biblical knowledge a lot of the time.

-Zack
"And how could such a thing shine it's light on me and make everything beautiful?"
-David Crowder

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I feel like I should have an addendum to last night's post, so that's what this is.

I was pretty wrong about this weekend.

It's been good.

But what isn't good? The movie "The Goods." I strongly recommend avoiding it....

It's funny sometimes, maybe even a lot, but it's also mostly a waste of time.

I'm not sure why comedy films seem to insist on a generally low level of quality.... but they seem to. Maybe it's just because unless I'm invested in the franchise to some degree (Harry Potter), I tend to stay away from the corporate, hollywood cash-movies, except for when it comes to comedy....and for good reason; I haven't seen an action film of that ilk worth watching since Chronicles of Riddick, and that has a sort of underground, graphic novel vibe so it's not even quite the huge, overblown production things like The Dark Knight (most overrated movie ever, by the way) or Spiderman 3 tend to be....to say nothing of the non-licensed material stuff....like Surrogates, which might be the worst movie of the year by leaps and bounds, if The Goods isn't.

That being said, despite the crudeness, Judd Apatow is a brilliant director and his movies actually are pieces of art....not all comedies are trash (and you have to differentiate between the Apatow written and the Apatow directed... that should go without saying, but we, as a movie watching country, have suddenly started giving ridiculously undue amounts of credit to screen writers...but tell me this: how much better is The Forty Year-Old Virgin than Pineapple Express? The answer? They aren't even close.... but Apatow wrote the latter and directed the former, and it really does make all the difference in the world).

But anything with Will Ferrell in it (and he has a bit part in the goods) or that looks like something he would be in never fails to be a laugh-a-minute train-wreck of a film.


So.... I used an addendum to last night's post as a cover for talking about film.

Sue me.

I spent the last year using a graduation requirement as the same thing.

-Zack

"Restoration frees us here"
-David Crowder Band

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sliver of hope evaporated. No homecoming for me this weekend. That does equal a pretty dull weekend, I think.... but all of my weekends have been dull since one short-story worthy night in late July, so there's nothing new there.

As dull weekends go, I'm getting used to them, but one things you've got to get used to about them is that, as dull as they are going in, there are ways for them to be surprising.

The most surprising thing is I often don't know how I'm going to respond to it emotionally. Some say emotions are largely about Entry Posture (that's IV-speak for your frame of mind going into something), and I do think that's true (both because it is true and because I'll hopefully get paid to say it's true someday)... but emotions are kind of wild-card for extroverts... maybe they're wild card for everyone, but it's a lot easier to predict when you'll have free time to be alone to recharge than it is to predict extrovertable moments, especially on weekends which, after four years of college, are hard to dial down to mundanity (which isn't a word, but I believe it should be, so it is).... probably, additionally, especially on a weekend when I kind of feel like I'm being held out of a huge party going on in a place I long to be every couple of hours (that's a bit of hyperbole, but at least daily, it does sneak into my mind that "I wish I was in Wooster," and that happens even more often if I think about people and in times when I am fed up with the overall lack of extroversion, out-going-opportunities, and things of that ilk, that I certainly took for granted in college. I've always been a sort of borderline Introvert, but I've learned in the past two months that that's more a cultivated taste for refined alone-time than it is actual introversion. The truth is, without ample opportunities to process outwardly, I get naturally depressed and just want to sleep all of the time. Yesterday, I wrote the longest facebook message of my life (which is quite the feat, considering many of you have probably received the longest facebook message you've ever seen from me...well, maybe that's not true...but if you ask my past two girlfriends, they'd verify that...), and after the about two hours I spent composing it, I was in the best mood I've been in since leaving the Wooster caravan after Chapter Focus Week. It had been too long, since I had that sort of chance (and I probably took advantage of it, and I'm not totally sure the recipient of that message is all too pleased with it's length right now... the downside of being an extrovert with a ridiculous penchant for producing voluminous amounts of text without thinking is that you often take advantage of people and use them to get your extroverted fix.... not that I even intend to do that, but it happens without my thinking about it...I just get to writing and don't come up for any sort of air or reflection for a few thousand words....and I often have sentences of parenthetical statements embedded in much shorter sentences), so I just kind of exploded into a facebook message. Actually, there were a lot of "too long" things about that... it wasn't just my lack of social interaction leading to it.

Why am I even writing this right now? Let's be honest...if anyone likes to read this, is liking reading this right now, it's just because you're a good friend of mine and are interested in what I'm writing because it's me. There's nothing interesting here and it's just thinly veiled, near-emoesque complaining.

But I'm writing because I feel like I have to...because I don't have any other option to let anything out.

Last year and last semester especially, and really, largely in the last 3 years at Wooster, I would "read" in Common Grounds...not because it was a good place to read....it often wasn't, but no matter who was there, it was a place to talk to people. This often got awesome...this often got drastically unawesome... but it was something to do that was preferable to reading alone...always would be, even when I had to get the reading done by the next day...especially even.

Of course, it is not the exclusive need of an extrovert to have people involved in his or her life, to engage in social activity. But it's a need I feel acutely, and I know being an extrovert has much to do with that.

There must be balance, that's for sure....

And right now, my life is remarkably unbalanced to "space to reflect" side... especially when I'm not that good at "reflection" on my own in the first place.

That's why I have a blog. Not because I have anything important to say a lot of the time, and not because I really care that someone is interested in what I have to say (or feel that they should be...although sometimes I do)... really, I just need a place to talk, to feel like someone is listening....and I can't trick myself into believing that about a word document...or even God really. I have a healthy, oftentimes written (on my part) conversational relationship with God... but I don't feel like it fills the extroversion need.... I wonder if that merits exploration..... if it does, it doesn't tonight...but it probably does, by someone, sometime....maybe me, some day

-Zack

"I'm making plans to be with you, but have they come unglued?"
-Mae

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Open

I'm becoming a fan of one word titles again. I always have been, but I'm insisting upon them once more.


I think too abstractly, I think.

When I sat down to think about what to write for this week's weekly post, I thought through my life this past week (well, primarily since Sunday), and I started thinking about how to make it a linguistic lesson about reality.

I think I hide behind abstractualizing my life.

For instance, the post I almost started writing was about the difference between "letting go" and "giving up." But I'm not going to write that. I don't want to turn this into something truthful but ambiguous. It would largely defeat the purpose of why I would even write about phraseology in the first place.

That being said, I'm not sure how to write about what I even mean by all of that, because it's still very ethereal, very epiphanized but not realized here in my mind.

And now I kind of want to explain that...but it's kind of an essay, not a quick explanation.

Okay, I've got to get through all of this, all of these trappings of intellectualism and truth and just lay something bare, for my own sake.

I think I've finally realized how important it is to release things to God....not just saying "I'm not going to worry about it, because I know God's got it under control" but actually giving him control. The thing is, he's going to take and be in control anyway, if you try to live by his will... but there is something to be said of a true mental, emotional, even sometimes physical, release of control. I have been chalking much of my future up to faith recently...it's what happens when you've got to rely on unknown things coming through to move forward in life...but even so, I think I've been having control issues. I always think about what I can do. I want to know the next steps. But I've realized that it's not about next steps that I take. It matters that I take steps in faith, and God will provide. I've actually noticed that with my fund raising. I'll do a lot one day, and none of my work will pay off directly...but it's those days that things happen, even things I don't expect or from people I've struggled or been unable to contact. It's just about faith, it's always been about faith.

And it's not just about fund raising (which is hard to say...you mean there's more to my life right now? yes...there is, there really is). There are other things in my life that I've held onto, things I've tried to control, things I've worried about if I don't do something or make progress. But I realized this week that I've just got to let go of my control of them....and I don't mean giving up. None of this is about giving up. I'm certainly not giving up on fund raising (and I'm not stopping work with it either)... but I'm letting go of thinking I have any control over it. That was a wrong thought from the beginning.

Homecoming is this weekend in Wooster.... I still have a sliver of hope that I can make it. If I do, and it applies to you, I hope to see you there!
-Zack

"Lord please have sympathy
And forgive 'my cool young history'"
-Lupe Fiasco

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Pure

Her name was Katie when I knew her. I guess it still is, but she seems to go by Katarina now, and I had forgotten that her full name always was Katarina. When I finally did figure that out, this post started forming, but its taken me nearly two years to write, even though I just started actually writing it moments ago.

It seems people are more who they become when they are younger than I would have ever guessed. Or, at least, trajectories can be set. Or perhaps it's just an elaborate mosaic, slowly becoming my life, and an isolated incident.

I don't even remember what it was back then, but I remember it happened...maybe we were just the same age, in the same place, at the right time in our lives. I don't even know how old I was anymore.... 10 or 11 maybe? That sounds so young...my goodness, I hope my own kids are much older than that, but I know it happened before 1998...so before I was 11. Anyway, what I'm talking about was my very first crush. That was Katie. And it wasn't really just one of those dumb "I can beat you up" crushes.... I might write my total girlfriend history at some point, and that would actually stretch back to 1993, in Kindegarten. But Katie was different than those little things earlier in life. She was the mind-shift that put me on the path that would actually lead to my first girlfriend 5 years later. She was the first girl I legitimately "liked" in an at least similar style as to how I would "like" a girl today.

I think it's safe to say I'm a very different person now, than I was then. That was 11 years ago, almost 12. I'm a very different person than I was 2 years ago, afterall. I'm sure she is too. But our changes seem to have mirrored each other. That's proof for the sovereignty of God that I'm not sure many others will just see....it's one of those things in my life that I'll be able to look to forever and say "God always knew something we didn't, and always does."

No, I don't think I'll ever date Katarina. I'm sure I won't. As interesting a bit of storybook-wonder as that would be, it won't happen.

I found her on facebook almost two years ago. It took her over a year to accept my friend request. I was pretty sure she never would, but eventually, she did.

I know it doesn't mean anything. But it's just strange how similar we've become even though we're so different from how we were then. It makes me wonder what might have happened had we had the chance to really grow up together. Our older sisters are about the same age and they used to be best friends (our parents were good friends too, and our younger brothers...so maybe it just made the most sense). Both of our families were homeschooled back then and we met at church. Eventually, both our families left that church and we stopped hanging out with them. Obviously, because I was 11 and she was 11, nothing was ever official or really admitted from either of us, and we parted from each other as our families parted company via the changes in church attendance.

I wish there was more to this story, but my life isn't quite a movie or even a novel. There is no first kiss story, no first date story... I can't even think of any real time where we did much but argue with each other...because that's what 11 year olds do when they like each other. I like to think that had we been able to make it to 15 and still in contact, I would have had something of a high school sweetheart...I might even be married now. But that's all just a dream that clearly was never meant to happen. Who knows, really, how different my life is as a result..... There's a lot in my life that has changed by things that often don't happen.... who knows how different my life is because I ended up a year ahead in school.... or because my sister didn't realize she wouldn't stay at OSU-ATI for even a full quarter.... but you can't sit around wondering what life would be life if not for this or that....because the life one has is the life he or she is supposed to have, for whatever reason.

It's just interesting that, after all these years Katarina has very much, at least as far as I can tell from facebook, matured into someone, if things fell right, I could actually see myself with.... she's very independent, very literary, has been to europe, and her religious views sound like something I would say. Of course, she lives in New York now and has a boyfriend...it's just interesting to think about, that's all.

*disclaimer: that little list there, "literary, independent, europe, religious views sounding like me" is not a blueprint for the girl I'm looking for.... I don't have one of those, it's just that I know myself and I know the sorts of people I get along with best....and they happen to be post-modern, artistic, and adventurous. (but if I'm just going to be shallow, then I'll just add that freckles don't hurt either) *end of disclaimer

It just makes me wonder how much of who we become is coded in who we always are.... Katarina would be a very good friend now, if she went to Wooster and our paths crossed, I'm sure of it....and I haven't really talked to her for years.....and I'm a very different person now. But God always knew who we would both become.

That just makes me wonder a lot of things actually..... and I don't even know how to articulate it. It just seems that there is something about people, something about souls, that either does or doesn't resonate between them, and it just works or it just doesn't work...and nothing ever changes about that.

This is not to say that people cannot drastically change...because I know they can....I have. But it's interesting to ponder what that means for past, present, and future, when God is guiding you and He always knows the beginning, middle, and end of every story.....and my facebook friendship with Katarina has let me realize and reflect on that. I don't know what I would say, if I ever got a real chance to say anything to her. I sent her a facebook message back when I first requested friendship, but I don't think there's much reason to do that again. Just an artifact of my life at this point, I guess... Her birthday is interesting though.......

But I think I'm out of things to say for now.
-Zack

"Time will turn and tear us apart"
-Anberlin

Friday, September 18, 2009

Wherever you are, wherever you've been

I'm reading the books of Samuel right now. I kind of arbitrarily pick the next Bible book I read, but I at least like to think it's somehow spirit led. It only kind of matters, because I know I'll find something worth knowing at every turn.

Before Israel had a king, they had "judges." That's why we have a Bible book called "Judges." But a judge wasn't a king. He was kind of a prophet with an army.

Really, quite honestly, prior to having Kings, God really was the "King" of Israel. They only did what he told them, or they were punished for it (Judges, the book, is basically about people listening to God and winning or not listening to God and losing... really, I guess that's what the Bible is ultimately about too, in very differing ways as it progresses).

Since I'm reading 1st Samuel right now (I'm about 8 chapters in), I've been thinking about what that sort of set-up would look like in the modern world.

It's kind of frightening...I think I separate the Biblical rule of Israel from modern politics. And I think that's probably a good thing. Just think about it...what if there was, instead of democracy (or even fascist or Socialist totalitarian dictatorships, or juntas, or what have you) we had someone that claimed to be the voice of God leading our countries.

I wouldn't buy it for a second. I guess that's probably why, eventually, Israel wanted a king.

There, of course, are a lot of differences between now and then. For one, Israel had a single religion and were officially God's chosen people back then. They knew, culturally, familially, traditionally, spiritually, and a bunch of other "-ally" ways that someone amongst them was a prophet who would speak when God warranted.

That, and without the blood of Christ and his present and coming Kingdom, there wasn't the separation between Government and God and the overall inclusiveness of the covenant that we have today.

Anyway, it's just an interesting thought...to think that I would probably be one of the unfaithful in Israel back then...at least with my current rationality.

Of course, it is always a huge flaw in any thinking to try to apply your own worldview to an older system.... indeed, it's why many are anti-Bible in the first place, to say nothing of the pretty common (mis)conceptions about medieval or other pre-modern people.

*****

We didn't have internet at our house yesterday, and I realized how much I use it to maintain my sanity. Aside from not really being able to work (which was really kind of nice, but I have a problem with not doing things when I know I ought to...that's how I.S. wasn't really that bad...because it was far worse for me mentally to procrastinate), I realized that I feel very trapped at home much of the time. College definitely spoiled me, by basically always putting me in situations wherein I wasn't alone to at least some extent. Even in other internet free-times of my life, I have been in community, whether it be in China, at SLT, or any other conference. I cannot wait to move and start working on campus...for so many reasons.

****
I'm glad the Office is back on....it makes my Thursdays. Actually, Thursdays are kind of nice, because there's not really a lot for me to do on Fridays...Thursdays are kind of my demi-Friday. I do have stuff to do on Friday...just not as much generally and the week finally wraps up. Working solely at home (aside from FD meetings, which I don't really count as part of my "work day" since most of them aren't during the work day) makes life particularly interesting, because it both never ends and seems to never begin. I do a decent job of structuring my day, but e-mails come in all the time, and phone calls have to happen in the evening. It's just...part of doing what I do, and I think I mostly enjoy it. I'll probably enjoy it more when it's not my parents' house from which I'm working.

****
Books I've recently finished:

Love is an Orientation, Andrew Marin, IVP: A spectacular look at the Christian-GBL dialogue, and how we ought to elevate and change it.

The Dangerous Act of Worship, Mark Labberton, IVP: A spectacular look at what it means to truly worship and live a life driven by worship. It's written by a pastor and even though it seems to try to be geared toward everyone, I think it's best use would be by a pastors looking to revolutionize their church structure and purpose. As such, I especially recommend it for anyone involved in ministry...everyone in general too...but mostly those in ministry.

What I'm reading now:
The Major Plays: Anton Chekhov
The Iceman Cometh: Eugene O'Neill
The Ground Beneath Her Feet: Salman Rushdie
The Land: Mildred Taylor
War and Peace: Count Leo Tolstoy
Ordering Your Private World: Gordon McDonald
For Christ and the University: Keith and Gladys Hunt.

I'm reading two of those for InterVarsity training...guess which two!
My favorite of the bunch is The Ground Beneath her Feet... probably because Rushdie is my favorite author out of almost any bunch.

****

I'm watching the third season of Heroes right now; trying to finish before the new season starts Monday. I don't know if there is a single original idea in the entire series...it's basically an amalgamation of Watchmen, X-men, and, to a lesser extent, even Spider-man and Captain America. But it does it all well....very well. Even though there's only one character I truly loved (and she came and went all within the third season, even though I've not even finished it yet), the other characters are good enough and interesting enough that I want to find out what happens....and it's among the boldest and best-shot things you'll ever see on T.V., most especially network T.V., and of that, even NBC. Speaking of T.V., I'm hugely excited that the Office and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are back. They make Thursday so good....well, last night at least. Community, the new show after the office, is pretty good too... it's a good filler before changing to FX at ten for Always Sunny. Speaking of things on at 10, as much as the world seems to love Jay Leno's new show, I kind of hate that it exists. Aside from never being a fan of Leno and being very happy that Conan now fills an earlier and better timeslot, I just think calling it quits to keep doing the same thing everyday is a dumb career move and a sad excuse for NBC not having enough material to fill their timeslots. Do they even realize that between 10 p.m. and 1:30 A.m. they have three hours of the same format of show? And the half hour in there is the always bad local news? Oh well. In general, I care (and basically exclusively watch) about NBC far too much. Back when we lived on a farm, we only got NBC, Fox, and PBS...so of the standard networks, NBC became what I know and, essentially, what I stick with through good and bad, even though I don't have to do that anymore.
****

I think I've just run the gamut of things from my life I can possibly talk about without talking about sports. My sports thought for the moment? Delonte, I thought you were my boy.

Oh, I didn't say anything about music. Here, listen to the music here: www.myspace.com/mae....it's a whole CD, and it's my current album of the year.

Have a good weekend.
-Zack

"But all you need is faith
And hope will bring the brighter day"
-Mae

Sunday, September 13, 2009

UnSabbath Ponderings pt. 1 (hopefully the only edition ever): Our Eternal Moments

This weekend....

My goodness. I guess, right now, I feel alright. The Packers won. If that's the beginning of a great season (and here's to hoping it is), then I'll look back on it especially joyfully. How though, can I look back on this weekend as much more than something of a train wreck? I don't know...I don't know.

I don't know where to start either. My goodness.

I LOVED hearing "Wha' do ya know?" from the College of Wooster yesterday. Best start to a weekend Saturday all summer (well, maybe it isn't summer now...since graduation then), not counting the two wedding Saturdays...well, those began strangely, but it's more fun to be with friends than to miss them because you remember them from the topic of conversation on a radio show... Anyway. Even after that, when I watched like, 11 hours of football...things were mostly good. I guess watching 11 hours of football can leave a bit to be desired when it comes to having a "fulfilling day," but frankly, I didn't care, because it was a day I had been waiting for for an ENTIRE year. Like, really.... that was among the most anticipated college football days of my life. Then it ended poorly. SO poorly. I would have traded the Michigan win (I did like it. Til they meet, I always want Ohio State and Michigan to be undefeated) for an Ohio State win in a second (sorry Ben and Emily...even though I doubt you read this...). I'm not going to talk about it though. I just wasted a saturday. Like, all of it. Frankly, if it weren't for getting pumped, I wouldn't have cared to watch the other games. Then I got pumped for nothing....and when the game was at its most tense, my mom came in and started asking banal questions about football.... It ruined my grief, even. I shouldn't even say grief. I am sick of caring that much about football...but I'm sick of caring that much about a lot of things in my life.

And my funding even got awesome on Friday. Well, just swiftly much better. There's still a long way to go.

Anyway, Saturday was a dud. A total dud of a day...and that's putting it terribly lightly.

I don't have anything to say about Friday....I don't have friends around here anymore, so I don't do anything with anyone. I watched Heroes...I'm trying to finish the third season before the fourth starts.... As much as I like the show (though the first season was far too unsustainably good...), it's hard to not be with people on Friday nights...it just will be. I don't know if I'll get used to spending Friday nights alone.... Oh, and in case you're following me, I didn't go to Wooster on Friday....I should have seen that as a bad omen, perhaps....but I don't believe in omens.

Anyway, cut to today.

Strange, strange day. Really, not good. Really, just.....dumb. Bad. But, I don't know. I don't feel like I've had a terrible day. It was circumstantially bad, I guess. Or just....the exact opposite of how I would EVER choose to spend a Sunday.

I spoke at a church today...it went alright, from my part. I probably had too high of hopes...it's the church my family, as a whole, is the most tied to....my parents met there, my grand parents and aunt still go there, one of my other aunts is the daughter of a former minister. But missional is probably the last adjective of the entire lexicon you'd use to describe them. I'm not sure what to say otherwise. It's mostly a let down because I feel like dying after a church presentation...I don't know why, but I feel like sharing, even for a couple of minutes, is the most nerve-racking experience I've ever done...it's worse than Moot Court in a lot of ways...I think it's because I have no idea how I'm being received, and I'm never quite sure what the church thinks about missions, domestic missions, giving money at all, asking for money...really, the list is endless, and, just for an example, I've spoken in two Methodist Churches so far, and the receptions have been the direct opposite of each other....so I can't even count on denomination. Really, it's the pastor that's the best gauge...but even then, and, I want to feel this way about today, sometimes the church isn't on board with him all the time....especially with giving, because a pastor's salary depends on generosity too...so as long as I'm not viewed competition for the offering, the pastor can be very onboard and the people very disinterested.

Anyway, I don't want to libel a church that has meant so much to my family...indeed, I was baptized as a baby in that church....even though I'm not so sure how much I count that personally, since I'm kind of a mennonite now, and anabaptist means not-baby....

I don't even know what to say about my day after church. I didn't come home til 5:45 because my mom had to visit one of her best friends (and a front-runner for my entirely fictitious "least favorite person on the planet prize" ) for about 4 hours...when I finally got home, I had to be half an hour away from my house at 6....so I was late.

I'm not going to say much about that engagement at six, except that I felt really old and really out of place... it wasn't what it was supposed to be in a lot of ways, but I probably didn't expect the right thing either. It was to be a "young adults meeting" for a church I used to go to...well, no one else showed up...it was at the home of some prominent parents of prominent young adults at the church (of whom i'm at lest still kind of friends). It was good to see them again, but I felt like I was kind of sitting in on a Sunday night at their house...not quite what I was going for when I went. To ice that cake, I was, at one point in time, the 7th wheel...is that even possible? I don't know, and it probably wasn't an issue....but I noticed it, and I was slightly sad, as I sat amongst three couples. It's not fun, being single after college. I don't know...it just...wasn't the relaxing thing I needed...all day wasn't, after the church experience. I felt introverted, after the speaking bit...and I think that's because I needed to be very extroverted in the right setting....right now, that means talking to a good friend or writing...and I couldn't do either, til right now.....so kind of getting lost on my way to a meeting that was the exact opposite of what I expected, then it being what is forever going to be one of my least favorite situations (the only single guy amongst couples....but don't worry Wooster friends...we were close enough that it didn't matter, and I hope you all knew that without me even saying that...star trek, killer bunnies, nights at common grounds...it almost never mattered that it was 2 couples and me a lot of the time...especially when Liam (and RON PAUL!) showed up...oh, the good old times, and I mean that whole heartedly) was the last thing I needed today. I really can't even describe why it wasn't great this evening...it was even fun a lot of the time...but being on the go in fairly undesirable circumstances for over 12 hours...it just wasn't at all the best thing for me...and I feel selfish writing that...but it's so much the truth.

And there is a lot of personal stuff going on. Personal stuff I wouldn't mind sharing, but probably shouldn't because it's just not all about me....as much as I wish it was.

Anyway....I'm glad the Packers won.

I'm tired of being a Kanye apologist...I don't have to be, I know, but he's ridiculously misunderstood, and it's hard to stop respecting someone with that much heart...even if he has as big a deficit of tact and class as he has a heart....and it doesn't help that I basically agree with what he says when he acts ridiculous...

My grandma called me a good democrat around my dad today. That was awkward for many reasons...1. We don't see those grand parents very often because of politics 2. My immediate family is always a couple missteps on my part from kicking me out of the house because I'm not a republican 3. No matter what I think about anything, I'm not a democrat because I don't willfully identify with political parties....no matter how liberal or conservative I am or get, I doubt I'll ever drop the tenet from my beliefs that the two party system is flawed and, in general, political parties do more harm than good. 4. Grandma, don't say things like that...please. It's true, we agree on a lot more things than my parents and I do right now... but it's just not helpful.....


But I'm doing alright right now...even if that's just because the Packers won. I also feel like I'm on the verge of tears because it has been a very emotionally destabilizing weekend....no single events were huge...but it's just been a lot of things I didn't want to see happen....a lot a lot a lot.

Here I am though. Tomorrow is a new day. It's a new day for new funds to come in, it's a new day to praise the Lord, it's a new day to see love grow...it's a new day to start a new week for the Buckeyes....its a new day after a not so great, sometimes terrible weekend that was robbed of all the sabbath activity to which I've grown accustomed. But it is a new day and a new week.
Praise be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. For newness and renewal....and for sustenance when I've never been so close to everything going wrong at once.

He is still Lord of all. And I mean all.

May He bless you. I know, from Friday, yesterday, and today, that His love and peace really do transcend all of our circumstances....and they always will.

Oh, and I think I figured out where I want to go on my eventual honeymoon: Japan. That means a lot of things if it happens: A. I didn't stay single forever B. I actually had the courage to get engaged C. I made it to the Wedding! D. I'm either old or marrying someone rich/with a good job to afford a honeymoon like that E. I'm probably insane considering the chance of me ever marrying anyone I even KNOW right now is probably quite slim. Anyway...that was and still is a strangely inspiring thing from the weekend....weird enough as it is.

Have a beautiful Monday.....I've never looked forward to a Monday more.

-Zack
"When all else fades my soul will dance with you"
-Hillsong United



Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hello All the Time

Even though I'm not in school, it does seem that the weeks are going faster and faster these days. Maybe it's just the fall. I don't know. I'm sure they would be going faster if I were back in Wooster right now. But they're certainly going faster than they were in July. Maybe, as the year goes on, weeks seem to pass faster. I think that's how time works in general; it feels shorter and shorter the more you live.

I'm going to Wooster tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it for a lot of reasons. I'm getting a car, for one. That's very exciting. In addition, I've not been there since graduation...well, not since school started. I was in Wooster for a wedding in June, but that's very different than being there while school is in session.

I don't really know what I'm going to do while I'm there but pick up the car...I'll probably at least wander around campus for awhile...I'm looking forward to seeing it at least.

It's a little weird, because I do have friends left...but they are many and varied, and it's a Friday afternoon...I'm not ever sure how to go about making plans for it, and I doubt I could spend time with everyone, or even feel very satisfied about that time, any way you cut it. But I'll figure something out...it'll be good to be back, even if just for a little while....and it will be good to have a car, that's for sure. I'm actually slightly surprised that I've made it this long in my life without a car, living in places with no legitimate public transportation my whole life thus far. (and farther...)

I have decided, fairly unequivocally, that, as we can imagine it, the perfect post-modern novel is going to be a set of short stories that at least sound like a memoir (no matter what actually takes place...). The fragmentation of the format coupled with the individuality of a memoir, are at least in format, the most post-modern thing I can come up with because the traditional unity of a "novel" is gone. There is, of course, the existence of Finnegan's Wake which will always complicate things, but as much as that is the first instance of post-modernism (and I think I generally give it more credit than most...but I'm also the only person I've ever met that has read the whole thing), and as much as unity and center are very much non-existent, there is a way in which the book becomes its own center, which, while post-modern to an extent, is not other-centered enough to be truly post-modern. The great (largely evangelical, unfortunately) fallacy about the post-modern ideology is that it means all truth is destroyed and anything that makes any sense or has any foundation is wrong....but that's simply not the case....it's really an examination of how we determine our truths and discovering that largely, we do it looking at ourselves and our circumstances. I must admit that, as a Christian, my post-modernism is different in that I believe in God's divine orchestration behind it all and Him as the only center...not everyone is going to look at it that way and not everyone is going to call that post-modern. But my point is, in all this, is that post-modernism is at its truly most useful when it realizes, gives agency to, and validates the things that are not the personal individual. Thus, a series of self-contained short stories that tie into each other, admittedly coming from a view point that sees itself as a view point and nothing more, would be the final form of the "post-modern novel." I could be wrong, but when I say final form, it's because eventually, post-modernity is going to make terms like "novel, poem, prose, article, essay" disappear because they are necessarily limiting and imply a terrible form of unity. One of my more legitimate English major pals at Wooster did his Jr. I.S. on the existence of prose poetry. I don't know what he determined, but I believe the possibility of prose poetry is the literary sign-post of post-modernity truly taking over....prose-poetry is a logical and linguistic fallacy....but at some point, we'll all realize that deep down, logic and linguistics were the real fallacy all along.

I'm not sure why I go on those rants...especially when they're specifically literature driven....and every time I'm down with one, I wonder, for even just a minute, if I'm not wasting part of myself by not pursuing literature further....who knows, maybe someday. I don't know why I would get two masters degrees, but I don't know how I could choose one in literature without one in film.....but right now, and for the foreseeable future, that's a part of me but it's largely a part of my past because I'm in ministry now.

But I don't imagine I'll stop enjoying literary discourse anytime soon.

The book of Jonah ends spectacularly....with a question. In the tNIV, it's "and the many animals?" which is amusing...but aside from that, what's important is that, even though it's 4 chapters long, we see so much of God's heart in that slight book. Jonah is apparently devoted to God enough that he could be a prophet...but God basically tells him "I will look out for you, but who are you to question me? All these people you think are so evil, and really, trust me, they were more evil than even you knew, well, I love them a lot too. Indeed, there are a lot of them, and you know what, I don't just care about them, I even care about their animals. Sure, you're my servant, and that's great and all, but do I not have to right to love everyone as you already claim I do?"

Isn't that what so many Christian already do? Muslims...gays and lesbians...abortion doctors...those are kind of the big three, but I'm sure there are more...it's like the modern day Ninevah for the collective Jonah of American Christianity....how much do we really want to see God work in their lives? It's too common...indeed, it's about the only thing I ever see, that there is much condemnation without forgiveness. We see from Jonah, even when Jonah was sent to warn the people that God was going to destroy them (which is something we are NOT called to do as Christians...), that God's forgiveness will always trump God's wrath.

I can't claim to have all the answers, and I'm not saying sin is at all okay....but I am saying that God's heart is more than big enough for everyone...and that includes those we think without hope the most. But the truth is, I'm just as bad as the most Christian-hating, plane hijacking, mountain-hiding Islamic "terrorist," save for the redemptive blood of Christ. Maybe it's a buzz-phrase to say things like that....to say that we're all equally terrible but for Christ...I certainly hear it a lot. But it actually is the truth.....but it's the truth in negative terms. In positive terms? That same person, described above, has just as much hope (perhaps more) in Christ as I do.

Have a great weekend. I know I plan to do the same.
-Zack

"The rhythm is the message"
-Flobots

Monday, September 7, 2009

The things you share with people when you're uncool...

I watched Almost Famous last night...and it's incredible. I can't believe I got through college with only barely ever hearing about it...but it's amazing. I got it from the library...I might watch in again before I return it on Saturday.

So...that's a movie recommendation. See Almost Famous. It's great. And it's got the guy from saved (Patrick Fugit).

Sunday, I read all of the auxilary Harry Potter books...they're short, and quite fun. That's a recommendation too...if you're at all into Harry Potter (and I think you should be...)

I am so happy College Football is back....I don't know if I've ever been this happy about it, at least in the last four years, and probably in my life. For the last 8 years, it meant football season started for band...which was always fine, but it always spread out my football-interests and shaded the season to be something else in my life (that and it meant school was back)...but now, I'm super excited about football again, and even more excited about school being back. Even if I'm not on campus yet, once I am, school being in session, from semester to semester and (Lord willing) year to year, will always be exciting and exhilirating...probably exhausting too, indeed, I know it will be....but it's always going to be incredible!

Hard, too though, I'm sure.

On multiple occasions this summer, praying in decided earnest has rendered real results...specifically, praying specifically, in earnest, decidedly. Two, specific occasions: 1. while my dad was still looking for a job, in late July, I decided I would pray specifically, every night, that he would find a job the next day. The very next day, he got an interview..for nearly two weeks, he either had an interview or got an interview set up every single day. The third week, nothing seemed to be happening, but then, on that Friday, he got a job. That may not sound like much, but before my prayers took that form, he was getting maybe one or two calls a week and had had like, 3 interviews in four months.

More recently (like Wednesday) I came to the conclusion that even more than my funding, I needed my own car...that way, I could really get going with my life....praying specifically that God would provide a car, tonight, I'm well on my way to getting a car. Sure, it's not like a miraculous free car or something...but it's something I can afford right now (sorta free til the end of the year...)...and I know God provided that.

Maybe you could call it all coincidence. But I don't.

Anyway, pray specifically, in earnest.

That being said, there are still a lot of things in my life that I have been praying for specifically for a very long time...and patience is still a huge part of it. God's timing isn't going to be superceded by your decision to care more about your prayers and be specific.

And sometimes, God's answers won't be what you want...or expect.

-Zack

"Finally over, just get over- time will tell if all turns out okay"
-Anberlin

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Way Things Look from Here...

Congratulations if you visited this site before anything was written in this post and you saw a messed up version of the title...my finger slipped while writing it and it was posted well before it ought to have been. If you did happen to see this page in that state, I'm impressed by your happenstantial timeliness is checking for updates. I don't know if happenstantial is a word or not, and if it is, if I spell it correctly...but if it's not a word, it might be the "not a word" I use the most, not including things with "ness" and "ish" attached, because I am a firm believer that while they may not be "accepted" in our lexicon, they are, indeed, real forms of each and every word, whether it is acknowledged by everyone or not....

Communism, I do believe, is a more Christian way to organize a government than neo-conservatism, because last I checked, Jesus would rather everyone share all their stuff than go to war, mercilessly deny basic human rights, and call the impoverished "lazy." I am on the borderline of calling that incontrovertible Biblical truth, but I won't for now, because "more" and "less" are far too subjective....and I used "more" to start that little principled rant.

I love Earl Grey tea....about a year ago, maybe a little more than that, I couldn't stand it...I'm not sure what happened, but I'm quite the fan now...it's especially good if it's a blend with a good bit of lemon flavor somehow included.

Yes, I just flipped from controversial political positing to talking about tea.

But tea and communism have a lot to do with each other, actually. I'm not going to go into that, but think about it, especially if you take into account the little-known but very real communist under-growth of the early Indian government following Britain's dispossession of the country.

It's been a strange week for a lot of reasons. I'm feeling (I think) far too optimistic about my funding situation right now...I haven't seen any real progress this week...like, at all. Well, kind of technically, but nothing "countable" yet...and yet, I'm feeling okay about it all. I sincerely hope that's a sign that God is granting me peace about it all and not a totally false sense of security. I think it's better to err on the side of optimism about it no matter what's going on... God is going to provide, no matter what...and as long as I keep up my end, doing the work to give people and opportunity to give, He will be faithful. I may never "hold up my end" perfectly, but I do what I can, and I get better at it, as time goes on...and this is just the beginning of a long journey, because no matter how long I'm on staff with InterVarsity, it will probably be a long time before I'm done with the missionary life for good...Indeed, I will either retire from "the field" to retire for good, or retire to pastor a church or something....but that's a long way away, with only the potential couple years I might spend in seminary as a reprieve from this all..... Thinking about it long-term like that makes it seem not so bad...I'm at 19% of my first year's budget, but that's 19% from relationships I'm still building, still establishing...networking that could and will expand over the years. It should be higher...but it will grow, I am sure, in time. Certainly, s more and more of my friends graduate and go on to lucrative careers, I could probably flip from poorly funded to over-funded quickly....there's really no such thing as "over-funding" though, because overages either go to other staff that need the help or go into an "escrow" account for potentially not-so-good fundraising days. Well, that's how InterVarsity works...I have no idea what it will be like when and if I'm ever not with InterVarsity....either way, it's not a prospective life I'm all that worried about right now. I do wish I could be on campus right now though...I'm sure god is doing great things that I'm not a part of yet...but I know it will come in time.

I decided yesterday that "liminal day" is a better day for Wednesday than "hump day." If you follow me on twitter (which I kind of doubt...but it's www.twitter.com/dulacian), you already know that. It just makes sense...it's between the two sides of the week, and at colleges, it's the party day before the weekend arrives...I was never much for Wooster Wednesdays, but in any event, there is a certain liminality to that whole concept. Actually, I think we've always thought of Wednesday as liminal but we've rarely said it, as a culture. Well, I'm saying it. Not that it really matters....it's just the nickname for a day of the week.

Today marks six months since I turned in my I.S....#28. I remember that day super, super, super well. Aside from turning in my I.S., it was also the day before I left for Spring Break, which I did 3 days early to visit Hillsdale before returning for the Urban Plunge...the second best of my three plunge experiences....it was great, but nothing could ever top that first year. But I digress...it's incredible, unbelievable, astounding, that it's already been six months. For as long as I.S. haunts the experience of a Wooster student (nearly 4 years...) it's hard to believe that I haven't had to worry about it for so long already. I must admit, I don't think about it much anymore, aside from when I'm watching a Coen Brother movie...which isn't often, and I even sold all but three of them earlier this summer. I.S. is a good experience that can, at least, as it did for me, be pretty empty by the time it's over. It feels like an accomplishment, and indeed it is, but what good does a 100 page analysis of 7 Coen Brother films do for the world? Very little. Indeed, it does very little for the world of Coen Brother analysis...which, ultimately, I left unengaged to the point of costing me Honors. I don't care though...really, when it comes to the last 3 years of my academic life, I didn't care about anything expect enjoying myself and passing...which I did easily on all counts. You really do get derivative returns from effort when it comes to education. I learned a lot, mostly how to think about things from multiple angles and how to love people a whole lot more while in college...but only part of that had anything to do with classes...the college experience, while perhaps engaged in to become academically distinguished, is ultimately more valuable in the life experience that goes alongside it.... If one could take all of my classes at Wooster without living anywhere but their own home, eating all their own meals in that home, not only would I feel like I have a better education, but I think it would be fundamentally different. Classes are part of college, but just a part....and it's not even about the social things you miss (although those do matter)...it's about the new world every single college student is forced to navigate....together. Certainly there is academic value in classes, and commuting does make sense for many people...but there is a lot to be gained from not commuting, and there is a lot to be gained, indeed, just from the action of choosing not to commute, or not to live off campus. So...that's what I.S. means to me, six months since; I think many of the lessons I learned in I.S. had less to do with research, writing, and film, and much more to do with endurance, spiritual sustenance, and my own ability to work through pressure, stress, and things I just don't want to do sometimes.

A lot happened that day that wasn't I.S. too.....I went to Streetsboro to help Mark Hayward find a car (didn't work out...)...I was a total (but unintentional) jerk to my roommate because I spent three hours talking to someone when I thought it was going to "end anytime now" half an hour in, and I enjoyed a sense of relief I might never feel again...but I'm okay with that for the time being....and Eric Chen visited Wooster. That's pretty cool.

-Zack

"Just like the sun, but more like the moon"
-Mae