Pure

Her name was Katie when I knew her. I guess it still is, but she seems to go by Katarina now, and I had forgotten that her full name always was Katarina. When I finally did figure that out, this post started forming, but its taken me nearly two years to write, even though I just started actually writing it moments ago.

It seems people are more who they become when they are younger than I would have ever guessed. Or, at least, trajectories can be set. Or perhaps it's just an elaborate mosaic, slowly becoming my life, and an isolated incident.

I don't even remember what it was back then, but I remember it happened...maybe we were just the same age, in the same place, at the right time in our lives. I don't even know how old I was anymore.... 10 or 11 maybe? That sounds so young...my goodness, I hope my own kids are much older than that, but I know it happened before 1998...so before I was 11. Anyway, what I'm talking about was my very first crush. That was Katie. And it wasn't really just one of those dumb "I can beat you up" crushes.... I might write my total girlfriend history at some point, and that would actually stretch back to 1993, in Kindegarten. But Katie was different than those little things earlier in life. She was the mind-shift that put me on the path that would actually lead to my first girlfriend 5 years later. She was the first girl I legitimately "liked" in an at least similar style as to how I would "like" a girl today.

I think it's safe to say I'm a very different person now, than I was then. That was 11 years ago, almost 12. I'm a very different person than I was 2 years ago, afterall. I'm sure she is too. But our changes seem to have mirrored each other. That's proof for the sovereignty of God that I'm not sure many others will just see....it's one of those things in my life that I'll be able to look to forever and say "God always knew something we didn't, and always does."

No, I don't think I'll ever date Katarina. I'm sure I won't. As interesting a bit of storybook-wonder as that would be, it won't happen.

I found her on facebook almost two years ago. It took her over a year to accept my friend request. I was pretty sure she never would, but eventually, she did.

I know it doesn't mean anything. But it's just strange how similar we've become even though we're so different from how we were then. It makes me wonder what might have happened had we had the chance to really grow up together. Our older sisters are about the same age and they used to be best friends (our parents were good friends too, and our younger brothers...so maybe it just made the most sense). Both of our families were homeschooled back then and we met at church. Eventually, both our families left that church and we stopped hanging out with them. Obviously, because I was 11 and she was 11, nothing was ever official or really admitted from either of us, and we parted from each other as our families parted company via the changes in church attendance.

I wish there was more to this story, but my life isn't quite a movie or even a novel. There is no first kiss story, no first date story... I can't even think of any real time where we did much but argue with each other...because that's what 11 year olds do when they like each other. I like to think that had we been able to make it to 15 and still in contact, I would have had something of a high school sweetheart...I might even be married now. But that's all just a dream that clearly was never meant to happen. Who knows, really, how different my life is as a result..... There's a lot in my life that has changed by things that often don't happen.... who knows how different my life is because I ended up a year ahead in school.... or because my sister didn't realize she wouldn't stay at OSU-ATI for even a full quarter.... but you can't sit around wondering what life would be life if not for this or that....because the life one has is the life he or she is supposed to have, for whatever reason.

It's just interesting that, after all these years Katarina has very much, at least as far as I can tell from facebook, matured into someone, if things fell right, I could actually see myself with.... she's very independent, very literary, has been to europe, and her religious views sound like something I would say. Of course, she lives in New York now and has a boyfriend...it's just interesting to think about, that's all.

*disclaimer: that little list there, "literary, independent, europe, religious views sounding like me" is not a blueprint for the girl I'm looking for.... I don't have one of those, it's just that I know myself and I know the sorts of people I get along with best....and they happen to be post-modern, artistic, and adventurous. (but if I'm just going to be shallow, then I'll just add that freckles don't hurt either) *end of disclaimer

It just makes me wonder how much of who we become is coded in who we always are.... Katarina would be a very good friend now, if she went to Wooster and our paths crossed, I'm sure of it....and I haven't really talked to her for years.....and I'm a very different person now. But God always knew who we would both become.

That just makes me wonder a lot of things actually..... and I don't even know how to articulate it. It just seems that there is something about people, something about souls, that either does or doesn't resonate between them, and it just works or it just doesn't work...and nothing ever changes about that.

This is not to say that people cannot drastically change...because I know they can....I have. But it's interesting to ponder what that means for past, present, and future, when God is guiding you and He always knows the beginning, middle, and end of every story.....and my facebook friendship with Katarina has let me realize and reflect on that. I don't know what I would say, if I ever got a real chance to say anything to her. I sent her a facebook message back when I first requested friendship, but I don't think there's much reason to do that again. Just an artifact of my life at this point, I guess... Her birthday is interesting though.......

But I think I'm out of things to say for now.
-Zack

"Time will turn and tear us apart"
-Anberlin