Open

I'm becoming a fan of one word titles again. I always have been, but I'm insisting upon them once more.


I think too abstractly, I think.

When I sat down to think about what to write for this week's weekly post, I thought through my life this past week (well, primarily since Sunday), and I started thinking about how to make it a linguistic lesson about reality.

I think I hide behind abstractualizing my life.

For instance, the post I almost started writing was about the difference between "letting go" and "giving up." But I'm not going to write that. I don't want to turn this into something truthful but ambiguous. It would largely defeat the purpose of why I would even write about phraseology in the first place.

That being said, I'm not sure how to write about what I even mean by all of that, because it's still very ethereal, very epiphanized but not realized here in my mind.

And now I kind of want to explain that...but it's kind of an essay, not a quick explanation.

Okay, I've got to get through all of this, all of these trappings of intellectualism and truth and just lay something bare, for my own sake.

I think I've finally realized how important it is to release things to God....not just saying "I'm not going to worry about it, because I know God's got it under control" but actually giving him control. The thing is, he's going to take and be in control anyway, if you try to live by his will... but there is something to be said of a true mental, emotional, even sometimes physical, release of control. I have been chalking much of my future up to faith recently...it's what happens when you've got to rely on unknown things coming through to move forward in life...but even so, I think I've been having control issues. I always think about what I can do. I want to know the next steps. But I've realized that it's not about next steps that I take. It matters that I take steps in faith, and God will provide. I've actually noticed that with my fund raising. I'll do a lot one day, and none of my work will pay off directly...but it's those days that things happen, even things I don't expect or from people I've struggled or been unable to contact. It's just about faith, it's always been about faith.

And it's not just about fund raising (which is hard to say...you mean there's more to my life right now? yes...there is, there really is). There are other things in my life that I've held onto, things I've tried to control, things I've worried about if I don't do something or make progress. But I realized this week that I've just got to let go of my control of them....and I don't mean giving up. None of this is about giving up. I'm certainly not giving up on fund raising (and I'm not stopping work with it either)... but I'm letting go of thinking I have any control over it. That was a wrong thought from the beginning.

Homecoming is this weekend in Wooster.... I still have a sliver of hope that I can make it. If I do, and it applies to you, I hope to see you there!
-Zack

"Lord please have sympathy
And forgive 'my cool young history'"
-Lupe Fiasco