Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Precipice

This is the 260th post I've started since migrating to blogspot.  That doesn't mean anything to me, because I've got a large volume of unfinished, unpublished posts.  That number doesn't mean anything to me, and I don't know how many actually-published posts I've got.  I don't care either.

Tomorrow is my last day at Hillsdale.  While the plan had been that I'd return for New Student Outreach in the fall, extenuating circumstances ended up dictating otherwise.  I'll be starting at Cleveland State right away in the fall.  I'm excited about that.  Very excited.    It will be the beginning of the work I feel like my life has been tending toward forever.  I'll finally be doing something the feels like something I'm supposed to be doing.  I'll be able to be me.

But I've got to get through tomorrow, and right now, that's got me pensive.  I can't wait to move onto the life I'm more excited to lead.  I can't wait to finally have a home again and be married.

But, for all its faults (and trust me, they are multifarious), I'm going to hold some slight place in my heart for the first campus I ever staffed.  More than that though, because honestly, I think Hillsdale is an institution adding to the destruction of all that is good faster than they're making a positive influence in the world, I'm going to miss the people.  Say what you will about the college itself and most of the people it attracts, at least 3 or 4 of the people it, at some point, for some reason, attracted, are people that I've come to love, and I will miss them, even if I enjoy my next place more on the whole.

It's where I grew up, where I first lived truly alone, and where, honestly, I had to be to meet and get to know Alexandra to the point that we ever started dating.  God knew what he was doing even if, objectively, from the other side, I probably shouldn't have been placed at Hillsdale as a single guy from Wooster.  But this is an instance where hindsight doesn't work like it normally would.  As far as I can tell, I shouldn't have been placed at Hillsdale, but looking back, hindsight says it was the best thing.  That's an analog for the Kingdom of God, it really is.  He used Hillsdale in me, and somehow, he used me at Hillsdale.  It turns out, in the end, that no matter how much you might want to leave somewhere, it's never really easy to say goodbye.

But I'm diving in.  In just a few short weeks, I'll be wrapping up all association with Hillsdale students when Chapter Focus Week ends.  That will probably be harder than tomorrow, because most of the students I'll miss the most are going.  Tomorrow night, at 9:30 though, I'll sing the benediction with the whole crowd one last time, but I know I'll never forget it.

Truthfully though, I haven't been myself very often at Hillsdale.  For all their trumpeting about freedom, I've felt nothing if not chained to closet what I wish I could say and do on campus.  "Walking on eggshells" doesn't begin to describe how its always been while I've been on campus.  I can't wait to get away from all of that.

And yet, I'll dearly miss some of the people.  It's hard to believe that tomorrow is my last new day prayer, my last student appointments in AJs, my last Unite.  I'm glad to be ending at the beginning of the year I think, because at least I'm not the only one going through all of the lasts this time around.

In related but entirely separate realms, this is quite possibly my last night living alone too.  It's been a good run, but I'm a worse person when I'm not in more constant community.  I'm looking forward to experiencing that again; something I've not had since moving to Hillsdale.  Part of that is my fault, but socializing with people associated with Hillsdale college, when you're not one of them, is like grasping for straws with both hands tied behind your back.  To not be an outsider to even some takes an eternity; to be accepted fully in the community requires a long-form birth certificate, extensive voting history, and panoply of republican candidate bumper stickers.  The requirements lessen with age, but I'm far too young.

It's a war inside of me; wanting to not-leave the people I care about; the people I want to continue to see grow versus wanting to leave as quickly as possible for more fitting and enjoyable pastures.

The war ends tomorrow.

-Zack
"There is a designer, the lament and cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was meant to be"
-Mumford and Sons

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Window

Presented with the facts, we just turn away and look at what we want to see; listen to what we want to hear; feel what we want to feel.

There's a subconscious power-struggle inside of me, between what I want to write and what I feel like I should write.  Neither is really right.

I've never had a format I liked.  The only lasting format was when I'd write daily updates and talk about what I did during the day.  I can't and won't post daily on here and I wouldn't want to write about what I do everyday.  It's probably more exciting than what I did during High School, but that doesn't make it actually exciting.

Because my last two posts were serious and spiritual, I feel pangs of regret that I don't really have the will to do that right now.  I feel like I should keep that up.  I feel like I should develop a theme and thereby, perhaps someday, develop a readership.

But that's not why I write this.  In all honesty, I write this, recently, because I can't think of where to go in other things I'm writing during my designated writing-time each day.  I write just to fill up an hour.

That's not to say I didn't mean the last two posts.  But they were fabricated out of needing to fill an hour more than inspired by something passionately welling up inside of me.  That's not to say, either, that I'm not passionate about what I wrote.

But I'm not passionate about writing theological, philosophical, sociological critiques, analysis, or whatever you wish to call anything in those veins that I might write.

I'm passionate about words; how they fit together and what they express.  I don't believe in definitions; I believe in the supple arbitrariness of language, gaged by the understanding of the readers- so I strive for accuracy, but hate when people make arguments based on definition or mis-definitions.  Words don't mean anything I don't mean them to because if they did I wouldn't use them as I did.  The only reason knowing what a word means means anything at all is just so you can interpret what I'm trying to say.  But you'll never quite know because you're not me.  Nor will I ever know what you read when you read what I write because I'm not you.  Italicized words mean much less when you use too many of them.  It would hold then, that an italicized word has no real meaning on its own; just like the rest of language.

I don't know really, what that means for The Bible.  I actually change my opinion on that every day it seems.  But I do know that the meaning the Bible signifies is the word of God.  What the Bible says, however, is a different matter.  Most would say you can't divorce the two, but I don't see how to do anything else.  If there's not meaning bigger, broader, larger than the words on the page, I don't know if I could believe the Bible as such. It's just another book at that point.  Words don't do anything if they're not signifying a meaning apart from themselves.  


There's a lot of hubbub about "accuracy" in translations of the Bible, but I don't quite understand why.  Actually, I do understand why, but I hate the fact and would rather pretend not to acknowledge it than give it the thought-space in my brain.  I don't really care, what the Hebrew says or what the closest English equivalent is or has been.  I care what the Hebrew is signifying, and I want the best way to express that to a reader or hearer.  But every reader/hearer is different.  We're similar enough that we don't need personalized Bibles.  But we're different enough that just reading the Bible isn't enough.

And so the circular castle circles back on itself and I've only got one thing to say:  It all comes back to community.  God created us all in his image and we're not going to find that on our own.  He gave us his Bible but we all read it with unique eyes.  Our best hope is to go at it together.  Our best hope is to go at life together.  Then we'll get closer, but not just because we'll know the Bible better together.  It's actually a bit different, to some degree.  When we're doing that, we're doing what I'll shout to the day I die: we're meant, above all else, to love one another.  Love is done best in community.  God didn't make language ambiguous because he's got it out for us.  He did it because we need to love one another.

-Zack

"I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole"
-Florence and the Machine

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The only Word I could Say

For just about one year now, I've been thinking about what it means to be a Christian, in the simplest terms.  I've been thinking through our systematized theology.  I've been thinking through how we let it shape how we live.  I don't have many real answers yet, but I'm finding that we've made up our own set of qualifiers, our own language, our own definitions.  I'm coming to realize that we're not necessarily off-base biblically, but I don't think the reformation is done yet, if I could even claim what I see as happening, at least in my own thinking, as something joined to the long-line of reformers.

I read a blog-post by someone I respect dearly the other day that was a walk-through/series of meditations on the Sheep and the Goats passage from Matthew 25.  If you read that passage (verses 31-46), Jesus talks about how the sheep, the true followers, are those who visit prisoners, feed the hungry, clothe the poor.  The blog post describes this passage as a "hard passage" because it seems to fly in the face of the Evangelical "By-Grace-Alone" mindset.  This blog's author goes on to rationalize this passage with the grace-alone tenet by saying that said actions making one a sheep and not a goat are the sign of an inner-change.  Maybe that's true.  But I don't see where it says that in this particular passage, and I don't see how people are judged for their works in the grace-alone passages.  This isn't to say there isn't an inner change that can lead to good works.  But Jesus doesn't count those who don't do his work among his true followers.  As he says near the end of John: "If you love me, you will keep my commandments."  But what are Jesus' commandments?  Are they to "have a personal relationship, keep a quiet time, hand out bulletins, teach sunday school, run a soundboard, lead a bible study?"  Unfortunately, outside of a very broad interpretation of one word in the great commission, none of those general Christian expressions of good works and service to God are actually commanded by Jesus, even in their 1st century equivalents (whatever those may be).  The greatest commandment is to Love God.  The 2nd is to love others.  What really, are the things Jesus does command- to meet the physical needs of others, as he does, to put others over self, to seek peace at all costs, to bring the disenfranchised into the fold- but expressions of love for our neighbors?  Jesus' way is the way of love.  That's all he did, all he could do.  It's, per the 3rd chapter of John, the reason he came and his constant exhortation for all of us.  I'm not sure what I'm saying because I'm not quite sure what to make of all of this, but I know, for certain, that even a hint of greed is the opposite of Jesus' way...and what's more, not just greed, but doing anything at all that comes at the expense of another, is not Jesus' way.

When I look at all Jesus did, the sorts of things he said, what often strikes me much of the time is how he seems to choose the people with whom he disagrees.  The rich, who refuse to surrender their place of power from wealth.  The synagogue leaders, scribes, pharisees, sadducees...though all different sects in their own way, they all refused to give up their power as religious leaders.  But he never had beef with someone because they were a sinner.  I imagine they were repentant sinners, but there are actually few accounts of repentance and I can't recall any where Jesus actually require it.  By encountering Jesus; who he is, how he acts, what he says; those are when stories of repentance come about.  I can't help but think it has much to do with the lack of judgment and condemnation he with which he handled them.  It's about love.  It's all about love.  Jesus' love transformed people.  Even at his sternest, he expressed love for the downtrodden.

Maybe I'm selectively reading. Maybe I'm just missing something.  But I can't find a single instance wherein Jesus commands anything but love.  This isn't to say he gives license to sin.  If anything, it's more and more an implication of grace.  Jesus seems to speak so little of specific sins simply because he openly acknowledges that everyone is a sinner.  But even so, as such, as anything, they are in need and deserve love.  In fact, as far as I can tell, it seems "evil" is most often identified by Jesus as an infringement upon another, less fortunate person.  This isn't to say that personal sin doesn't matter to Jesus.  But Jesus is much less concerned, it seems with the "personal relationship stuff" we've essentially fabricated through systematic theology in the last 80 years, than he is with proclaiming a new way, a new thing...the Kingdom of Heaven, come to earth and demarcated by the way people love one another and love God.  It seems to me we've stripped the Gospel Jesus actually preached of much of its potency, of much of its point.  Yes, Jesus said believe in me and you'll have eternal life.  But more often than that, he told people about the Kingdom of God and urged them to live as if it's real and can be realized here and now in even some small way, ever increasing til the end of days.  But that's not the Gospel we preach.  We, I, InterVarsity, most churches, teach that Jesus came so we could go to heaven.  He came so he could die so we could be made right with God.  That's all true, it is, it happened, it's the result of his life on Earth, resurrection, and ascension.  But it's so small a part of the larger story, at least content wise...and I can't help but think that that matters.  It matters, it seems, that Jesus told people to love one another and to love God in real, tangible ways, but never told them "believe in me, do all you can to get close to me, and when I'm done, you'll go to heaven"  He expressed something like that and it goes something like this "When I was thirsty, you gave me water, when I was hungry, you gave me food, when I was in prison...." yeah, the sheep and the goats thing.  It's how we express our devotion to Jesus, beyond all else.  If that weren't true, if Paul came along and set the record straight, as we often act preach in a twisted sort of way, why did Jesus say what he said?  Yes, believing in Jesus, that he died for your sins and rose from the dead is all it takes to "get to heaven."  But I don't just want to do what it takes to get to heaven. I want to actually follow Jesus.  He said make disciples, not believers.  Disciples do as their master did and as their master commands...and my master commands me to love.  How that plays out varies depending on the person I'm engaged in loving at the moment, but I'm positive and convinced it means much more than a bridge or four circles.

-Zack

"When those men were ready to stone Magdalene, I hated them, I wanted to kill them.  But the only word I could say was 'love'"
-Nikos Kazantzakis

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Who (or What) We Think We Are

Around Hillsdale and around InterVarsity, and around Christian circles altogether, we've created a ghost.  We've created a standard not only impossible to attain, but impossible to define, at least correctly.

There are sermons.
There are books.
There are support groups.

But I'm beginning to think it might be a big mistake or at least a gross misreading.

I'm pondering the idea of "Biblical Masculinity" and I'm a bit puzzled as to from where the idea springs.  I don't have a seminary degree, I'm sure there's a lot more I have to learn about the Bible, but other than the instructions in Ephesians for men to "Love their wives," I'm not so sure there's a lot for us to base an idea of what it means to be a man, biblically speaking.  

"There are men in the Bible we can look to because they're called holy and Godly!" you say.  

Yes, but outside of Christ, none of them are perfect and none of them are praised for things delineated as specifically good because they are men.  Indeed, most of the lauding of people like David (an adulterer) or Gideon (a idolater later in life) have to do with where their hearts lie and their motives...absolutely nothing about "manly character."  All of that being said, it's not even taking into account the fact that our Biblical stories exist because God wanted us to have a record about his faithfulness...not so we'll have people to pattern our lives after outside of Christ.  If, in fact, we're striving to be like anyone aside from Christ, that's very near sin and extraordinarily unbiblical.

So where does it come from?  If you have any insight, let me know.  I have my suspicions though, and, as always, they're steeped in the ongoing lie the western church buys wholesale known as modernity.

As I outline within the first few pages of my I.S. (and onward), modernity is the increasingly defunct ideological pursuit of the best possible version of everything.  It relied on ideas that things had thingness and they were at their best when best reflecting the truest version of that thingness.  That is a load of crap, of course, as Foucault and Derrida would tell us.  But still the idea persists and gets applied across the board.  As it applies to the false gender dichotomy, the idea that something could be "more" manly than other things emerged, (or, of course, more "lady-like").  That was always incorrect because the idea of man and woman being intrinsically different was created for a patriarchal hegemony, but it somehow survived, especially in the Church.  From the idea that something could be more masculine than something else the Church decided that wasn't always helpful but, if we baptize it in enough churchy jargon, maybe we can keep petting the ego of men by telling them they can still be more masculine than others, if they do it biblically.  Newsflash: That's still harmful and has led to woman hating themselves, gay people being hated by the church, and men who are less up to the (totally baseless) standard we've established hating themselves too.  So who benefits?  As always, the patriarchal hegemony.  That's not Christlike.  That's the last thing Jesus would have ever wanted.  And yet...it's what we call a biblical model.  There are virtues we identify as manly, of course...how could those be bad?  They aren't...but they're virtues if women have them too.  Taking charge and being in control of a situation are completely gender neutral and should be...but we don't let them be...because that wouldn't help the hegemony.  

Our Regional director in InterVarsity has a life's principal, that he'll never let a racially disparaging comment go unanswered.  I try to do the same.  I think I'm going to start striving to call shenanigans on the principal of masculinity, wherever it's found while I'm at it...it's harmful too.

-Zack

"Tell me tell me, could you ever really comprehend what goes on in his head?"
-Sons of Adam 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

laissez

This time of year, students start to fade into the woods a bit.  They're busy and their minds are less and less on ministry with each passing day.  As staff, it's basically my job, this time of year, to keep them excited and to keep pressing onward, through Chapter Focus Week.

But this year, that's hard, because my mind and heart aren't really in the ministry right now either.  The impending leaving of Hillsdale (and the unnatural amount of energy it takes for me to connect with a typical Hilldale student) pushes my heart to a different place.  The coming wedding fills my hope for the future more than planning for a year I won't be a part of at Hillsdale.  I know I should care more.  I know I should love the people God's called into my life for me to serve at this time.  But I just don't.

I can see, looking back over the last two years, how God has used my time at Hillsdale to steer my life.

But that feels over.  The usefulness of Hillsdale in my life and very nearly my usefulness around here all feel spent.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to have it in me to come back for a month in the fall, to say nothing of trying to care when its very far from the most important thing in my life over the summer.

But it's the task at hand.  I've got to perform.  I'm spent.

But thankfully, God's storehouses are always full.  He can still pour out mercies and grace and rest.  I've got to lean on him entirely right now, because honestly, I've got nothing inside of me to give to this place anymore.

-Zack

"We may make it through the war if we make it through the night"
-Portugal. The Man

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Writing about Writing

It's not been the most uncommon occurrence for me to say something, on this blog or its past incarnations, like this :"I've been feeling, lately, like I should write more."

I even went as far, at the beginning of the year, as making "write more" one of my new year's resolutions.  If you're an at all frequent reader of this thing, you'd know that I've mostly failed that one.  Actually, "frequent readers" don't really exist right now, unless they're more like "re-readers," because I just don't update all that often.  Maybe I average once per week, maybe...but even then , it's irregular.  Right now, obviously, it's Sunday.   Last week, it was Monday.  I don't honestly remember my last post prior to last Mondays, but it was probably a week or so prior to last Monday.  That's my rough, poor, schedule.

But it doesn't mean any of the feelings have subsided.  Actually, they just increase.  It's oftentimes the only thing I can say I feel "right" doing.  If I'm doing anything else, it probably feels like it's less of what I'm supposed to be doing.  That can't apply across the board, but it's pretty close.  Most of the time, I spend m days feeling like I'm not doing enough, feeling like I'm failing to some extent.  But never, not once, in my entire life, have I felt like writing was a waste of time.  I used to post on here every Thursday between getting off work at 11 and our Stewardship meeting at 12.  I never once used that time for homework, but I never once felt like I should have either.

Everyone's got their thing like that, and I think mine is writing.  But I don't know what that means right now.

-Zack

"Til we get our freedom we got to get over, we steady on the grind"
-Dead Prez