This will be my last post for a couple of weeks...at least on Thursdays. Next week, I'll be visiting Hillsdale, and the Thursday after that, I'll still be on the Urban Plunge. Two solid Thursdays, I definitely think.
I made a huge intellectual breakthrough this past weekend.
I discovered what it has all been about...all of basically my last two years of thinking on the subject of the post-modern and how it relates to our faith. The predominant mindset within Christianity seems to still be that post-modernism is another enemy we've got to wrestle in order to defend our faith and our objective truths. The fact of the matter is, viewing anything as an enemy is actually a fundamental misunderstanding of the Gospel...I don't want to get into it too much here, but I was never content in thinking that post-modern thought was inherently worthless. Indeed, it was always alluring and I always felt that there was something to it I just couldn't quite discern, something deeply spiritual, indeed, something straight from the LORD. Maybe it was just me being unwilling to believe that the world is falling from God instead of tending toward him. After this past weekend, I do indeed believe the Kingdom of God began when Jesus came out of the wilderness (well, before that, but it's the first time Jesus talks about it being near), and we've been getting closer and closer to it ever since. It may seem like a sort of degeneration, but the emergence of post-modernism has brought us to the brink of the thrust of the Gospel.
I think I'm going to actually write about it, sort of a second I.S., but for personal reasons, after I finish my I.S.....I might use this blog as some proving ground for all of that, but I'm not going to get too much into it all right now.
I.S., as I've spoke of it, is going well....I've just got to edit 52 more pages then do whatever my advisor says on Monday. I can definitely see being able to turn it in Tuesday. I have no idea where the English Major I.S. handbook is though...I should probably try to come upon that if I can....
I'm going to start another book by Salman Rushdie soon...it will probably change my life...again. Post-colonial literature single-handedly made me believe recently-published books could be worth reading, and among the post-colonial, Rushdie is certainly the best.
That being said, I just don't feel like I can fully recommend Rushdie to anyone and everyone. Really, other than English majors, I think much of his aura could be lost...I could be wrong though.
All this could have a lot to do with an ever-increasing (although slowly) interest in the Indian Sub-continent....in any event, I'm looking forward to the reading experience.
Til next time,
-Zack
"And I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye"
-Rise Against
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday.Repair
Hillsdale.
I've never been there.
But that will change soon.
In a big way.
March 3rd has become my personal I.S. Monday. But it's a Tuesday. Even so, it's my target turn in day, even if that means not sleeping between the 2nd and the 3rd. I had a great conclusion writing session last night (especially given my two large diversions) though, so it's looking good. I should be finished with a full draft Sunday, which means I can start editing toward final form at that point. My last I.S. meeting is March 2nd, so I'll go from there, to Children as Readers, to editing, to dinner, to Gospel choir, to editing, to hopefully sleeping, to turning in my I.S. That's my plan...we'll see what happens between now and then. No matter what, I think I'm going to wait til March 3rd to turn it in.....I kind of explained that last week.
March 4th I'm going home, March 5th I'm going to Michigan, March 5th I'm coming back to Wooster, March 7th I'm going to Cleveland, March 13th I'm coming home...March 23rd I'm celebrating March 3rd.
Then it's really almost over.
But that's awhile off. That's a couple of Thursdays off. Speaking of which, I'll probably miss the 5th. Maybe not though...I'll be at home that morning...maybe Mom will make me some eggs before I leave...that would be nice.
I'm pondering entering the 25 things discourse. I'm one of the few people that will call it that...but that's what it is...it's a certain facebook/post-modern discourse that urges the 25 things on....there's a level of "cool" that is maintained by not doing it, at least in my mind, or at least a level of resilience. In doing it though, you're giving people that generally like you a chance to learn about you, and that can turn into a fun experience all the way around. My biggest fear is that I can't come up with 25 things about myself I deem acceptable to share with the world. That's hopefully irrational, because most fear is irrational, and because a lot of people that I didn't think were anywhere near as interesting as myself (just being honest...sorry) became really interesting through their 25 things...so I should be able to come up with stuff too right? We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.
The power outage was not as fun as I thought it could be...mostly because my I.S. advisor never has lights on anyway....
I really love tea this week.
I really love coffee all of the time, but tea is making a stand this week in my beverage choices. Mostly, it's because I'm being lazy. That and I really like the tea I can get from campus stores, while I detest that coffee and making my own isn't always possible when I'm rarely in my room.
Speaking of rarely being in my room, it's very possible that I won't see my roommate until like, next Tuesday...maybe. It's a very real possibility that I don't see him until March 24th...at least not for an appreciable amount of time. But we'll see.
Thus far, Nas is hands down the musical act of the year for me. The 50 day old year, but the year nonetheless.
"There is a Light that Never Goes Out" could very well be my song of the year once more.....it's just so good. That will end up in my 25 things, probably.
If I ever have a 25 things.
Basically, my 25 things is going to be a few categories.....hopes, dreams, music, travel, and meyers-briggs. Could be, if I ever do it, that is.
-Zack
"Hands like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you"
-Anberlin
I've never been there.
But that will change soon.
In a big way.
March 3rd has become my personal I.S. Monday. But it's a Tuesday. Even so, it's my target turn in day, even if that means not sleeping between the 2nd and the 3rd. I had a great conclusion writing session last night (especially given my two large diversions) though, so it's looking good. I should be finished with a full draft Sunday, which means I can start editing toward final form at that point. My last I.S. meeting is March 2nd, so I'll go from there, to Children as Readers, to editing, to dinner, to Gospel choir, to editing, to hopefully sleeping, to turning in my I.S. That's my plan...we'll see what happens between now and then. No matter what, I think I'm going to wait til March 3rd to turn it in.....I kind of explained that last week.
March 4th I'm going home, March 5th I'm going to Michigan, March 5th I'm coming back to Wooster, March 7th I'm going to Cleveland, March 13th I'm coming home...March 23rd I'm celebrating March 3rd.
Then it's really almost over.
But that's awhile off. That's a couple of Thursdays off. Speaking of which, I'll probably miss the 5th. Maybe not though...I'll be at home that morning...maybe Mom will make me some eggs before I leave...that would be nice.
I'm pondering entering the 25 things discourse. I'm one of the few people that will call it that...but that's what it is...it's a certain facebook/post-modern discourse that urges the 25 things on....there's a level of "cool" that is maintained by not doing it, at least in my mind, or at least a level of resilience. In doing it though, you're giving people that generally like you a chance to learn about you, and that can turn into a fun experience all the way around. My biggest fear is that I can't come up with 25 things about myself I deem acceptable to share with the world. That's hopefully irrational, because most fear is irrational, and because a lot of people that I didn't think were anywhere near as interesting as myself (just being honest...sorry) became really interesting through their 25 things...so I should be able to come up with stuff too right? We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.
The power outage was not as fun as I thought it could be...mostly because my I.S. advisor never has lights on anyway....
I really love tea this week.
I really love coffee all of the time, but tea is making a stand this week in my beverage choices. Mostly, it's because I'm being lazy. That and I really like the tea I can get from campus stores, while I detest that coffee and making my own isn't always possible when I'm rarely in my room.
Speaking of rarely being in my room, it's very possible that I won't see my roommate until like, next Tuesday...maybe. It's a very real possibility that I don't see him until March 24th...at least not for an appreciable amount of time. But we'll see.
Thus far, Nas is hands down the musical act of the year for me. The 50 day old year, but the year nonetheless.
"There is a Light that Never Goes Out" could very well be my song of the year once more.....it's just so good. That will end up in my 25 things, probably.
If I ever have a 25 things.
Basically, my 25 things is going to be a few categories.....hopes, dreams, music, travel, and meyers-briggs. Could be, if I ever do it, that is.
-Zack
"Hands like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you"
-Anberlin
Monday, February 16, 2009
All but two of the blogs I follow are about special things....generally life abroad.
But I update more than all of them....by a lot.
We're about to be powerless on campus for an hour. I'm kind of liking the idea, because even for a scheduled hour, not having electricity makes me feel like our community is its own, even for a little bit. It's like a blizzard or something... it brings us together, even accidentally, and even as an inconvenience.
-Zack
"The more I live I see, this life's not about me"
-Anberlin
Friday, February 13, 2009
I do believe it's true...
The sub-continent is calling me.
More on this in the future.
Far or near.
-Zack
"If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now."
-Salman Rushdie
More on this in the future.
Far or near.
-Zack
"If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now."
-Salman Rushdie
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Significance
I realize that I post a lot more than I had expected. I probably don't have to keep up my thursday posting appointments...but I will for the time being.
I must tell you that right now, I am exhausted. Yesterday was glorious, but it took a lot more out of me than I expected. I think it was my Tuesday-Wednesday sleep that is doing me in right now; I got a good enough amount tonight. Thankfully it's almost the weekend, but, on that hand, I don't usually sleep in much on the weekend.
Sorry, I don't mean to fill the space with mindless drivel...it's just coming out right now.
I'm just one step away from entering my "provisional appointment" to InterVarsity staff. Right now, that step is waiting for their response. I can't wait to find out where I'll be going. If I don't make it, I've actually got another job lined up of sorts.....more on that if need be. I think I'll make it though, so I'm not worried. I don't want to get too cocky about it all though...I've been getting too cocky about everything my entire life, and I've been trying to break out of that for just as long to limited but steady success.
March 3rd is apparently a significant day in my life, at least within the past decade or so. I'm not explaining that right now, but one is coming up, so we'll see what happens then. It's a Tuesday this year, which is, hisorically, the most significant day of the week in my life. I hear I was born on a Thursday though, so maybe I'm just wrong. We'll see. I try not to put too much stock in signs, symbols, numbers, and for-no-reason significant numbers/dates, but this march 3rd thing is actually kind of interesting. Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like explaining it right here, right now. Maybe in person sometime, if you're all that interested.
Silence and sleep sound so good right now.
But it could be a very long time before either come to me.
-Zack
"I found someone, I found you"
-Everyday Sunday
I must tell you that right now, I am exhausted. Yesterday was glorious, but it took a lot more out of me than I expected. I think it was my Tuesday-Wednesday sleep that is doing me in right now; I got a good enough amount tonight. Thankfully it's almost the weekend, but, on that hand, I don't usually sleep in much on the weekend.
Sorry, I don't mean to fill the space with mindless drivel...it's just coming out right now.
I'm just one step away from entering my "provisional appointment" to InterVarsity staff. Right now, that step is waiting for their response. I can't wait to find out where I'll be going. If I don't make it, I've actually got another job lined up of sorts.....more on that if need be. I think I'll make it though, so I'm not worried. I don't want to get too cocky about it all though...I've been getting too cocky about everything my entire life, and I've been trying to break out of that for just as long to limited but steady success.
March 3rd is apparently a significant day in my life, at least within the past decade or so. I'm not explaining that right now, but one is coming up, so we'll see what happens then. It's a Tuesday this year, which is, hisorically, the most significant day of the week in my life. I hear I was born on a Thursday though, so maybe I'm just wrong. We'll see. I try not to put too much stock in signs, symbols, numbers, and for-no-reason significant numbers/dates, but this march 3rd thing is actually kind of interesting. Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like explaining it right here, right now. Maybe in person sometime, if you're all that interested.
Silence and sleep sound so good right now.
But it could be a very long time before either come to me.
-Zack
"I found someone, I found you"
-Everyday Sunday
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Revelation that We All Must Cross
The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done
And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe
Maybe you won't quite understand where I'm coming from with this post, so I'm going to step out of my worldview for a moment and explain: my format is such that the midst of two lyric columns is a post-modern rendering of emotion and reality through words. However, because I am speaking specifically about an aspect of post-modernity that doesn't need a post-modern form of expression to be post-modern, I'm going to be explicit. And I'm going to be explicit in ways I would almost never be in so open a public place. But I don't think I have any readers right now. I wouldn't mind, in a couple of weeks/months/years when I have readers, if someone happens upon this..but it could be dangerous now. That, and it just might be evocative to the point of eliciting comments from people I didn't know were reading it. In any event, Valentine's day is giving rise to something of an outlining of relationships and love for me and for the world in which I live. I've also been trying a larger appeal to honesty in my life since the Super Bowl, and I feel like my unrelenting post-modernity doesn't always appeal to honesty. I mean it that way because I don't want to center myself, but I want to be honest about myself sometimes too, and more in my personal life than ever before. More on that later maybe.....
This will be the first Valentine's day for which I'm not in a relationship since my senior year of high school. Everyone loves parallelism, so you probably enjoy that more than I do.
I did a bit of facebook research and discovered that of all the girls I ever seriously wanted to date/dated, all but 3 are currently in relationships and all but 4(including those 3) are engaged/married...one has a kid already. That's Ciarra...she did things out of order, but I guess Juno did too. Those numbers might not mean much, but it means more than half are on the closer than farther side of nuptial bliss. One of the single former loves has only been single for a bit over 4 months, not at all coincidentally the exact amount of time for my current stint of relationshiplessness. I could think a lot of things about the statistics. More than anything, I guess I just think it means God is in control of love lifes. I basically pictured myself marrying all of them...all 11 of them, which is actually a very conservative number. But clearly, I wasn't the one for all of them.
On the other hand, the non-praising the Lord hand, the hand I wish I didn't have but do, it makes me feel like the bus is leaving without me, as all of the "in my league" as the lingo goes people in my life seem to be getting together right now. That happens in college, especially so late in the game (I've got 10 weeks of the total 120 left, so that's less than 10 percent, which means it's like the bottom of the 9th inning or something like that). Even so, it does beg the question of whether or not I missed some proverbial boat. But I say that fairly emotionlessly. I know God's plan is far from Carbon Copy, especially in regard to love of the romantic sort. The best analogue I've got for how I might end up is Jon and Julie Longacre, who were both around 30 when they got married...my first girlfriend had a kid before they did. As much as they clearly love each other, I really do hope I don't end up that way.
cut.
I don't know what it is about Audrey. By all counts, that really probably was my most successful relationship and I often doubt it should have ever happened. I mean Audrey as a form more than herself for the time being. I know Meg and I lasted longer, but we saw each other a lot less. I often think that if Meg and I saw each other more we would either still be together or wouldn't have lasted as long. Either or, I really don't know. I do know though, that what we did have was wonderful...however, the depth and growth of Audrey and myself in relationships, as a couple, and as individuals through the whole process was more than Meg and I ever got to have, thanks to being apart. So "best" defaults to Audrey. It shouldn't be quantified, but though I am a man of 5 "serious" relationships, but 2 of them ever felt "real," and one of those was insistently long distance. And I meant insistent, because even when we were together, it was rare that we were "together." In fact, when we were "together" (read: alone) was when the problems really arose. I still don't know what the point of any of it all was, I just know it all happened and I learned a lot, and if that was the point for what I'm going to basically boil down to two realationships (it's like the exact opposite of a friendlationship) and 30 months of love, then I'm okay with that. But I still don't know what it is about Audrey. She might be the first person I think of when I think about love and beauty, but maybe I still feel bad about the whole thing and everything with Meg. And I also feel a sense of loss. I don't own Spirited Away, but it's the most beautiful movie I've ever seen, and I bought it for Audrey for her birthday. I've missed a lot of things in my life, but since about October 10th 2005 I've not missed Christmas or a birthday for Audrey. It's irrational, horribly, horribly irrational. And I still bought her that sheep with the sweater. And I know she didn't lose those CDs I made her because I saw her hand them to Mark and tell him to break them during one of our last nights in China, and even then, I was said about it. But I had no right to be and have no right to be. There's another Anberlin link here, as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.
Actually, until I disqualifed Ciarra (3rd place in the most real relationship race), I guess I used to have a thing for exceptional singers. I'll probably tear up for an hour, from 2:30-3:30 on Feb. 28th.
cut.
I still wonder how much of me is in Meg and how much of Meg is in me. I'm not really sure what that means, but I feel like we got over that far too fast. Far, far too fast. That could belie a lot of things that I just don't understand. I hope she's well and pray for her everyday, but, maybe more than anyone else, and definitely more than anyone else that isn't engaged or married, I'm sure now that we weren't supposed to be together forever.
That begs the question of how I'm sure.....and I just am. It doesn't mean I don't look back on all of that fondly. It doesn't mean I don't feel sad when I see pictures of us on facebook. It doesn't mean I don't fear each facebook message from her because it could be some sort of me-instigated emotional breakdown. But it does mean that I know I was walking in faith, that we were walking in faith, to have called the whole thing off. Part of me does wish that this past fall conference was the last time I ever see Meg, at least until at least one of us (hopefully both) are married or something. There are a lot of things about that that would be so right...not the least of which being that dance. And there are other things about that dance that I just don't know about which, if (although it is terribly unlikely the longer I sit here and type without progress) other they fall into place, would make the whole things so ridiculously right God would look more poet than creator.
But our generation is addicted to relationships. We rely upon each other for validation as individuals and there is no deeper validation than that felt through proper, God-orchestrated romance. That might be "wrong" but it is right enough. I know we are to seek identity in Christ. I get that. I agree with that. But I'm not going to lie to you or make the wonderful Christian couples I know lie to me and say they aren't happier now than they would be if God never established the love between them. It's not everyone's calling, but how can we at all expect to be truly complete if we've not fulfilled so important a piece of God's calling for us as finding the love of our lives that he has established for us?
I sent a letter Tuesday, that I shouldn't have sent probably. But I know I did it because God wanted me to get past all that. Now we'll see how that happens. Although it may be that we don't see, and that's the point.
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze
And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve
Strange how we know each other
Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs
And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led
Strange how we fit each other
Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree
So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve ourselves instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side
-Zack
"Rise up and meet your father, join in the joyous resound"
-The Showdown
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done
And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe
Maybe you won't quite understand where I'm coming from with this post, so I'm going to step out of my worldview for a moment and explain: my format is such that the midst of two lyric columns is a post-modern rendering of emotion and reality through words. However, because I am speaking specifically about an aspect of post-modernity that doesn't need a post-modern form of expression to be post-modern, I'm going to be explicit. And I'm going to be explicit in ways I would almost never be in so open a public place. But I don't think I have any readers right now. I wouldn't mind, in a couple of weeks/months/years when I have readers, if someone happens upon this..but it could be dangerous now. That, and it just might be evocative to the point of eliciting comments from people I didn't know were reading it. In any event, Valentine's day is giving rise to something of an outlining of relationships and love for me and for the world in which I live. I've also been trying a larger appeal to honesty in my life since the Super Bowl, and I feel like my unrelenting post-modernity doesn't always appeal to honesty. I mean it that way because I don't want to center myself, but I want to be honest about myself sometimes too, and more in my personal life than ever before. More on that later maybe.....
This will be the first Valentine's day for which I'm not in a relationship since my senior year of high school. Everyone loves parallelism, so you probably enjoy that more than I do.
I did a bit of facebook research and discovered that of all the girls I ever seriously wanted to date/dated, all but 3 are currently in relationships and all but 4(including those 3) are engaged/married...one has a kid already. That's Ciarra...she did things out of order, but I guess Juno did too. Those numbers might not mean much, but it means more than half are on the closer than farther side of nuptial bliss. One of the single former loves has only been single for a bit over 4 months, not at all coincidentally the exact amount of time for my current stint of relationshiplessness. I could think a lot of things about the statistics. More than anything, I guess I just think it means God is in control of love lifes. I basically pictured myself marrying all of them...all 11 of them, which is actually a very conservative number. But clearly, I wasn't the one for all of them.
On the other hand, the non-praising the Lord hand, the hand I wish I didn't have but do, it makes me feel like the bus is leaving without me, as all of the "in my league" as the lingo goes people in my life seem to be getting together right now. That happens in college, especially so late in the game (I've got 10 weeks of the total 120 left, so that's less than 10 percent, which means it's like the bottom of the 9th inning or something like that). Even so, it does beg the question of whether or not I missed some proverbial boat. But I say that fairly emotionlessly. I know God's plan is far from Carbon Copy, especially in regard to love of the romantic sort. The best analogue I've got for how I might end up is Jon and Julie Longacre, who were both around 30 when they got married...my first girlfriend had a kid before they did. As much as they clearly love each other, I really do hope I don't end up that way.
cut.
I don't know what it is about Audrey. By all counts, that really probably was my most successful relationship and I often doubt it should have ever happened. I mean Audrey as a form more than herself for the time being. I know Meg and I lasted longer, but we saw each other a lot less. I often think that if Meg and I saw each other more we would either still be together or wouldn't have lasted as long. Either or, I really don't know. I do know though, that what we did have was wonderful...however, the depth and growth of Audrey and myself in relationships, as a couple, and as individuals through the whole process was more than Meg and I ever got to have, thanks to being apart. So "best" defaults to Audrey. It shouldn't be quantified, but though I am a man of 5 "serious" relationships, but 2 of them ever felt "real," and one of those was insistently long distance. And I meant insistent, because even when we were together, it was rare that we were "together." In fact, when we were "together" (read: alone) was when the problems really arose. I still don't know what the point of any of it all was, I just know it all happened and I learned a lot, and if that was the point for what I'm going to basically boil down to two realationships (it's like the exact opposite of a friendlationship) and 30 months of love, then I'm okay with that. But I still don't know what it is about Audrey. She might be the first person I think of when I think about love and beauty, but maybe I still feel bad about the whole thing and everything with Meg. And I also feel a sense of loss. I don't own Spirited Away, but it's the most beautiful movie I've ever seen, and I bought it for Audrey for her birthday. I've missed a lot of things in my life, but since about October 10th 2005 I've not missed Christmas or a birthday for Audrey. It's irrational, horribly, horribly irrational. And I still bought her that sheep with the sweater. And I know she didn't lose those CDs I made her because I saw her hand them to Mark and tell him to break them during one of our last nights in China, and even then, I was said about it. But I had no right to be and have no right to be. There's another Anberlin link here, as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.
Actually, until I disqualifed Ciarra (3rd place in the most real relationship race), I guess I used to have a thing for exceptional singers. I'll probably tear up for an hour, from 2:30-3:30 on Feb. 28th.
cut.
I still wonder how much of me is in Meg and how much of Meg is in me. I'm not really sure what that means, but I feel like we got over that far too fast. Far, far too fast. That could belie a lot of things that I just don't understand. I hope she's well and pray for her everyday, but, maybe more than anyone else, and definitely more than anyone else that isn't engaged or married, I'm sure now that we weren't supposed to be together forever.
That begs the question of how I'm sure.....and I just am. It doesn't mean I don't look back on all of that fondly. It doesn't mean I don't feel sad when I see pictures of us on facebook. It doesn't mean I don't fear each facebook message from her because it could be some sort of me-instigated emotional breakdown. But it does mean that I know I was walking in faith, that we were walking in faith, to have called the whole thing off. Part of me does wish that this past fall conference was the last time I ever see Meg, at least until at least one of us (hopefully both) are married or something. There are a lot of things about that that would be so right...not the least of which being that dance. And there are other things about that dance that I just don't know about which, if (although it is terribly unlikely the longer I sit here and type without progress) other they fall into place, would make the whole things so ridiculously right God would look more poet than creator.
But our generation is addicted to relationships. We rely upon each other for validation as individuals and there is no deeper validation than that felt through proper, God-orchestrated romance. That might be "wrong" but it is right enough. I know we are to seek identity in Christ. I get that. I agree with that. But I'm not going to lie to you or make the wonderful Christian couples I know lie to me and say they aren't happier now than they would be if God never established the love between them. It's not everyone's calling, but how can we at all expect to be truly complete if we've not fulfilled so important a piece of God's calling for us as finding the love of our lives that he has established for us?
I sent a letter Tuesday, that I shouldn't have sent probably. But I know I did it because God wanted me to get past all that. Now we'll see how that happens. Although it may be that we don't see, and that's the point.
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze
And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve
Strange how we know each other
Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs
And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led
Strange how we fit each other
Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree
So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve ourselves instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side
-Zack
"Rise up and meet your father, join in the joyous resound"
-The Showdown
Till we have Faces is the most underrated (by me) book I read last year.
Thoughts of "Ungit" just crossed my mind, and it's been a really long time...like, last CFW long, since I read that book.
Last year was a great reading year, and C.S. Lewis was not only a genius, but he was ahead of his time.
-Zack
"Would you walk with me just for awhile, I'll take you out of harm's way"
-Mae
Thoughts of "Ungit" just crossed my mind, and it's been a really long time...like, last CFW long, since I read that book.
Last year was a great reading year, and C.S. Lewis was not only a genius, but he was ahead of his time.
-Zack
"Would you walk with me just for awhile, I'll take you out of harm's way"
-Mae
Friday, February 6, 2009
...and glory filled my soul
Heaven came down and glory filled my soul
When at the cross my Savior made me whole
My sins were washed away
And my night was turned to day
When heaven came down and glory filled my soul
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
Day I will never forget
When I was wandering in darkness away
Jesus my Savior I met
O, what a tender compassionate Friend
He met the need of my heart
Shadows dispelling with joy I am telling
He made all the darkness depart
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day,
yeah, today
And O, what a glorious, glorious day
The day You came, came to save me
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
The day You came and You saved me
The times of the deepest, darkest, hardest trials are times when beauty looks most beautiful and love most free. To even think that there is anything beyond it all, beyond all this, beyond what we can see and conceive in our own little ways on our own little world. That is enough for comfort, enough for strength, enough for transcendence in a world where there is no other transcendence And sometimes I just want to feel it, to feel that rush, to see that glory. But it's hard when it depends on faith and even the steps of faith, as you would call them, seem somewhat misguided. Oh why can't it be easier?
There is no answer now. I do not think there will be an answer for quite some time. But I know that there will be one. If nothing else, I have faith that there will be an answer, and when it all falls down, when it all crashes forward and backward and falls apart, it is then and only then that even the strangest of occurrences and the weirdest of instances will have any hope of fitting together. I've tried and failed, at fitting it together. And I wouldn't even say I'm fitting it together on my own. I would, indeed, say that I am fitting it together quite correctly, but the failure in the fitting is the intended outcome.
And maybe I'm wrong. I do hope to be wrong.
But either way, God still stands.
And he sits.
Over this all, this madness, this deafening, harrowing madness.
Although I can't see a way out, at least not now, not yet, just knowing there will be one will be enough to go on, even when there's nothing else to go on. And that's good, because there isn't going to be anything else to go on.
Here's a night, and it shines.
And it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side, and watch the stars.
They're ours.
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes get lost and go far.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
We begin, breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win, and take the game.
No blame. There's a neon light inside that shines.
And tearing down the walls in the way.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
It's cold inside, but deep in the night.
The light is bright enough to save the weakest ones but you're in the running.
Oh don't you give up or fade away.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Whoa, whoa.
So just let go and fall into it.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Every action makes a reaction.
We'll figure it out and make it happen.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
When at the cross my Savior made me whole
My sins were washed away
And my night was turned to day
When heaven came down and glory filled my soul
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
Day I will never forget
When I was wandering in darkness away
Jesus my Savior I met
O, what a tender compassionate Friend
He met the need of my heart
Shadows dispelling with joy I am telling
He made all the darkness depart
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day,
yeah, today
And O, what a glorious, glorious day
The day You came, came to save me
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
The day You came and You saved me
The times of the deepest, darkest, hardest trials are times when beauty looks most beautiful and love most free. To even think that there is anything beyond it all, beyond all this, beyond what we can see and conceive in our own little ways on our own little world. That is enough for comfort, enough for strength, enough for transcendence in a world where there is no other transcendence And sometimes I just want to feel it, to feel that rush, to see that glory. But it's hard when it depends on faith and even the steps of faith, as you would call them, seem somewhat misguided. Oh why can't it be easier?
There is no answer now. I do not think there will be an answer for quite some time. But I know that there will be one. If nothing else, I have faith that there will be an answer, and when it all falls down, when it all crashes forward and backward and falls apart, it is then and only then that even the strangest of occurrences and the weirdest of instances will have any hope of fitting together. I've tried and failed, at fitting it together. And I wouldn't even say I'm fitting it together on my own. I would, indeed, say that I am fitting it together quite correctly, but the failure in the fitting is the intended outcome.
And maybe I'm wrong. I do hope to be wrong.
But either way, God still stands.
And he sits.
Over this all, this madness, this deafening, harrowing madness.
Although I can't see a way out, at least not now, not yet, just knowing there will be one will be enough to go on, even when there's nothing else to go on. And that's good, because there isn't going to be anything else to go on.
Here's a night, and it shines.
And it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side, and watch the stars.
They're ours.
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes get lost and go far.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
We begin, breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win, and take the game.
No blame. There's a neon light inside that shines.
And tearing down the walls in the way.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
It's cold inside, but deep in the night.
The light is bright enough to save the weakest ones but you're in the running.
Oh don't you give up or fade away.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Whoa, whoa.
So just let go and fall into it.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Every action makes a reaction.
We'll figure it out and make it happen.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
How You know it's Thursday...
There is a man.
A certain man.
And for the poor you may be sure that he'll do all he can.
Who is this one, God's favorite son
Who by his actions has detraction magnets on the run?
It was Jesus, then it was Charles Foster Kane. Now it's just a relic.
Kanye West said that if they rewrote the Bible today, he would be in it. I don't doubt that, but I'm not sure what role he would play. The better question, is what old-timey song would they write about him if he was around in the 20's-40's.
I think today feels like a good day for a revolution.
Don't worry, I'm not sure what that means yet.
But it's been 92 days since November 5th...or 4th, depending on how you count. And for some reason, my phone is going to tell me that in just over an hour, and I have no real idea why. But I think it will be correct of me to have said that today feels like a day for revolution. But I don't know what that means.
LeBron, LeBron, LeBron.
52. 11.10.
You can't get better than that in a single game since the merger. Unless he does better than that sooner or later.
The oscars are Sunday. I still haven't any of the best picture nominees. But I'm pulling for slumdog millionaire on the advice of a friend who knows Bollywood and kind of lived there for awhile...as much as you can live in bollywood at least.
What if you actually could live in Bollywod? I know I'd be singing....
-Zack
"It's not your will for me to stay, your will for me's the opposite way"
-Leeland
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Because there's something else there now, that's why it isn't.
Oh, but it is, isn't it?
Tomorrow, or never, is it?
Because there was or is or will be or would be. There's nothing going on here, oh how there is nothing nothing nothing going on here. And do they think we are blind, do they think we can't see where it is or what it was or what it would be when it finally was? And what of the mistakes, what of the missteps? Forget them, forget them all..
In the end it will shine.
But when, when will the end shine?
And why now? Why ever?
Because in the end, it will shine.
But because it will shine in the end, oh, it can't be shining now, but oh oh oh oh oh sometime, someday, oh , I know it will. Don't you?
And I trust because I've got no choice now, and when that doesn't work, well, it always works.
But it has never been about working or not working, it is just about trusting. Fully and freely. There is nothing else we can do or would do or can fathom. Just trusting trusting. Oh to be trusting, to know trusting. To see trust. Oh, but you cannot see trust. Trust just is.
I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to break down.
I'm just ready.
I won't go anywhere unless I've gone everywhere.
Disregard and retrace.
What does that even mean? Why do I even still search for meaning elsewhere, but apart from the only meaning there is anywhere?
So I place it in his hands again. I place it there, because there's nowhere else for it to go.
-Zack
"Host of heaven, sing over me"
-The Newsboys
Oh, but it is, isn't it?
Tomorrow, or never, is it?
Because there was or is or will be or would be. There's nothing going on here, oh how there is nothing nothing nothing going on here. And do they think we are blind, do they think we can't see where it is or what it was or what it would be when it finally was? And what of the mistakes, what of the missteps? Forget them, forget them all..
In the end it will shine.
But when, when will the end shine?
And why now? Why ever?
Because in the end, it will shine.
But because it will shine in the end, oh, it can't be shining now, but oh oh oh oh oh sometime, someday, oh , I know it will. Don't you?
And I trust because I've got no choice now, and when that doesn't work, well, it always works.
But it has never been about working or not working, it is just about trusting. Fully and freely. There is nothing else we can do or would do or can fathom. Just trusting trusting. Oh to be trusting, to know trusting. To see trust. Oh, but you cannot see trust. Trust just is.
I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to break down.
I'm just ready.
I won't go anywhere unless I've gone everywhere.
Disregard and retrace.
What does that even mean? Why do I even still search for meaning elsewhere, but apart from the only meaning there is anywhere?
So I place it in his hands again. I place it there, because there's nowhere else for it to go.
-Zack
"Host of heaven, sing over me"
-The Newsboys
I do believe in redemption. Indeed, I believe in little else. And I believe in the redemption of everything that is, even while destruction takes place, redemption begins and redemption triumphs. Why does good necessarily triumph over evil? Because "good" necessitates redemption. Of course evil can't last, if what was once evil is becoming good. It's more a game of red rover than football.
-Zack
"And when you say forever, can't you see, you've already captured me"
-The Sun and the Moon, Mae
-Zack
"And when you say forever, can't you see, you've already captured me"
-The Sun and the Moon, Mae
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