Rather I was there....

There's something here, something in this in-between, this in-between of what is now and what comes next.
3 books, 3 papers, 1 exam. That's it, that will be all it takes for me to be finished with this undergraduate degree I've been kind of not caring about for 4 years. But I've been caring enough...I think though, that I've mostly been caring about being here, right here, in this very moment, in this very place. I don't mean the computer lab. I just mean in Wooster, more than anything.

But it's closing. I don't know if it's a door, a window, or a chapter.
It could be all or none. I've got a lot more leaving Wooster than I had coming in, but I think I've got a lot less leaving this year than I had coming in. Indeed, I know I do. Well, maybe. I've got some clarity. I've got a destination, and it is beautiful.
But even so, everything is still kind of like waiting.

At least that's how I feel right now. Tomorrow, I might feel something different from this. But now, "this" is what it is, what I feel. Waiting. I don't know how much weight to give feelings...ever...because I know sometimes it matters a lot...and sometimes it matters none. They, I mean, more than it.

There are many ways I could track my life, many movements, many waves. But they're all supposed to be leading to the same thing, right? That's what I think at least. Maybe not. But I think they are, that's how God works. I'm not sure that's how it works for people trying to forge their own path in life. If there's anything I learned from trying to do that for myself, from time to time, is that there's no such thing as unity when humanity gets involved too much, or tries to control things on their own. We can't see reality for what it is on our own (if at all) and walking with the Lord is being able to see more and more of what truly is, what truly exists. But to walk on one's own is to walk in a space based on one's own interpretation, not on what actually is. Of course you can't make true progress when you can't walk in a true direction. We all exist in relation to each other. That's truth if there's truth this side of heaven. So how are we to make our own decisions when I see you and I know you and I act based on who you are, but who you are to me is not you (and who you are to you isn't even you), and I'm supposed to act based on a ton of incomplete if not totally false knowledge? Oh, you know that's impossible. So why even move? Why even move at all? Indeed, without Christ, we're not moving, we're not moving anywhere...we're just sitting still and everything is moving around us, but we feel like we're moving, it's called frame of reference. But to God, through God, when he's not just the frame of reference we're moving based on, but what moves us at all...then we can actually do it, we can actually know, we can actually see, and actually be known. That's where our Lord and Savior meets post-modernity, and it's why the world has always been post-modern and we just didn't know it. The catch is, has been, and always will be, that without Christ, there is nothing. No peace, no reconciliation, and most importantly, no love.

So don't walk in the fallacy of thinking you can walk on your own at all.

I know I can't. I've tried, and failed a lot. But there is a lion, and there is a light. And they are one.
-Zack
"Postcard says wish you were here and I'd rather I was there"
-Rise Against