That Same Power...

Paul said that the same power which raised Jesus from the dead is actively at work in the world today.  I don't disbelieve that intellectually, but it's a truth I'm engaged in a constant struggle to actually embrace.

I want to be confident in that fact; I want to take heart in the promise that there's something larger than the power of life and death backing me up.  But a lot of the time, I run from the fact.  I run from the thought that it's at all something apart from me supplying the power; that it's not me.  Because so often, so badly, I want it to be me.  I can honestly say that I wish I was doing something, or that it was me unleashing all of the power.  But it's not, and I'm just being  real by saying that I wish it wasn't the case.

There's a little bit of Voldemort in all of us, or at least I know there is in me.  Someday I'll write, at length, about Voldemort.  But not right now.

I wish I could try harder and feel more prepared for CSU.  I wish I could try harder and love CSU and the people in my life more than I do right now.  I wish I could just try harder and be exactly what I need to be, when I need to be it.

But I can't.  I'm only human, and I'm not foolish enough to have much confidence in much of anything I do or can do or will do.  But God is.  God Will.  God is what we need him to be, when we need him to be it.  He's even bigger than that though.  He's everything, all at once, to the point that we can't humanly comprehend at all what that means.  He's big enough, that with or without us, his purposes in the world are going to go forth and his present and coming Kingdom will continue to be and do just that til completion.  It makes me, as a human, feel positively useless sometimes, if I let it.  But God let's us be a part of it.  His purpose is, for a reason that, too, is beyond me, to use humans.  He's created us all for a purpose in that effort.  Thankfully, that will be what happens no matter how much we screw up too.  I apologize for tipping right and left on the free-will issue.  The best way I can understand it is an incomprehensible coin with two sides that are both fully true.

God doesn't need me at CSU.

And yet, by His will, I pray he uses me in earth-shaking ways every single day.  Someday I'll know what it means, that both have always already been true since this whole thing started.

For now, I'll just march on and do my best to let him be in control and use his power exactly how he wishes and in absolutely no other way.

-Zack

"Just listenin to 'Pac, ain't gon' make it stop"
-Lupe Fiasco