This was definitely not how today was supposed to go, not by a mile. All weekend long, I'd been getting myself pumped up for today; telling myself things like "your entire career could be defined by how Monday goes." That's somewhat pressuring, but it also helped me get excited. Today, you see, is the first day of classes at Cleveland State University. It was also supposed to mark the birth of InterVarsity's newest multi-ethnic ministry in Cleveland.
That didn't happen though, because, right now, I'm sitting in the surgical waiting room at Lakewood Hospital (a Cleveland Clinic hospital, by the way) while my fiancee loses her appendix.
No, this certainly wasn't today was supposed to go.
But this is how today went. My thoughts, my prayers, my heart are with her, in that operating room. But she just gets to sleep through it all. I'm not worried. I had my appendix removed when I was 3, and I lived and turned out alright (at least as appendices go....how I turned out otherwise is up to someone quite unlike the appendix removal surgeon). But I do hate to know the pain she's gone through these past 20 hours. I do hate to know that there's nothing I can do to take it away. Suddenly, even planting a potentially city-and world-shaking community pales a little bit....and I think that's because ultimately, I'm just a guy, and as much as I love my job and can't wait for the school year, I'm just a guy and I'm less the guy I'm supposed to be without the person I'm supposed to be with, in some mystical way.
Things can be rescheduled. Wednesday is now today, basically. If the chapter is toast for the year because we missed today, then the chapter was going to fail all along anyway. God's much bigger than an inflamed appendix and he won't let what he's called me to do in Cleveland fall apart so easily.
I think, perhaps, though it's but a two day swing, I wasn't quite ready for today. I felt ready. I had printed all of the flyers. I had made tea and bubbles, and bought milk, a blender, and ice cream. I was ready. But for whatever reason, I wasn't prepared. I hope to be by Wednesday, but that's at least in part in the Lord's hands.
I have, however, been so touched, in a way that I know will give my strength, by the facebook comments that have come in since I mentioned the situation in my status. Each in their own way, people I love, friends, ministry partners, students have commented and reminded me that though I may be embarking on my first sole-staffing campus, I'm far from alone. I always knew that...but today, God has let me feel it.
I don't think that's why Alexandra's appendix flared up today. But I do know it's an outcome God is bringing to fruition. In the midst of all that is happening (atop all that isn't), he's reminding me that he's in control, over top of, and pulling together all that will be InterVarsity at CSU, my impending marriage, and the rest of my life.
Perhaps today, in the measurable sense, didn't define my career. But perhaps, in the less tangible, but altogether more meaningful way, it is redefining how I believe in who I am.
I'm still sitting in this waiting room. I'm still waiting. For today, that's exactly what God had in mind.
-Zack
"What matters to them doesn't change anything"
-Imogen Heap
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