This is the 260th post I've started since migrating to blogspot. That doesn't mean anything to me, because I've got a large volume of unfinished, unpublished posts. That number doesn't mean anything to me, and I don't know how many actually-published posts I've got. I don't care either.
Tomorrow is my last day at Hillsdale. While the plan had been that I'd return for New Student Outreach in the fall, extenuating circumstances ended up dictating otherwise. I'll be starting at Cleveland State right away in the fall. I'm excited about that. Very excited. It will be the beginning of the work I feel like my life has been tending toward forever. I'll finally be doing something the feels like something I'm supposed to be doing. I'll be able to be me.
But I've got to get through tomorrow, and right now, that's got me pensive. I can't wait to move onto the life I'm more excited to lead. I can't wait to finally have a home again and be married.
But, for all its faults (and trust me, they are multifarious), I'm going to hold some slight place in my heart for the first campus I ever staffed. More than that though, because honestly, I think Hillsdale is an institution adding to the destruction of all that is good faster than they're making a positive influence in the world, I'm going to miss the people. Say what you will about the college itself and most of the people it attracts, at least 3 or 4 of the people it, at some point, for some reason, attracted, are people that I've come to love, and I will miss them, even if I enjoy my next place more on the whole.
It's where I grew up, where I first lived truly alone, and where, honestly, I had to be to meet and get to know Alexandra to the point that we ever started dating. God knew what he was doing even if, objectively, from the other side, I probably shouldn't have been placed at Hillsdale as a single guy from Wooster. But this is an instance where hindsight doesn't work like it normally would. As far as I can tell, I shouldn't have been placed at Hillsdale, but looking back, hindsight says it was the best thing. That's an analog for the Kingdom of God, it really is. He used Hillsdale in me, and somehow, he used me at Hillsdale. It turns out, in the end, that no matter how much you might want to leave somewhere, it's never really easy to say goodbye.
But I'm diving in. In just a few short weeks, I'll be wrapping up all association with Hillsdale students when Chapter Focus Week ends. That will probably be harder than tomorrow, because most of the students I'll miss the most are going. Tomorrow night, at 9:30 though, I'll sing the benediction with the whole crowd one last time, but I know I'll never forget it.
Truthfully though, I haven't been myself very often at Hillsdale. For all their trumpeting about freedom, I've felt nothing if not chained to closet what I wish I could say and do on campus. "Walking on eggshells" doesn't begin to describe how its always been while I've been on campus. I can't wait to get away from all of that.
And yet, I'll dearly miss some of the people. It's hard to believe that tomorrow is my last new day prayer, my last student appointments in AJs, my last Unite. I'm glad to be ending at the beginning of the year I think, because at least I'm not the only one going through all of the lasts this time around.
In related but entirely separate realms, this is quite possibly my last night living alone too. It's been a good run, but I'm a worse person when I'm not in more constant community. I'm looking forward to experiencing that again; something I've not had since moving to Hillsdale. Part of that is my fault, but socializing with people associated with Hillsdale college, when you're not one of them, is like grasping for straws with both hands tied behind your back. To not be an outsider to even some takes an eternity; to be accepted fully in the community requires a long-form birth certificate, extensive voting history, and panoply of republican candidate bumper stickers. The requirements lessen with age, but I'm far too young.
It's a war inside of me; wanting to not-leave the people I care about; the people I want to continue to see grow versus wanting to leave as quickly as possible for more fitting and enjoyable pastures.
The war ends tomorrow.
-Zack
"There is a designer, the lament and cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was meant to be"
-Mumford and Sons
Well, at least you'll have one day to hear the reaction to the release of Obama's long-form birth certificate. Turns out he was actually born in the US. Wow!
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