laissez

This time of year, students start to fade into the woods a bit.  They're busy and their minds are less and less on ministry with each passing day.  As staff, it's basically my job, this time of year, to keep them excited and to keep pressing onward, through Chapter Focus Week.

But this year, that's hard, because my mind and heart aren't really in the ministry right now either.  The impending leaving of Hillsdale (and the unnatural amount of energy it takes for me to connect with a typical Hilldale student) pushes my heart to a different place.  The coming wedding fills my hope for the future more than planning for a year I won't be a part of at Hillsdale.  I know I should care more.  I know I should love the people God's called into my life for me to serve at this time.  But I just don't.

I can see, looking back over the last two years, how God has used my time at Hillsdale to steer my life.

But that feels over.  The usefulness of Hillsdale in my life and very nearly my usefulness around here all feel spent.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to have it in me to come back for a month in the fall, to say nothing of trying to care when its very far from the most important thing in my life over the summer.

But it's the task at hand.  I've got to perform.  I'm spent.

But thankfully, God's storehouses are always full.  He can still pour out mercies and grace and rest.  I've got to lean on him entirely right now, because honestly, I've got nothing inside of me to give to this place anymore.

-Zack

"We may make it through the war if we make it through the night"
-Portugal. The Man