Love is a word so small

Sometimes, and right now might be one of those times, I just kind of sit at my computer and try to come up with things to do, to delay one thing or another (now, and probably most often, sleep), hoping an e-mail or something will come through so I've got something I can at least tell myself is important to do before doing the next thing.

And sometimes it happens, but often it doesn't.

Right now I just don't want to go upstairs and read til I feel tired enough to sleep. I love to read, don't get me wrong. I have to read multiple books at a time to feel like I'm getting the most out of my time reading. But I've been reading a lot lately, and at least for me, reading is only one half of the give and take experience that makes up much of my life. If I read too much, I have to write to get to a place where I can read enjoyably again. It could be many things...the necessity to balance consumption with creation, the natural response to reading I developed as an English major in college, or just a natural equilibrium I've got to have in my life. If I write a lot for awhile, I can't for awhile, and in that time, I always read more.

But it's all inexact. I just know I've been reading a lot lately. I've finished three books since I moved to Hillsdale...and as always, they weren't the only things I've been reading...and it's not like I've done nothing but read. Not only is that logistically impossible, but it's psychologically impossible too. I've written a lot more too. I think I, at least for the week, struck a good balance between the two.

But right now, all of this, feels more like an attempt to dull a mental edge totally unrelated to writing and reading and to let me come to a place of mental peace and serenity so I can get to sleep.

But it's not that easy really...not really at all.

Things are really just kind of lonely here. Not even really in a bad way. Well, I guess I would usually differentiate loneliness, solitude, and alone-ness, and I did choose to say "lonely" but I don't feel like I'm just dying for human contact or anything like that. I've got a good roommate and it's my job to work with some of the most remarkable students on the planet. But it just feels like there's a sort of connection I'm missing in life. I don't know what it is. I think it has something to do with knowing or seeing. But that's both vague and as much as I can come up with to say about it right now.

Things are good here. Very good. But I do miss things from home and from Wooster, but that's always natural. I feel like I don't understand or just don't get something about something, but that's all I can say about that too because it's all I know of it...and it's strange.

I think I'm going to give up and go read.

-Zack

"He's unresponsive cause you're irresponsible"
-Death Cab for Cutie