I've decided that writing is a Voldemortian experience, but the opposite. It's like, for me, creating horcruxes. As I go about the process, it's like splitting up my soul and injecting a bit of it into whatever I'm writing. But it doesn't kill. For me, it gives life. Honestly, it feels like the best use of my time, at any given time. I don't know what that means and it's not really the entire truth because it's not like it's my job or anything. But I do know that, for my whole life, I've often felt like I'm wasting time. Playing video games, reading, even sometimes when I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing because it is my job..it just feels like I'm taking time away from something else...that sounds vague, I know, but I'm not sure how to describe it. It just feels like I'm meant to be doing something else, a lot of the time, no matter what I'm doing. It's a semi-fleeting feeling when it happens, but it's not altogether uncommon, especially when I'm doing truly useless things, like watching television.
But I'm doing well with my sort-of-a-new-year's-resolution to write more. When I find time, which is thankfully common enough, I spend time writing. I've got about 4 "projects" going right now and it's alright, very alright. When I'm writing I feel like I'm fulfilling a purpose inside of me that's always been there. I have no idea what that means for my life, but it's nice, just to have the deep desire or instability gone from my inner being. Part of me wonders if I didn't decide to come on staff, at least in part, because it fed my subconscious will's necessity to write. I don't know if or really think that I'll ever make a career of writing, especially because that normally means writing for the sake of a magazine, newspaper, or television event. I could do that, but I don't think it would satiate the monster I've managed to put to sleep this year. I just feel like I'm a better person when I'm regularly writing, even if that just means I'll have a bunch of practically useless word files containing stories and parts of stories on my computers for the rest of my life. I don't care, not in the slightest, because it's the only real way I've found that answers a deep question that, up to now, had been spoken in an internal language I couldn't consciously decipher. I honestly think it may have been a sort of personality sickness that has always been a threat. Since graduation, I don't know that I've been the person I was or could be at college...maybe it's incorrect, I'm still learning myself. But up until May 2009, I had to write on various occasions, for classes. When that left my life, I think a part of me left with it in a more horcruxial way than writing is now. For whatever reason, I have to express myself in writing to survive, I have to splinter my soul in some way and insert bits of it into text documents on my computer...it's just how I was made when I was knit together in my since estranged mother's womb.
-Zack
"At the start, he was there"
-David Crowder
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
How we aspire
I heard, on the radio yesterday, an off-handed comment about people younger than 30...in this particular broadcaster's opinion, there hasn't been a great thing to come out of anyone born in the last 30 years apart from facebook.
Whether or not that's true, I don't actually care. Whether or not I agree, that too, I don't care about. Actually, I think he's probably not too far off, all things considered.
"Great" is a loaded word that can easily mean "oppressive" as much as it means "exemplary." They say we don't have great novels the way we used to; like people just can't write now like they could 80 years ago or something. It's true, James Joyce hasn't been equaled in my mind for aesthetic skill, but there wasn't anyone prior to him that did either. The question isn't about greatness, it's about perception.
I believe the greatest living writer is Salman Rushdie and I'd say that 's nearly an objective truth. I don't really care to argue it though, at least not for the sake of actually determining who is the greatest author. Dave Eggers is up there too, but AHBWOSG is grossly overrated and "What is the What" is far from enough for him to stage any sort of coup, in my mind, for the title.
I'm not writing this right now in order to discover who the greatest living author is or isn't..I'm trying to get to the bottom of something, something about this concept of greatness that people my age or younger, or a bit older, supposedly don't grasp or at least don't accomplish.
We could argue merits of different artists and craftspeople and maybe we'll prove that facebook isn't the end of the story for our generation. Even so, new buildings are rarely architectural wonders. Function is over-coming "greatness." It's about ease and efficiency now...but who is to say there's nothing great about that? Even so, I'm kind of old-school about some things, and I lament the sorts of video games I grew up on no longer being made because things like farmville and angry birds are outselling everything. But it's all marching onward...ease and efficiency, not too much time, not too much commitment...just gratification in the fastest and most accessible way for the masses.
That probably sounds like a bit of an indictment, but I'm not convinced it is....We're the first generation to internalize post-modern ideals (misleading many to label us a post-modern culture...post-modernism is an idealogy, not a culture or a set of values..it's a set of assumptions about truth and reality), and one of them, perhaps my favorite of them, post-modern ideals that is, is the value and worth of all humans. People (colleagues and students of mine in particular) often accuse all things post-modern as a rejection of all in any objective form...there are those among us, the post-modern thinkers, that do that, but it's rarely actually the case. What's actually happening is a process of decentering...instead of centering on societal ideals, like the preminence of white men, the democratization of ideas, and the objectivity of experience, we break out of molds and let what actually is emerge. What I mean is that instead of thinking everyone ought to like something because it is "great," acknowledging that cultural artifacts are products of culture and they are understood through culture...meaning some may appreciate, and some may not...it's not a deficiency, it's just a real difference. Even educational advantages in art history are a part of the culture of art history when it comes down to it.
That's a fairly complicated way of saying that while facebook may be our greatest thing, it itself is great because it allows people to be themselves or try to be whomever they want to be...how people use it may be wrong and I do have strong feelings about the place of children on facebook or attention-seeking through it...but at the end of the day, it's a place where people can choose to claim their own voice and it is, for that reason, great. But it also establishes other ways for things to be great...sure, no one is ever going to write huck finn again, but we will write things that acknowledge that we can only see the world as we can with our own eyes...that's both a higher form of art, more generally appealing, truer, and ultimately, greater.
To those who have not internalized post-modernity as many of my generation have, it looks hazy, it looks lazy, it looks sub-par. But just because they don't have the eyes to see why it's great doesn't erase its greatness. Of course they are entitled to their opinions in the same way I am my own. Not understanding or seeking to do so though, will never be an excuse to criticize.
-Zack
"I couldn't bare it, to live for fear "
-Yo La Tengo
Whether or not that's true, I don't actually care. Whether or not I agree, that too, I don't care about. Actually, I think he's probably not too far off, all things considered.
"Great" is a loaded word that can easily mean "oppressive" as much as it means "exemplary." They say we don't have great novels the way we used to; like people just can't write now like they could 80 years ago or something. It's true, James Joyce hasn't been equaled in my mind for aesthetic skill, but there wasn't anyone prior to him that did either. The question isn't about greatness, it's about perception.
I believe the greatest living writer is Salman Rushdie and I'd say that 's nearly an objective truth. I don't really care to argue it though, at least not for the sake of actually determining who is the greatest author. Dave Eggers is up there too, but AHBWOSG is grossly overrated and "What is the What" is far from enough for him to stage any sort of coup, in my mind, for the title.
I'm not writing this right now in order to discover who the greatest living author is or isn't..I'm trying to get to the bottom of something, something about this concept of greatness that people my age or younger, or a bit older, supposedly don't grasp or at least don't accomplish.
We could argue merits of different artists and craftspeople and maybe we'll prove that facebook isn't the end of the story for our generation. Even so, new buildings are rarely architectural wonders. Function is over-coming "greatness." It's about ease and efficiency now...but who is to say there's nothing great about that? Even so, I'm kind of old-school about some things, and I lament the sorts of video games I grew up on no longer being made because things like farmville and angry birds are outselling everything. But it's all marching onward...ease and efficiency, not too much time, not too much commitment...just gratification in the fastest and most accessible way for the masses.
That probably sounds like a bit of an indictment, but I'm not convinced it is....We're the first generation to internalize post-modern ideals (misleading many to label us a post-modern culture...post-modernism is an idealogy, not a culture or a set of values..it's a set of assumptions about truth and reality), and one of them, perhaps my favorite of them, post-modern ideals that is, is the value and worth of all humans. People (colleagues and students of mine in particular) often accuse all things post-modern as a rejection of all in any objective form...there are those among us, the post-modern thinkers, that do that, but it's rarely actually the case. What's actually happening is a process of decentering...instead of centering on societal ideals, like the preminence of white men, the democratization of ideas, and the objectivity of experience, we break out of molds and let what actually is emerge. What I mean is that instead of thinking everyone ought to like something because it is "great," acknowledging that cultural artifacts are products of culture and they are understood through culture...meaning some may appreciate, and some may not...it's not a deficiency, it's just a real difference. Even educational advantages in art history are a part of the culture of art history when it comes down to it.
That's a fairly complicated way of saying that while facebook may be our greatest thing, it itself is great because it allows people to be themselves or try to be whomever they want to be...how people use it may be wrong and I do have strong feelings about the place of children on facebook or attention-seeking through it...but at the end of the day, it's a place where people can choose to claim their own voice and it is, for that reason, great. But it also establishes other ways for things to be great...sure, no one is ever going to write huck finn again, but we will write things that acknowledge that we can only see the world as we can with our own eyes...that's both a higher form of art, more generally appealing, truer, and ultimately, greater.
To those who have not internalized post-modernity as many of my generation have, it looks hazy, it looks lazy, it looks sub-par. But just because they don't have the eyes to see why it's great doesn't erase its greatness. Of course they are entitled to their opinions in the same way I am my own. Not understanding or seeking to do so though, will never be an excuse to criticize.
-Zack
"I couldn't bare it, to live for fear "
-Yo La Tengo
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
It always rolls.
The Packers won the Super Bowl for the second time in my life on Sunday. That's the highest accomplishment for my favorite team in the NFL and it makes me happy, but I don't know if it makes me happy enough. It's definitely better than the alternative, but I feel like I should be happier.
Honestly, though I root for the Packers and always will, I might have been happier if the Browns had won it, for Cleveland's sake. Some things are bigger than football, and though sports aren't everything, a break-through for a team from Cleveland would mean a lot more to me no matter what team it was than even the Packers winning.
That probably means I'm taking my first steps toward "fan conversion" but I don't believe that. I can't imagine not being a Packers fan...but I honestly feel a little bit guilty for it, as I probably identify with the Cavaliers as my favorite team in all of sports more than any other right now.
The day after the Packers won the Super Bowl, the Cavs set the record for most losses in a row outright...they had set the record for most losses in a row within a single season on Saturday.
Though they have nothing to do with each other, I've definitely allowed the Cavs horrible year to poison the Packers' accomplishment. Honestly, I was more excited when the Packers beat the Eagles in the first week of the playoffs than I was at any other point. I honestly felt entitled to that Super Bowl victory because I didn't believe any team in the league was actually better than the Packers...being a Cavaliers fan, that kind of made me a Miami Heat fan translated onto an NFL skin. That's ridiculous...but it's sub-conscious.
I honestly believe losing hurts worse than winning feels good, which makes sports a sucker bet, as only one team can be champions at the end of the year in any given sport....the feeling of not-losing and not-winning, which can only come from not-caring is the "safest" way.
It's probably too late to stop caring now, and I'm moving to Cleveland next year so not caring about sports isn't really an option. I'll deal with it...
I think a bit of it might have to do with community too though...I'm not a part of the larger Packer-fan community...I'm not from wisconsin and I don't know many other Packers' fans around anywhere I spend time, much less am I friends with any of them. There's something special that happens when Ohio State wins and a big part of that is the fact that almost everyone I know loves the Buckeyes and I can enjoy it with them.
Indeed, I think that means I'm wrong...the glory of winning probably does outweigh the hurt of losing. Last June I watched the U.S.'s last second win in a world cup game in a room full of people who cared. I don't really care about soccer, but I couldn't help get caught up in the moment and cheer on our guys...heck, I don't even like the U.S. as a country very much a lot of the time....but it didn't matter then.
It always rolls back around...community, others, people, friends, love...those are why we live...they make sports better, they make life better...they make living equal more than some vapid dollar sign in the end.
I am happy the Packers won. I am hopeful that the Cavs might someday win again. Indeed, I am hopeful that Ohio State could win the Basketball championship this year. I'm in the midst of what could be the best year of my life...I'm getting married for one...and the Packers won the Super Bowl.
If anything, I just need to stop and realize that.
-Zack
"So I'm counting on your fingers, cause you've reattached the twitch"
-Bon Iver
Honestly, though I root for the Packers and always will, I might have been happier if the Browns had won it, for Cleveland's sake. Some things are bigger than football, and though sports aren't everything, a break-through for a team from Cleveland would mean a lot more to me no matter what team it was than even the Packers winning.
That probably means I'm taking my first steps toward "fan conversion" but I don't believe that. I can't imagine not being a Packers fan...but I honestly feel a little bit guilty for it, as I probably identify with the Cavaliers as my favorite team in all of sports more than any other right now.
The day after the Packers won the Super Bowl, the Cavs set the record for most losses in a row outright...they had set the record for most losses in a row within a single season on Saturday.
Though they have nothing to do with each other, I've definitely allowed the Cavs horrible year to poison the Packers' accomplishment. Honestly, I was more excited when the Packers beat the Eagles in the first week of the playoffs than I was at any other point. I honestly felt entitled to that Super Bowl victory because I didn't believe any team in the league was actually better than the Packers...being a Cavaliers fan, that kind of made me a Miami Heat fan translated onto an NFL skin. That's ridiculous...but it's sub-conscious.
I honestly believe losing hurts worse than winning feels good, which makes sports a sucker bet, as only one team can be champions at the end of the year in any given sport....the feeling of not-losing and not-winning, which can only come from not-caring is the "safest" way.
It's probably too late to stop caring now, and I'm moving to Cleveland next year so not caring about sports isn't really an option. I'll deal with it...
I think a bit of it might have to do with community too though...I'm not a part of the larger Packer-fan community...I'm not from wisconsin and I don't know many other Packers' fans around anywhere I spend time, much less am I friends with any of them. There's something special that happens when Ohio State wins and a big part of that is the fact that almost everyone I know loves the Buckeyes and I can enjoy it with them.
Indeed, I think that means I'm wrong...the glory of winning probably does outweigh the hurt of losing. Last June I watched the U.S.'s last second win in a world cup game in a room full of people who cared. I don't really care about soccer, but I couldn't help get caught up in the moment and cheer on our guys...heck, I don't even like the U.S. as a country very much a lot of the time....but it didn't matter then.
It always rolls back around...community, others, people, friends, love...those are why we live...they make sports better, they make life better...they make living equal more than some vapid dollar sign in the end.
I am happy the Packers won. I am hopeful that the Cavs might someday win again. Indeed, I am hopeful that Ohio State could win the Basketball championship this year. I'm in the midst of what could be the best year of my life...I'm getting married for one...and the Packers won the Super Bowl.
If anything, I just need to stop and realize that.
-Zack
"So I'm counting on your fingers, cause you've reattached the twitch"
-Bon Iver
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Ethnicity 3: Heritage
I'm sitting in the "Heritage Room" at Hillsdale right now. It's a fancy room off the side of the library here with semi-comfortable (although not terribly) seats, lots of "key books" which means hyperbolic, dogmatic, propaganda about how great the constitution is or was or how awesome the United States could be or (the worst) how capitalism is the best.
Heritage, they call it.
But I think that's as far off-base as you could get, thinking about what this all really is, and what heritage actually is.
Perhaps, as Americans, this is our heritage...a "celebration" of our past through the lens of the "great" things that make America America. That...and a lot of Eagle statues...I think there are about 12 of them in a room that's around 15 by 20 feet. I guess I can buy that. But I'm not sure I'm a fan of the assumption that all Americans, as Americans, necessarily share the same Heritage. Actually, I am positive that we do not. Indeed, it is one of our overlooked strengths as a country that we do, indeed, not share said Heritage.
That being said, it's an easy heritage for upper middle class white people to embrace. The Swiss-German side of me doesn't care that much about the Swiss-German part of my past (save for the oppressed Anabaptist bit), so why shouldn't people who are fully white and usually rich for generations embrace, fully, a heritage defined by a country that writes its own history as victors?
Well.....the truth, probably, would be a reason why that shouldn't be the case. I don't see any pictures of oppressed people groups on the walls...no paintings of the trail of tears or land traded for a few small pox blankets and a bottle of whiskey...I don't see any signs of slavery or any African men with but two-thirds their face. The American heritage, which is not just lauded but heavy-handedly worshiped here at Hillsdale, was built upon the backs of people who "don't look like us."
I'm probably being unfair, just because I'm sitting in this room. My own belief that ultimately nothing good can come from capitalism doesn't help. But there aren't even any signs of celebrated diversity in here. For a school that has nearly as many lincolns as they do eagles, Jim Crow is de facto the modus operandi.
As I try to figure out, more and more, what it means for me to be a person of mixed race, I'm beginning, more and more, to feel at least slightly more out of place at Hillsdale. Most of the time, I'm the least white person in the room. For anyone that has seen me or met me, that should be a joke...but it's almost always true.
I know I probably won't get to do or see much changing around here, but for the present moment, I'll be conscious of what it does mean to be who and what I am while I'm here..and I won't let an opportunity slip that could at least steer one or two student's ethnic journeys.....we're all on them or should be and the first step is acknowledgement.
-Zack
"If ever I wasn't the greatest...I musta missed it"
-Kanye West
Heritage, they call it.
But I think that's as far off-base as you could get, thinking about what this all really is, and what heritage actually is.
Perhaps, as Americans, this is our heritage...a "celebration" of our past through the lens of the "great" things that make America America. That...and a lot of Eagle statues...I think there are about 12 of them in a room that's around 15 by 20 feet. I guess I can buy that. But I'm not sure I'm a fan of the assumption that all Americans, as Americans, necessarily share the same Heritage. Actually, I am positive that we do not. Indeed, it is one of our overlooked strengths as a country that we do, indeed, not share said Heritage.
That being said, it's an easy heritage for upper middle class white people to embrace. The Swiss-German side of me doesn't care that much about the Swiss-German part of my past (save for the oppressed Anabaptist bit), so why shouldn't people who are fully white and usually rich for generations embrace, fully, a heritage defined by a country that writes its own history as victors?
Well.....the truth, probably, would be a reason why that shouldn't be the case. I don't see any pictures of oppressed people groups on the walls...no paintings of the trail of tears or land traded for a few small pox blankets and a bottle of whiskey...I don't see any signs of slavery or any African men with but two-thirds their face. The American heritage, which is not just lauded but heavy-handedly worshiped here at Hillsdale, was built upon the backs of people who "don't look like us."
I'm probably being unfair, just because I'm sitting in this room. My own belief that ultimately nothing good can come from capitalism doesn't help. But there aren't even any signs of celebrated diversity in here. For a school that has nearly as many lincolns as they do eagles, Jim Crow is de facto the modus operandi.
As I try to figure out, more and more, what it means for me to be a person of mixed race, I'm beginning, more and more, to feel at least slightly more out of place at Hillsdale. Most of the time, I'm the least white person in the room. For anyone that has seen me or met me, that should be a joke...but it's almost always true.
I know I probably won't get to do or see much changing around here, but for the present moment, I'll be conscious of what it does mean to be who and what I am while I'm here..and I won't let an opportunity slip that could at least steer one or two student's ethnic journeys.....we're all on them or should be and the first step is acknowledgement.
-Zack
"If ever I wasn't the greatest...I musta missed it"
-Kanye West
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wanna play with my Tesla Coil?
The White Stripes officially broke up today. That might not mean much of anything to most of you. Really, it doesn't ultimately much to me either. The recordings still exist and life goes on. But it's kind of a passing era for me, personally. I've liked bands that have broken up already and whatever. But the White Stripes were, if there was any, the band of my high school years. They, more than any other band, are forever linked to those times for me. I remember downloading videos of them playing live (pre-youtube...) and feeling like my mind was completely expanded by their free-wheeling, tight, explosive sound...from two people..one of them simply being a genius that, no matter how simplistic the concept, continuously provided a sound that was unique and refreshing....and unrelentingly artistic. They led me to the blues which led me to classic rock and to the blues...somewhere in that whole interchange I released all genre-allegiances and started listening to anything and everything. It probably wasn't that simple, but I know I wouldn't be the music listener I am today without the White Stripes...who knows, I might not be the person I am today.
While I was in China, there were two songs that I sort of clung to...one, which absolutely revolutionized how I listen to music was "X Gon give it to ya" by DMX, which got me listening to Hip Hop at all. But the other was Icky Thump by the White Stripes...probably their last great song (on an admittedly lackluster album).
There might not be another band made up of a divorced couple with no other members that somehow has a stage rapport with one another bordering on the intensely intimate.
And....well, there's this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8V4O9wBQc4
And this:
Anyway you cut it....it's a passing of a band that I let impact me, that I let, to some degree, become a part of me. I also realized recently that I'm as old as my mom was when I was born.
I'm getting older.
And yet, there is so much to look forward to....
-Zack
"Why don't you kick yourself out you're an immigrant too"
-The White Stripes
While I was in China, there were two songs that I sort of clung to...one, which absolutely revolutionized how I listen to music was "X Gon give it to ya" by DMX, which got me listening to Hip Hop at all. But the other was Icky Thump by the White Stripes...probably their last great song (on an admittedly lackluster album).
There might not be another band made up of a divorced couple with no other members that somehow has a stage rapport with one another bordering on the intensely intimate.
And....well, there's this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8V4O9wBQc4
And this:
Anyway you cut it....it's a passing of a band that I let impact me, that I let, to some degree, become a part of me. I also realized recently that I'm as old as my mom was when I was born.
I'm getting older.
And yet, there is so much to look forward to....
-Zack
"Why don't you kick yourself out you're an immigrant too"
-The White Stripes
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