Warning: This post is just about sports

I was uncharacteristically quiet about football on facebook this week. There are 3 reasons:

1. Ohio State played a night game against Indiana. Indiana isn't a big enough deal to make anything of in the morning, and I didn't get to facebook much throughout the day...ironically, unlike a lot of people, I tend to stay away from facebook on weekends because I find myself there a lot of the week, while I'm working... sometimes it's for work, sometimes it's to kill time...it's often in between.

2. The Packers didn't play yesterday, they play today.

3. I am a big bag of mixed emotions about tonight's game and that's why I'm even writing this right now. Well, that and it's very on my mind and I budget 4-5 each day to write if there isn't anything else that must be done by the end of the day.

As you probably know, if the title didn't keep you from reading this, Brett Favre used to be the quarterback for the Packers. That's an understatement though... he wasn't just the quarterback for the Packers, not to me. He really was a childhood hero. I've loved the Packers since I loved football, which has been most of my life but not all of it. God was kind enough to let me be born at the perfect time, when the Browns wouldn't exist as I came of Football-fan age, and I was sort of a fan free-agent... it was the year before the Packers made it to their first superbowl with Favre, and I always heard about Reggie White in church, so I decided I liked the Packers.

Initially, and still to an extent, I was a defense guy. My favorite player was Reggie White, then LeRoy Butler. But of course I loved some guys on offense too... Bubba Franks, Dorsey Levens, Ahman Green, Antonio Freeman, Javon Walker... Samkon Gado even I loved all those guys, some of them more than Favre at times. But Favre always stuck around. He was the superman... the constant that delivered when others left or retired. And he became a thing of personal legend and mythology. When the critics said he was washed up, the Packers got back to the NFC championship game. It's been said, a lot, that he throws a lot of interceptions but makes a lot of great plays, so "you live and you die by him." That happened a lot, and I think part of the love I have (or had?) for Brett Favre was having to live and die by him, every Sunday. It wasn't easy to lose on his interceptions, but it was better than having a sterilized, weak, cautious guy with no superbowl rings by a long shot.

But now he's a Viking. In my lifetime, the Vikings are the Packers' biggest rival. Sure, it will always be the Bears, but they haven't been too great for awhile and there's a certain respect between the Bears and Packers... but the Vikings are the team the Packers hate, and I think it's mutual, because the rivalry isn't something of old... it comes from trading blows and ruining seasons year in and year out.

I should feel really heartbroken, really betrayed.

Part of me does.

A lot of me doesn't (and part of that a lot is the part that acknowledges it's just football and it's not ever Ohio State).

I find it hard to hate Brett Favre because I don't know if I want to return his disloyalty with my own.... I'm probably far too moralistic about the whole thing, but why return wrong with wrong? There are so many good memories...so many incredible memories... not even just in seeing him play, but in my personal life, largely because of him. I remember how he came through with one of the best games by a quarterback of all time on Monday Night Football while I was in High School, the night after his dad died and one of my friends had me over just to see how I crumbled when the Packers lost to the Raiders. But that night, as much fun as it was seeing that, was more about cultivating and nurturing a friendship I hold to this day than it was about Brett Favre... but it was because of Brett Favre.

It's just hard to hate someone that I feel has done so much for me. And of course it wasn't really for me, and of course he has done things that are just for him and all about him... but even so, I hold a place in my heart for him (my football heart...as much as that matters, which is probably very little) that I can't get rid of... it's kind of like when you break up a great relationship... no matter how bad the breakup is, there's always a little part of your heart that appreciates the good times, even if you could never get back together. At least I do...but I'm highly sentimental, if you haven't learned anything else about me from this yet....

I will be rooting for the Packers tonight... team before individual, and especially team before traitor... but I will always hope the best for Brett Favre, as far as it doesn't hurt the Packers. Unfortunately, as a Viking, that will be rare... and he brought it upon himself.

Follow me on twitter for updates throughout the game (after Heroes...): @dulacian

-Zack

" if it hits, better make it worth the fall"
-Keri Hilson

Reprising the Now and Not Yet

I've come to terms with things this week. Well, these past two weeks. Many things. Or, at least, important things.

One of them, perhaps the most important, is that I've been creating urgency about Hillsdale. The world's not ending while I'm not on campus. Sure, it would make my life a lot easier if all of my funding was in and I was on campus right now, doing my thing and getting paid and preaching the Gospel. That's what I'm best at, because it's what I've been doing for the last three years. But I'm definitely not best at raising money and I'm definitely not best at being patient, and I am very very far from being best at letting things go to God and trusting in his divine timing. I'm working on it though.... I'm working on it mostly, right now, aside from the baselines stuff of prayer and Bible Study, by being diligent and unworried, all at once...a sort of divine passivity, I believe I heard our Regional Director refer to it once or twice. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing as faithfully and diligently as possible, and God will provide, maybe even with miracles, when it's his time to do that....and he knows when that will be. He wants me here right now, and he might want me here into next semester. I've come to terms with that, and it's made my life a lot more peaceful. All that being said, I'm not going to stop working as hard as I can.

I've also come to terms with the fact that it's been a year, well, will have been a year, since Meg and I ended our relationship, and it was good that it ended then as well as being good that I've not ended up in a relationship since. I might not be in a relationship by May either, which would be the longest I've been single since I started dating between my sophomore and junior years of high school. Even so, that is good. I've learned a lot about myself, a lot about what I need from a relationship, and a lot about, even, what I want in a relationship. With regard to this, I've let myself succumb to unspoken and unintended peer pressure. No one really cared, and no one said anything, but I felt a bit of pressure (probably, even, self-applied), when I was one of the few WCF graduates outside of committed relationships or engagements (or, as last weekend showed us, near engagements...). Sometimes, when I think about the "facts," I can make myself feel left out or behind, when I think about how many classmates I have that are now married, or how many of them are engaged, or how many of them have told me they plan to be engaged soon...or at least are with the person they intended to marry. But I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know that. I only know that though, because I know God's put me here for a reason. The past year has been hard for many reasons a lot of the time. But God's been pulling me along, as if by a string, the whole time, and what could be or would be that has not been was never intended to be. I'm single now for a reason. I'm still in Ohio now, for a reason. If I'm totally honest, I want both of those facts to change as quickly as possible. But very little of either is in my control...and I'm alright with that.

I'm compiling a "top 100 songs of the decade" playlist on my computer. It's been fun so far, but right now, I've just been adding songs to a playlist in a sort of "nomination" capacity. The hard part will be making decisions and cuts. I'll probably post the list on facebook with a few explanations, when it's finished. I might post it here too...I don't know. Even in going through all of the songs I've got (through artist name starting with R) (the most important stipulation is that I have to have the song on my computer...), I have no idea what the song of the decade might be. That's generally unimportant...but I'll come up with something...probably arbitrary.

I'm in the process of developing a daily routine...like, a precise daily routine. I'm pretty "NP" as they say in the Meyers-Briggs world, so schedules don't really come naturally to me...but structure is good for everyone. What I enjoy most is that the book that's compelled me to do this ("Ordering your Private World", by Gordon McDonald) says it's good to schedule time to write and read into your day if it fits and fits your occupation. I think it fits mine...and since I do often run out of things to do in the mid-afternoon, it fits nicely, and I can do it (like right now), without feeling like I should be doing something else...because I have the time scheduled in to make sure I do what I have to do. That's basic, and probably something most people already know...but I've been coasting through life on talent alone til now, and I'm enjoying working through life on developing skill and personal growth.

The NHL season starts today...or tomorrow...this weekend, sometime, for sure. Since I don't live in Michigan yet, I can still be a Canadiens fan. Well, I might stay one anyway....but I might change too, if the Red Wings and their fans become compelling while I'm there.

I don't really care about Hockey though...

I think that's all I've got for now. I feel like I had more to say in this week's post at some point earlier in the week, but I forgot it all now.


Recommendations for the week:

See:
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (Tim Burton version...yes, there are other versions more readily available than you might be inclined to believe)
The Best Years of Our Lives (Old movie about 3 men coming home from WWII. Aside from it's pro-war bent that sometimes appears, it's a remarkable film)
Everything is Illuminated (incredible post-modern road film starring Elijah Wood, directed by Liev Schreiber. You won't be disappointed)

Watch:
The Office. the wedding is next week

Read:
The Land, by Mildred Tyler
Ordering Your Private World, by Gordon McDonald

(Although I doubt you missed it, I'll tell you anyway; I consider movie-viewing an act of seeing and television-viewing an act of watching...I have a reason, and I might explain it sometime)

avec la paix,
-Zack

"Home, where I wanted to go"
-Coldplay

Pure: an addendum

I had never posted any sort of addendum to my blog posts. I was and probably still am something of a brash little writer who doesn't think anything I say ever needs correcting, ever needs furthering. That really doesn't work well in the long run, because I'm far from a thoughtful writer. I just explode for a few minutes and a composition appears on the screen. I wrote this way in college, and after my sophomore year, I even stopped any degree of careful editing after the fact.

But here's a second addendum in just over as many days. The tide, indeed, is turning, and maybe that's because I'm becoming a better person and a better writer. I hope that is the case, at least.

I said in my post "pure" from last Tuesday that we can sit around and think about "what-ifs" forever. That's true....we could. But I did an inadequate job of intimating the sovereignty of God through all of that. I made what is not and what will never be a dream-like fantasy, and it sounded like I longed for it. Maybe then, I did. But it was a faithless longing and truly has no place in my life. Not only has God decided otherwise, but he has done so for the best of reasons....not even just the "best possible," because we don't use best possible to really mean best possible most of the time, but really, the best, the absolute, fulfilling all of your wildest dreams best. I apologize for my lack of faith, and I hope you do not do the same mistake in thinking about your past as I did last week.

The truth is, we don't know ourselves as well as we think. I thought, last week, that if, perhaps, our lives had never diverged, Katarina and I might have had something. But the truth is, that probably wouldn't have happened, because who I am and who I am becoming is not what's perfect for her, and she's not what's perfect for me. I've definitely come to realize in the past week that my disclaimed blueprint is even a large fallacy, and I didn't do a good enough job of saying that in my disclaimer. I have a strong suspicion that whoever I end up with will be wildly different from me...perhaps a republican that thinks foreign films are stupid and wouldn't read Pride and Prejudice for payment. I dread my future if that's the case, but if it is, and it still could be, I know God loves me enough that I would love that person more than anyone else in the world....from right here, without any scrap of rationality, but love, nonetheless....love is probably more inherently irrational that we admit most of the time anyway.

So I apologize to you, my readers, for presumption. God knows me, he knows you, and he knows Katarina better than any of us know each other or ourselves...and the same goes for his love. He's got the perfect person in mind for me (and you), and she could be wildly different from anything I imagine, but for whatever reason, and it doesn't have to be a reason I could ever know, she's the one for me and will make me unimaginably (from here) happy.

-Zack

"This life is ours for worse or better, and these dreams are ours to share together"
-Mae

Sabbath Ponderings pt 2.: Walking Downhill

For the past two weeks, the pastor at the church I've been going to (which I would call "my church" if I could commit to it for a long period of time...but my entire life is too up in the air, and that truly is unfortunate) has spoke on two remarkably well known passages: The Great Commission last week, and The Good Samaritan just today.

Both times, he's said something about the context I've never heard, but it was quite illuminating.

Last week, with the Great Comission, it was the fact that "go into the world and make disciples of all nations" could be accurately, perhaps even more accurately, translated "while you are going into the world make disciples of everyone, not just jews" The not just jews part wasn't at all new...that's kind of the point, but the "while you are going into the world, making it something you're just doing, something that's just happening as you live life...that struck me. It made it a lot easier to apply it to everyone. The former argument had just been "trust me, Jesus didn't just say this for these guys or missionaries and pastors today, but for everyone." But the truth is, we're all already going into the world. It's just life... we're not living a sequestered life with other Christians 100% of the time. I've always said that you should take Jesus with you everywhere you go, and that's kind of my catch-phrase sometimes (which I probably stole from someone, I admit), but now, Jesus said that too...directly, to everyone.

Today, with the Good Samaritan, the ground-breaking insight had to do with the priest and the levite that passed the mugged-man by.... because they were going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, they weren't on duty. There was absolutely no real excuse for them to not touch the guy... I've often heard that they didn't want to have to purify themselves before they could get back to work, but the way things worked was that if they were headed toward Jericho, then they already had a few months off, since the priests and Levites lived in Jericho but worked, in multi-month shifts in Jerusalem. Jesus was basically saying that these men were upstanding and moral, or should have been... their station in life was a key to their presumed character, not some kind of out we like to give them, looking at it with limited Biblical knowledge a lot of the time.

-Zack
"And how could such a thing shine it's light on me and make everything beautiful?"
-David Crowder

I feel like I should have an addendum to last night's post, so that's what this is.

I was pretty wrong about this weekend.

It's been good.

But what isn't good? The movie "The Goods." I strongly recommend avoiding it....

It's funny sometimes, maybe even a lot, but it's also mostly a waste of time.

I'm not sure why comedy films seem to insist on a generally low level of quality.... but they seem to. Maybe it's just because unless I'm invested in the franchise to some degree (Harry Potter), I tend to stay away from the corporate, hollywood cash-movies, except for when it comes to comedy....and for good reason; I haven't seen an action film of that ilk worth watching since Chronicles of Riddick, and that has a sort of underground, graphic novel vibe so it's not even quite the huge, overblown production things like The Dark Knight (most overrated movie ever, by the way) or Spiderman 3 tend to be....to say nothing of the non-licensed material stuff....like Surrogates, which might be the worst movie of the year by leaps and bounds, if The Goods isn't.

That being said, despite the crudeness, Judd Apatow is a brilliant director and his movies actually are pieces of art....not all comedies are trash (and you have to differentiate between the Apatow written and the Apatow directed... that should go without saying, but we, as a movie watching country, have suddenly started giving ridiculously undue amounts of credit to screen writers...but tell me this: how much better is The Forty Year-Old Virgin than Pineapple Express? The answer? They aren't even close.... but Apatow wrote the latter and directed the former, and it really does make all the difference in the world).

But anything with Will Ferrell in it (and he has a bit part in the goods) or that looks like something he would be in never fails to be a laugh-a-minute train-wreck of a film.


So.... I used an addendum to last night's post as a cover for talking about film.

Sue me.

I spent the last year using a graduation requirement as the same thing.

-Zack

"Restoration frees us here"
-David Crowder Band

Sliver of hope evaporated. No homecoming for me this weekend. That does equal a pretty dull weekend, I think.... but all of my weekends have been dull since one short-story worthy night in late July, so there's nothing new there.

As dull weekends go, I'm getting used to them, but one things you've got to get used to about them is that, as dull as they are going in, there are ways for them to be surprising.

The most surprising thing is I often don't know how I'm going to respond to it emotionally. Some say emotions are largely about Entry Posture (that's IV-speak for your frame of mind going into something), and I do think that's true (both because it is true and because I'll hopefully get paid to say it's true someday)... but emotions are kind of wild-card for extroverts... maybe they're wild card for everyone, but it's a lot easier to predict when you'll have free time to be alone to recharge than it is to predict extrovertable moments, especially on weekends which, after four years of college, are hard to dial down to mundanity (which isn't a word, but I believe it should be, so it is).... probably, additionally, especially on a weekend when I kind of feel like I'm being held out of a huge party going on in a place I long to be every couple of hours (that's a bit of hyperbole, but at least daily, it does sneak into my mind that "I wish I was in Wooster," and that happens even more often if I think about people and in times when I am fed up with the overall lack of extroversion, out-going-opportunities, and things of that ilk, that I certainly took for granted in college. I've always been a sort of borderline Introvert, but I've learned in the past two months that that's more a cultivated taste for refined alone-time than it is actual introversion. The truth is, without ample opportunities to process outwardly, I get naturally depressed and just want to sleep all of the time. Yesterday, I wrote the longest facebook message of my life (which is quite the feat, considering many of you have probably received the longest facebook message you've ever seen from me...well, maybe that's not true...but if you ask my past two girlfriends, they'd verify that...), and after the about two hours I spent composing it, I was in the best mood I've been in since leaving the Wooster caravan after Chapter Focus Week. It had been too long, since I had that sort of chance (and I probably took advantage of it, and I'm not totally sure the recipient of that message is all too pleased with it's length right now... the downside of being an extrovert with a ridiculous penchant for producing voluminous amounts of text without thinking is that you often take advantage of people and use them to get your extroverted fix.... not that I even intend to do that, but it happens without my thinking about it...I just get to writing and don't come up for any sort of air or reflection for a few thousand words....and I often have sentences of parenthetical statements embedded in much shorter sentences), so I just kind of exploded into a facebook message. Actually, there were a lot of "too long" things about that... it wasn't just my lack of social interaction leading to it.

Why am I even writing this right now? Let's be honest...if anyone likes to read this, is liking reading this right now, it's just because you're a good friend of mine and are interested in what I'm writing because it's me. There's nothing interesting here and it's just thinly veiled, near-emoesque complaining.

But I'm writing because I feel like I have to...because I don't have any other option to let anything out.

Last year and last semester especially, and really, largely in the last 3 years at Wooster, I would "read" in Common Grounds...not because it was a good place to read....it often wasn't, but no matter who was there, it was a place to talk to people. This often got awesome...this often got drastically unawesome... but it was something to do that was preferable to reading alone...always would be, even when I had to get the reading done by the next day...especially even.

Of course, it is not the exclusive need of an extrovert to have people involved in his or her life, to engage in social activity. But it's a need I feel acutely, and I know being an extrovert has much to do with that.

There must be balance, that's for sure....

And right now, my life is remarkably unbalanced to "space to reflect" side... especially when I'm not that good at "reflection" on my own in the first place.

That's why I have a blog. Not because I have anything important to say a lot of the time, and not because I really care that someone is interested in what I have to say (or feel that they should be...although sometimes I do)... really, I just need a place to talk, to feel like someone is listening....and I can't trick myself into believing that about a word document...or even God really. I have a healthy, oftentimes written (on my part) conversational relationship with God... but I don't feel like it fills the extroversion need.... I wonder if that merits exploration..... if it does, it doesn't tonight...but it probably does, by someone, sometime....maybe me, some day

-Zack

"I'm making plans to be with you, but have they come unglued?"
-Mae

Open

I'm becoming a fan of one word titles again. I always have been, but I'm insisting upon them once more.


I think too abstractly, I think.

When I sat down to think about what to write for this week's weekly post, I thought through my life this past week (well, primarily since Sunday), and I started thinking about how to make it a linguistic lesson about reality.

I think I hide behind abstractualizing my life.

For instance, the post I almost started writing was about the difference between "letting go" and "giving up." But I'm not going to write that. I don't want to turn this into something truthful but ambiguous. It would largely defeat the purpose of why I would even write about phraseology in the first place.

That being said, I'm not sure how to write about what I even mean by all of that, because it's still very ethereal, very epiphanized but not realized here in my mind.

And now I kind of want to explain that...but it's kind of an essay, not a quick explanation.

Okay, I've got to get through all of this, all of these trappings of intellectualism and truth and just lay something bare, for my own sake.

I think I've finally realized how important it is to release things to God....not just saying "I'm not going to worry about it, because I know God's got it under control" but actually giving him control. The thing is, he's going to take and be in control anyway, if you try to live by his will... but there is something to be said of a true mental, emotional, even sometimes physical, release of control. I have been chalking much of my future up to faith recently...it's what happens when you've got to rely on unknown things coming through to move forward in life...but even so, I think I've been having control issues. I always think about what I can do. I want to know the next steps. But I've realized that it's not about next steps that I take. It matters that I take steps in faith, and God will provide. I've actually noticed that with my fund raising. I'll do a lot one day, and none of my work will pay off directly...but it's those days that things happen, even things I don't expect or from people I've struggled or been unable to contact. It's just about faith, it's always been about faith.

And it's not just about fund raising (which is hard to say...you mean there's more to my life right now? yes...there is, there really is). There are other things in my life that I've held onto, things I've tried to control, things I've worried about if I don't do something or make progress. But I realized this week that I've just got to let go of my control of them....and I don't mean giving up. None of this is about giving up. I'm certainly not giving up on fund raising (and I'm not stopping work with it either)... but I'm letting go of thinking I have any control over it. That was a wrong thought from the beginning.

Homecoming is this weekend in Wooster.... I still have a sliver of hope that I can make it. If I do, and it applies to you, I hope to see you there!
-Zack

"Lord please have sympathy
And forgive 'my cool young history'"
-Lupe Fiasco

Pure

Her name was Katie when I knew her. I guess it still is, but she seems to go by Katarina now, and I had forgotten that her full name always was Katarina. When I finally did figure that out, this post started forming, but its taken me nearly two years to write, even though I just started actually writing it moments ago.

It seems people are more who they become when they are younger than I would have ever guessed. Or, at least, trajectories can be set. Or perhaps it's just an elaborate mosaic, slowly becoming my life, and an isolated incident.

I don't even remember what it was back then, but I remember it happened...maybe we were just the same age, in the same place, at the right time in our lives. I don't even know how old I was anymore.... 10 or 11 maybe? That sounds so young...my goodness, I hope my own kids are much older than that, but I know it happened before 1998...so before I was 11. Anyway, what I'm talking about was my very first crush. That was Katie. And it wasn't really just one of those dumb "I can beat you up" crushes.... I might write my total girlfriend history at some point, and that would actually stretch back to 1993, in Kindegarten. But Katie was different than those little things earlier in life. She was the mind-shift that put me on the path that would actually lead to my first girlfriend 5 years later. She was the first girl I legitimately "liked" in an at least similar style as to how I would "like" a girl today.

I think it's safe to say I'm a very different person now, than I was then. That was 11 years ago, almost 12. I'm a very different person than I was 2 years ago, afterall. I'm sure she is too. But our changes seem to have mirrored each other. That's proof for the sovereignty of God that I'm not sure many others will just see....it's one of those things in my life that I'll be able to look to forever and say "God always knew something we didn't, and always does."

No, I don't think I'll ever date Katarina. I'm sure I won't. As interesting a bit of storybook-wonder as that would be, it won't happen.

I found her on facebook almost two years ago. It took her over a year to accept my friend request. I was pretty sure she never would, but eventually, she did.

I know it doesn't mean anything. But it's just strange how similar we've become even though we're so different from how we were then. It makes me wonder what might have happened had we had the chance to really grow up together. Our older sisters are about the same age and they used to be best friends (our parents were good friends too, and our younger brothers...so maybe it just made the most sense). Both of our families were homeschooled back then and we met at church. Eventually, both our families left that church and we stopped hanging out with them. Obviously, because I was 11 and she was 11, nothing was ever official or really admitted from either of us, and we parted from each other as our families parted company via the changes in church attendance.

I wish there was more to this story, but my life isn't quite a movie or even a novel. There is no first kiss story, no first date story... I can't even think of any real time where we did much but argue with each other...because that's what 11 year olds do when they like each other. I like to think that had we been able to make it to 15 and still in contact, I would have had something of a high school sweetheart...I might even be married now. But that's all just a dream that clearly was never meant to happen. Who knows, really, how different my life is as a result..... There's a lot in my life that has changed by things that often don't happen.... who knows how different my life is because I ended up a year ahead in school.... or because my sister didn't realize she wouldn't stay at OSU-ATI for even a full quarter.... but you can't sit around wondering what life would be life if not for this or that....because the life one has is the life he or she is supposed to have, for whatever reason.

It's just interesting that, after all these years Katarina has very much, at least as far as I can tell from facebook, matured into someone, if things fell right, I could actually see myself with.... she's very independent, very literary, has been to europe, and her religious views sound like something I would say. Of course, she lives in New York now and has a boyfriend...it's just interesting to think about, that's all.

*disclaimer: that little list there, "literary, independent, europe, religious views sounding like me" is not a blueprint for the girl I'm looking for.... I don't have one of those, it's just that I know myself and I know the sorts of people I get along with best....and they happen to be post-modern, artistic, and adventurous. (but if I'm just going to be shallow, then I'll just add that freckles don't hurt either) *end of disclaimer

It just makes me wonder how much of who we become is coded in who we always are.... Katarina would be a very good friend now, if she went to Wooster and our paths crossed, I'm sure of it....and I haven't really talked to her for years.....and I'm a very different person now. But God always knew who we would both become.

That just makes me wonder a lot of things actually..... and I don't even know how to articulate it. It just seems that there is something about people, something about souls, that either does or doesn't resonate between them, and it just works or it just doesn't work...and nothing ever changes about that.

This is not to say that people cannot drastically change...because I know they can....I have. But it's interesting to ponder what that means for past, present, and future, when God is guiding you and He always knows the beginning, middle, and end of every story.....and my facebook friendship with Katarina has let me realize and reflect on that. I don't know what I would say, if I ever got a real chance to say anything to her. I sent her a facebook message back when I first requested friendship, but I don't think there's much reason to do that again. Just an artifact of my life at this point, I guess... Her birthday is interesting though.......

But I think I'm out of things to say for now.
-Zack

"Time will turn and tear us apart"
-Anberlin

Wherever you are, wherever you've been

I'm reading the books of Samuel right now. I kind of arbitrarily pick the next Bible book I read, but I at least like to think it's somehow spirit led. It only kind of matters, because I know I'll find something worth knowing at every turn.

Before Israel had a king, they had "judges." That's why we have a Bible book called "Judges." But a judge wasn't a king. He was kind of a prophet with an army.

Really, quite honestly, prior to having Kings, God really was the "King" of Israel. They only did what he told them, or they were punished for it (Judges, the book, is basically about people listening to God and winning or not listening to God and losing... really, I guess that's what the Bible is ultimately about too, in very differing ways as it progresses).

Since I'm reading 1st Samuel right now (I'm about 8 chapters in), I've been thinking about what that sort of set-up would look like in the modern world.

It's kind of frightening...I think I separate the Biblical rule of Israel from modern politics. And I think that's probably a good thing. Just think about it...what if there was, instead of democracy (or even fascist or Socialist totalitarian dictatorships, or juntas, or what have you) we had someone that claimed to be the voice of God leading our countries.

I wouldn't buy it for a second. I guess that's probably why, eventually, Israel wanted a king.

There, of course, are a lot of differences between now and then. For one, Israel had a single religion and were officially God's chosen people back then. They knew, culturally, familially, traditionally, spiritually, and a bunch of other "-ally" ways that someone amongst them was a prophet who would speak when God warranted.

That, and without the blood of Christ and his present and coming Kingdom, there wasn't the separation between Government and God and the overall inclusiveness of the covenant that we have today.

Anyway, it's just an interesting thought...to think that I would probably be one of the unfaithful in Israel back then...at least with my current rationality.

Of course, it is always a huge flaw in any thinking to try to apply your own worldview to an older system.... indeed, it's why many are anti-Bible in the first place, to say nothing of the pretty common (mis)conceptions about medieval or other pre-modern people.

*****

We didn't have internet at our house yesterday, and I realized how much I use it to maintain my sanity. Aside from not really being able to work (which was really kind of nice, but I have a problem with not doing things when I know I ought to...that's how I.S. wasn't really that bad...because it was far worse for me mentally to procrastinate), I realized that I feel very trapped at home much of the time. College definitely spoiled me, by basically always putting me in situations wherein I wasn't alone to at least some extent. Even in other internet free-times of my life, I have been in community, whether it be in China, at SLT, or any other conference. I cannot wait to move and start working on campus...for so many reasons.

****
I'm glad the Office is back on....it makes my Thursdays. Actually, Thursdays are kind of nice, because there's not really a lot for me to do on Fridays...Thursdays are kind of my demi-Friday. I do have stuff to do on Friday...just not as much generally and the week finally wraps up. Working solely at home (aside from FD meetings, which I don't really count as part of my "work day" since most of them aren't during the work day) makes life particularly interesting, because it both never ends and seems to never begin. I do a decent job of structuring my day, but e-mails come in all the time, and phone calls have to happen in the evening. It's just...part of doing what I do, and I think I mostly enjoy it. I'll probably enjoy it more when it's not my parents' house from which I'm working.

****
Books I've recently finished:

Love is an Orientation, Andrew Marin, IVP: A spectacular look at the Christian-GBL dialogue, and how we ought to elevate and change it.

The Dangerous Act of Worship, Mark Labberton, IVP: A spectacular look at what it means to truly worship and live a life driven by worship. It's written by a pastor and even though it seems to try to be geared toward everyone, I think it's best use would be by a pastors looking to revolutionize their church structure and purpose. As such, I especially recommend it for anyone involved in ministry...everyone in general too...but mostly those in ministry.

What I'm reading now:
The Major Plays: Anton Chekhov
The Iceman Cometh: Eugene O'Neill
The Ground Beneath Her Feet: Salman Rushdie
The Land: Mildred Taylor
War and Peace: Count Leo Tolstoy
Ordering Your Private World: Gordon McDonald
For Christ and the University: Keith and Gladys Hunt.

I'm reading two of those for InterVarsity training...guess which two!
My favorite of the bunch is The Ground Beneath her Feet... probably because Rushdie is my favorite author out of almost any bunch.

****

I'm watching the third season of Heroes right now; trying to finish before the new season starts Monday. I don't know if there is a single original idea in the entire series...it's basically an amalgamation of Watchmen, X-men, and, to a lesser extent, even Spider-man and Captain America. But it does it all well....very well. Even though there's only one character I truly loved (and she came and went all within the third season, even though I've not even finished it yet), the other characters are good enough and interesting enough that I want to find out what happens....and it's among the boldest and best-shot things you'll ever see on T.V., most especially network T.V., and of that, even NBC. Speaking of T.V., I'm hugely excited that the Office and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are back. They make Thursday so good....well, last night at least. Community, the new show after the office, is pretty good too... it's a good filler before changing to FX at ten for Always Sunny. Speaking of things on at 10, as much as the world seems to love Jay Leno's new show, I kind of hate that it exists. Aside from never being a fan of Leno and being very happy that Conan now fills an earlier and better timeslot, I just think calling it quits to keep doing the same thing everyday is a dumb career move and a sad excuse for NBC not having enough material to fill their timeslots. Do they even realize that between 10 p.m. and 1:30 A.m. they have three hours of the same format of show? And the half hour in there is the always bad local news? Oh well. In general, I care (and basically exclusively watch) about NBC far too much. Back when we lived on a farm, we only got NBC, Fox, and PBS...so of the standard networks, NBC became what I know and, essentially, what I stick with through good and bad, even though I don't have to do that anymore.
****

I think I've just run the gamut of things from my life I can possibly talk about without talking about sports. My sports thought for the moment? Delonte, I thought you were my boy.

Oh, I didn't say anything about music. Here, listen to the music here: www.myspace.com/mae....it's a whole CD, and it's my current album of the year.

Have a good weekend.
-Zack

"But all you need is faith
And hope will bring the brighter day"
-Mae

UnSabbath Ponderings pt. 1 (hopefully the only edition ever): Our Eternal Moments

This weekend....

My goodness. I guess, right now, I feel alright. The Packers won. If that's the beginning of a great season (and here's to hoping it is), then I'll look back on it especially joyfully. How though, can I look back on this weekend as much more than something of a train wreck? I don't know...I don't know.

I don't know where to start either. My goodness.

I LOVED hearing "Wha' do ya know?" from the College of Wooster yesterday. Best start to a weekend Saturday all summer (well, maybe it isn't summer now...since graduation then), not counting the two wedding Saturdays...well, those began strangely, but it's more fun to be with friends than to miss them because you remember them from the topic of conversation on a radio show... Anyway. Even after that, when I watched like, 11 hours of football...things were mostly good. I guess watching 11 hours of football can leave a bit to be desired when it comes to having a "fulfilling day," but frankly, I didn't care, because it was a day I had been waiting for for an ENTIRE year. Like, really.... that was among the most anticipated college football days of my life. Then it ended poorly. SO poorly. I would have traded the Michigan win (I did like it. Til they meet, I always want Ohio State and Michigan to be undefeated) for an Ohio State win in a second (sorry Ben and Emily...even though I doubt you read this...). I'm not going to talk about it though. I just wasted a saturday. Like, all of it. Frankly, if it weren't for getting pumped, I wouldn't have cared to watch the other games. Then I got pumped for nothing....and when the game was at its most tense, my mom came in and started asking banal questions about football.... It ruined my grief, even. I shouldn't even say grief. I am sick of caring that much about football...but I'm sick of caring that much about a lot of things in my life.

And my funding even got awesome on Friday. Well, just swiftly much better. There's still a long way to go.

Anyway, Saturday was a dud. A total dud of a day...and that's putting it terribly lightly.

I don't have anything to say about Friday....I don't have friends around here anymore, so I don't do anything with anyone. I watched Heroes...I'm trying to finish the third season before the fourth starts.... As much as I like the show (though the first season was far too unsustainably good...), it's hard to not be with people on Friday nights...it just will be. I don't know if I'll get used to spending Friday nights alone.... Oh, and in case you're following me, I didn't go to Wooster on Friday....I should have seen that as a bad omen, perhaps....but I don't believe in omens.

Anyway, cut to today.

Strange, strange day. Really, not good. Really, just.....dumb. Bad. But, I don't know. I don't feel like I've had a terrible day. It was circumstantially bad, I guess. Or just....the exact opposite of how I would EVER choose to spend a Sunday.

I spoke at a church today...it went alright, from my part. I probably had too high of hopes...it's the church my family, as a whole, is the most tied to....my parents met there, my grand parents and aunt still go there, one of my other aunts is the daughter of a former minister. But missional is probably the last adjective of the entire lexicon you'd use to describe them. I'm not sure what to say otherwise. It's mostly a let down because I feel like dying after a church presentation...I don't know why, but I feel like sharing, even for a couple of minutes, is the most nerve-racking experience I've ever done...it's worse than Moot Court in a lot of ways...I think it's because I have no idea how I'm being received, and I'm never quite sure what the church thinks about missions, domestic missions, giving money at all, asking for money...really, the list is endless, and, just for an example, I've spoken in two Methodist Churches so far, and the receptions have been the direct opposite of each other....so I can't even count on denomination. Really, it's the pastor that's the best gauge...but even then, and, I want to feel this way about today, sometimes the church isn't on board with him all the time....especially with giving, because a pastor's salary depends on generosity too...so as long as I'm not viewed competition for the offering, the pastor can be very onboard and the people very disinterested.

Anyway, I don't want to libel a church that has meant so much to my family...indeed, I was baptized as a baby in that church....even though I'm not so sure how much I count that personally, since I'm kind of a mennonite now, and anabaptist means not-baby....

I don't even know what to say about my day after church. I didn't come home til 5:45 because my mom had to visit one of her best friends (and a front-runner for my entirely fictitious "least favorite person on the planet prize" ) for about 4 hours...when I finally got home, I had to be half an hour away from my house at 6....so I was late.

I'm not going to say much about that engagement at six, except that I felt really old and really out of place... it wasn't what it was supposed to be in a lot of ways, but I probably didn't expect the right thing either. It was to be a "young adults meeting" for a church I used to go to...well, no one else showed up...it was at the home of some prominent parents of prominent young adults at the church (of whom i'm at lest still kind of friends). It was good to see them again, but I felt like I was kind of sitting in on a Sunday night at their house...not quite what I was going for when I went. To ice that cake, I was, at one point in time, the 7th wheel...is that even possible? I don't know, and it probably wasn't an issue....but I noticed it, and I was slightly sad, as I sat amongst three couples. It's not fun, being single after college. I don't know...it just...wasn't the relaxing thing I needed...all day wasn't, after the church experience. I felt introverted, after the speaking bit...and I think that's because I needed to be very extroverted in the right setting....right now, that means talking to a good friend or writing...and I couldn't do either, til right now.....so kind of getting lost on my way to a meeting that was the exact opposite of what I expected, then it being what is forever going to be one of my least favorite situations (the only single guy amongst couples....but don't worry Wooster friends...we were close enough that it didn't matter, and I hope you all knew that without me even saying that...star trek, killer bunnies, nights at common grounds...it almost never mattered that it was 2 couples and me a lot of the time...especially when Liam (and RON PAUL!) showed up...oh, the good old times, and I mean that whole heartedly) was the last thing I needed today. I really can't even describe why it wasn't great this evening...it was even fun a lot of the time...but being on the go in fairly undesirable circumstances for over 12 hours...it just wasn't at all the best thing for me...and I feel selfish writing that...but it's so much the truth.

And there is a lot of personal stuff going on. Personal stuff I wouldn't mind sharing, but probably shouldn't because it's just not all about me....as much as I wish it was.

Anyway....I'm glad the Packers won.

I'm tired of being a Kanye apologist...I don't have to be, I know, but he's ridiculously misunderstood, and it's hard to stop respecting someone with that much heart...even if he has as big a deficit of tact and class as he has a heart....and it doesn't help that I basically agree with what he says when he acts ridiculous...

My grandma called me a good democrat around my dad today. That was awkward for many reasons...1. We don't see those grand parents very often because of politics 2. My immediate family is always a couple missteps on my part from kicking me out of the house because I'm not a republican 3. No matter what I think about anything, I'm not a democrat because I don't willfully identify with political parties....no matter how liberal or conservative I am or get, I doubt I'll ever drop the tenet from my beliefs that the two party system is flawed and, in general, political parties do more harm than good. 4. Grandma, don't say things like that...please. It's true, we agree on a lot more things than my parents and I do right now... but it's just not helpful.....


But I'm doing alright right now...even if that's just because the Packers won. I also feel like I'm on the verge of tears because it has been a very emotionally destabilizing weekend....no single events were huge...but it's just been a lot of things I didn't want to see happen....a lot a lot a lot.

Here I am though. Tomorrow is a new day. It's a new day for new funds to come in, it's a new day to praise the Lord, it's a new day to see love grow...it's a new day to start a new week for the Buckeyes....its a new day after a not so great, sometimes terrible weekend that was robbed of all the sabbath activity to which I've grown accustomed. But it is a new day and a new week.
Praise be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. For newness and renewal....and for sustenance when I've never been so close to everything going wrong at once.

He is still Lord of all. And I mean all.

May He bless you. I know, from Friday, yesterday, and today, that His love and peace really do transcend all of our circumstances....and they always will.

Oh, and I think I figured out where I want to go on my eventual honeymoon: Japan. That means a lot of things if it happens: A. I didn't stay single forever B. I actually had the courage to get engaged C. I made it to the Wedding! D. I'm either old or marrying someone rich/with a good job to afford a honeymoon like that E. I'm probably insane considering the chance of me ever marrying anyone I even KNOW right now is probably quite slim. Anyway...that was and still is a strangely inspiring thing from the weekend....weird enough as it is.

Have a beautiful Monday.....I've never looked forward to a Monday more.

-Zack
"When all else fades my soul will dance with you"
-Hillsong United

Hello All the Time

Even though I'm not in school, it does seem that the weeks are going faster and faster these days. Maybe it's just the fall. I don't know. I'm sure they would be going faster if I were back in Wooster right now. But they're certainly going faster than they were in July. Maybe, as the year goes on, weeks seem to pass faster. I think that's how time works in general; it feels shorter and shorter the more you live.

I'm going to Wooster tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it for a lot of reasons. I'm getting a car, for one. That's very exciting. In addition, I've not been there since graduation...well, not since school started. I was in Wooster for a wedding in June, but that's very different than being there while school is in session.

I don't really know what I'm going to do while I'm there but pick up the car...I'll probably at least wander around campus for awhile...I'm looking forward to seeing it at least.

It's a little weird, because I do have friends left...but they are many and varied, and it's a Friday afternoon...I'm not ever sure how to go about making plans for it, and I doubt I could spend time with everyone, or even feel very satisfied about that time, any way you cut it. But I'll figure something out...it'll be good to be back, even if just for a little while....and it will be good to have a car, that's for sure. I'm actually slightly surprised that I've made it this long in my life without a car, living in places with no legitimate public transportation my whole life thus far. (and farther...)

I have decided, fairly unequivocally, that, as we can imagine it, the perfect post-modern novel is going to be a set of short stories that at least sound like a memoir (no matter what actually takes place...). The fragmentation of the format coupled with the individuality of a memoir, are at least in format, the most post-modern thing I can come up with because the traditional unity of a "novel" is gone. There is, of course, the existence of Finnegan's Wake which will always complicate things, but as much as that is the first instance of post-modernism (and I think I generally give it more credit than most...but I'm also the only person I've ever met that has read the whole thing), and as much as unity and center are very much non-existent, there is a way in which the book becomes its own center, which, while post-modern to an extent, is not other-centered enough to be truly post-modern. The great (largely evangelical, unfortunately) fallacy about the post-modern ideology is that it means all truth is destroyed and anything that makes any sense or has any foundation is wrong....but that's simply not the case....it's really an examination of how we determine our truths and discovering that largely, we do it looking at ourselves and our circumstances. I must admit that, as a Christian, my post-modernism is different in that I believe in God's divine orchestration behind it all and Him as the only center...not everyone is going to look at it that way and not everyone is going to call that post-modern. But my point is, in all this, is that post-modernism is at its truly most useful when it realizes, gives agency to, and validates the things that are not the personal individual. Thus, a series of self-contained short stories that tie into each other, admittedly coming from a view point that sees itself as a view point and nothing more, would be the final form of the "post-modern novel." I could be wrong, but when I say final form, it's because eventually, post-modernity is going to make terms like "novel, poem, prose, article, essay" disappear because they are necessarily limiting and imply a terrible form of unity. One of my more legitimate English major pals at Wooster did his Jr. I.S. on the existence of prose poetry. I don't know what he determined, but I believe the possibility of prose poetry is the literary sign-post of post-modernity truly taking over....prose-poetry is a logical and linguistic fallacy....but at some point, we'll all realize that deep down, logic and linguistics were the real fallacy all along.

I'm not sure why I go on those rants...especially when they're specifically literature driven....and every time I'm down with one, I wonder, for even just a minute, if I'm not wasting part of myself by not pursuing literature further....who knows, maybe someday. I don't know why I would get two masters degrees, but I don't know how I could choose one in literature without one in film.....but right now, and for the foreseeable future, that's a part of me but it's largely a part of my past because I'm in ministry now.

But I don't imagine I'll stop enjoying literary discourse anytime soon.

The book of Jonah ends spectacularly....with a question. In the tNIV, it's "and the many animals?" which is amusing...but aside from that, what's important is that, even though it's 4 chapters long, we see so much of God's heart in that slight book. Jonah is apparently devoted to God enough that he could be a prophet...but God basically tells him "I will look out for you, but who are you to question me? All these people you think are so evil, and really, trust me, they were more evil than even you knew, well, I love them a lot too. Indeed, there are a lot of them, and you know what, I don't just care about them, I even care about their animals. Sure, you're my servant, and that's great and all, but do I not have to right to love everyone as you already claim I do?"

Isn't that what so many Christian already do? Muslims...gays and lesbians...abortion doctors...those are kind of the big three, but I'm sure there are more...it's like the modern day Ninevah for the collective Jonah of American Christianity....how much do we really want to see God work in their lives? It's too common...indeed, it's about the only thing I ever see, that there is much condemnation without forgiveness. We see from Jonah, even when Jonah was sent to warn the people that God was going to destroy them (which is something we are NOT called to do as Christians...), that God's forgiveness will always trump God's wrath.

I can't claim to have all the answers, and I'm not saying sin is at all okay....but I am saying that God's heart is more than big enough for everyone...and that includes those we think without hope the most. But the truth is, I'm just as bad as the most Christian-hating, plane hijacking, mountain-hiding Islamic "terrorist," save for the redemptive blood of Christ. Maybe it's a buzz-phrase to say things like that....to say that we're all equally terrible but for Christ...I certainly hear it a lot. But it actually is the truth.....but it's the truth in negative terms. In positive terms? That same person, described above, has just as much hope (perhaps more) in Christ as I do.

Have a great weekend. I know I plan to do the same.
-Zack

"The rhythm is the message"
-Flobots

The things you share with people when you're uncool...

I watched Almost Famous last night...and it's incredible. I can't believe I got through college with only barely ever hearing about it...but it's amazing. I got it from the library...I might watch in again before I return it on Saturday.

So...that's a movie recommendation. See Almost Famous. It's great. And it's got the guy from saved (Patrick Fugit).

Sunday, I read all of the auxilary Harry Potter books...they're short, and quite fun. That's a recommendation too...if you're at all into Harry Potter (and I think you should be...)

I am so happy College Football is back....I don't know if I've ever been this happy about it, at least in the last four years, and probably in my life. For the last 8 years, it meant football season started for band...which was always fine, but it always spread out my football-interests and shaded the season to be something else in my life (that and it meant school was back)...but now, I'm super excited about football again, and even more excited about school being back. Even if I'm not on campus yet, once I am, school being in session, from semester to semester and (Lord willing) year to year, will always be exciting and exhilirating...probably exhausting too, indeed, I know it will be....but it's always going to be incredible!

Hard, too though, I'm sure.

On multiple occasions this summer, praying in decided earnest has rendered real results...specifically, praying specifically, in earnest, decidedly. Two, specific occasions: 1. while my dad was still looking for a job, in late July, I decided I would pray specifically, every night, that he would find a job the next day. The very next day, he got an interview..for nearly two weeks, he either had an interview or got an interview set up every single day. The third week, nothing seemed to be happening, but then, on that Friday, he got a job. That may not sound like much, but before my prayers took that form, he was getting maybe one or two calls a week and had had like, 3 interviews in four months.

More recently (like Wednesday) I came to the conclusion that even more than my funding, I needed my own car...that way, I could really get going with my life....praying specifically that God would provide a car, tonight, I'm well on my way to getting a car. Sure, it's not like a miraculous free car or something...but it's something I can afford right now (sorta free til the end of the year...)...and I know God provided that.

Maybe you could call it all coincidence. But I don't.

Anyway, pray specifically, in earnest.

That being said, there are still a lot of things in my life that I have been praying for specifically for a very long time...and patience is still a huge part of it. God's timing isn't going to be superceded by your decision to care more about your prayers and be specific.

And sometimes, God's answers won't be what you want...or expect.

-Zack

"Finally over, just get over- time will tell if all turns out okay"
-Anberlin

The Way Things Look from Here...

Congratulations if you visited this site before anything was written in this post and you saw a messed up version of the title...my finger slipped while writing it and it was posted well before it ought to have been. If you did happen to see this page in that state, I'm impressed by your happenstantial timeliness is checking for updates. I don't know if happenstantial is a word or not, and if it is, if I spell it correctly...but if it's not a word, it might be the "not a word" I use the most, not including things with "ness" and "ish" attached, because I am a firm believer that while they may not be "accepted" in our lexicon, they are, indeed, real forms of each and every word, whether it is acknowledged by everyone or not....

Communism, I do believe, is a more Christian way to organize a government than neo-conservatism, because last I checked, Jesus would rather everyone share all their stuff than go to war, mercilessly deny basic human rights, and call the impoverished "lazy." I am on the borderline of calling that incontrovertible Biblical truth, but I won't for now, because "more" and "less" are far too subjective....and I used "more" to start that little principled rant.

I love Earl Grey tea....about a year ago, maybe a little more than that, I couldn't stand it...I'm not sure what happened, but I'm quite the fan now...it's especially good if it's a blend with a good bit of lemon flavor somehow included.

Yes, I just flipped from controversial political positing to talking about tea.

But tea and communism have a lot to do with each other, actually. I'm not going to go into that, but think about it, especially if you take into account the little-known but very real communist under-growth of the early Indian government following Britain's dispossession of the country.

It's been a strange week for a lot of reasons. I'm feeling (I think) far too optimistic about my funding situation right now...I haven't seen any real progress this week...like, at all. Well, kind of technically, but nothing "countable" yet...and yet, I'm feeling okay about it all. I sincerely hope that's a sign that God is granting me peace about it all and not a totally false sense of security. I think it's better to err on the side of optimism about it no matter what's going on... God is going to provide, no matter what...and as long as I keep up my end, doing the work to give people and opportunity to give, He will be faithful. I may never "hold up my end" perfectly, but I do what I can, and I get better at it, as time goes on...and this is just the beginning of a long journey, because no matter how long I'm on staff with InterVarsity, it will probably be a long time before I'm done with the missionary life for good...Indeed, I will either retire from "the field" to retire for good, or retire to pastor a church or something....but that's a long way away, with only the potential couple years I might spend in seminary as a reprieve from this all..... Thinking about it long-term like that makes it seem not so bad...I'm at 19% of my first year's budget, but that's 19% from relationships I'm still building, still establishing...networking that could and will expand over the years. It should be higher...but it will grow, I am sure, in time. Certainly, s more and more of my friends graduate and go on to lucrative careers, I could probably flip from poorly funded to over-funded quickly....there's really no such thing as "over-funding" though, because overages either go to other staff that need the help or go into an "escrow" account for potentially not-so-good fundraising days. Well, that's how InterVarsity works...I have no idea what it will be like when and if I'm ever not with InterVarsity....either way, it's not a prospective life I'm all that worried about right now. I do wish I could be on campus right now though...I'm sure god is doing great things that I'm not a part of yet...but I know it will come in time.

I decided yesterday that "liminal day" is a better day for Wednesday than "hump day." If you follow me on twitter (which I kind of doubt...but it's www.twitter.com/dulacian), you already know that. It just makes sense...it's between the two sides of the week, and at colleges, it's the party day before the weekend arrives...I was never much for Wooster Wednesdays, but in any event, there is a certain liminality to that whole concept. Actually, I think we've always thought of Wednesday as liminal but we've rarely said it, as a culture. Well, I'm saying it. Not that it really matters....it's just the nickname for a day of the week.

Today marks six months since I turned in my I.S....#28. I remember that day super, super, super well. Aside from turning in my I.S., it was also the day before I left for Spring Break, which I did 3 days early to visit Hillsdale before returning for the Urban Plunge...the second best of my three plunge experiences....it was great, but nothing could ever top that first year. But I digress...it's incredible, unbelievable, astounding, that it's already been six months. For as long as I.S. haunts the experience of a Wooster student (nearly 4 years...) it's hard to believe that I haven't had to worry about it for so long already. I must admit, I don't think about it much anymore, aside from when I'm watching a Coen Brother movie...which isn't often, and I even sold all but three of them earlier this summer. I.S. is a good experience that can, at least, as it did for me, be pretty empty by the time it's over. It feels like an accomplishment, and indeed it is, but what good does a 100 page analysis of 7 Coen Brother films do for the world? Very little. Indeed, it does very little for the world of Coen Brother analysis...which, ultimately, I left unengaged to the point of costing me Honors. I don't care though...really, when it comes to the last 3 years of my academic life, I didn't care about anything expect enjoying myself and passing...which I did easily on all counts. You really do get derivative returns from effort when it comes to education. I learned a lot, mostly how to think about things from multiple angles and how to love people a whole lot more while in college...but only part of that had anything to do with classes...the college experience, while perhaps engaged in to become academically distinguished, is ultimately more valuable in the life experience that goes alongside it.... If one could take all of my classes at Wooster without living anywhere but their own home, eating all their own meals in that home, not only would I feel like I have a better education, but I think it would be fundamentally different. Classes are part of college, but just a part....and it's not even about the social things you miss (although those do matter)...it's about the new world every single college student is forced to navigate....together. Certainly there is academic value in classes, and commuting does make sense for many people...but there is a lot to be gained from not commuting, and there is a lot to be gained, indeed, just from the action of choosing not to commute, or not to live off campus. So...that's what I.S. means to me, six months since; I think many of the lessons I learned in I.S. had less to do with research, writing, and film, and much more to do with endurance, spiritual sustenance, and my own ability to work through pressure, stress, and things I just don't want to do sometimes.

A lot happened that day that wasn't I.S. too.....I went to Streetsboro to help Mark Hayward find a car (didn't work out...)...I was a total (but unintentional) jerk to my roommate because I spent three hours talking to someone when I thought it was going to "end anytime now" half an hour in, and I enjoyed a sense of relief I might never feel again...but I'm okay with that for the time being....and Eric Chen visited Wooster. That's pretty cool.

-Zack

"Just like the sun, but more like the moon"
-Mae

This summer, I have been far too obsessed with the light to realize the darkness one must traverse to reach it.

-Zack

"Is this the chance when we fly away, cause I need to know if I'm coming back"
-Mae

Art Coma...

I stayed up til 3 a.m. yesterday, reading...actually, I think I probably spent like, ten hours reading yesterday...maybe not that much, but I read around 500 pages..and finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It really did confirm everything I said about it on Monday; it's the Chronicles of Narnia for me of now...indeed, I am sure I have not felt those sort of emotions since I finished The Last Battle (a long, long time ago). I can't really blame people that haven't read the books; like Narnia (this is a paraphrase from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe), if you have not been there, we cannot expect you to believe or know what it's all about...that's also an analogy for the Kingdom of God, but aside from that, while I think everyone should read Harry Potter, if they haven't, I don't expect them to want to by any measure. But I cannot understand, for the life of me, how someone could start and never finish...it's not really a matter of taste, to be quite honest...it's a matter of humanity....but so is the fact that I don't understand things about other people....indeed, that's always been one of the largest breaks between me and most of my family....well, all of my immediate family...the way they flippantly talk about, dismiss, and disregard even the greatest pieces of cultural significance is absolutely irksome to me...it cuts right to the core of what I am. I know I can be overly emotional, especially for a guy, and that's certainly got a lot to do with it, but I do attach a lot of meaning and value to great characters and great stories...it's just who I am...and in Harry Potter, lies the greatest of both realms. There's probably something about God in all of that, but I'm not sure what right now.

How I'm feeling right now is a feeling I encounter rarely but it's not at all unfamiliar...it's a sort of all-consuming, overwhelming catharsis mingled with joy. I kind of think it's the feeling of seeing your only daughter get married, or something like that...but obviously, I've no way to know....and I know it's tied into the end of the Harry Potter saga. Part of me doesn't want to admit it's over, but I'm glad it is and I'm glad it ended as it did....indeed, much like The Chronicles of Narnia, it ended on a train out of London bound for a magical world...which, in the case of Harry Potter, is much how it began too...in fact, you cold probably say that, essentially, that's how The Chronicles of Narnia began too (though you don't really see that in the book). But that's an aside...what I'm trying to say is that something happens to me, something, not altogether nice-feeling, but definitely good after the end of things like Harry Potter (or Kingdom Hearts, or the Last Battle, or Futurama, or Wuthering Heights, or Dancer in the Dark, or The Once and Future King...the list is long and varied)...Practically, it means I'm much more present here than I have been in months, because suddenly, I don't have the constant wondering of what comes next to distract me...indeed, I'm sure I'll be much more productive now. That being said, I'm not at all very mentally present today...the weight of a large epiphanisation, in Joyce's terms, rests upon me today. I know though, from experience, that the personal meaning I'll be able to glean could be years, even decades off...indeed, I'm still experiencing Narnia shockwaves today...mostly because of the name Lucy, but that's a story for next Thursday, perhaps. I'm not quite sure how to describe it...as I'm trying to relate how I relate to art (specifically of the literary sort, which even story-driven video games can be considered), which isn't easy in its own rite, I'm also trying to figure out how to show what that means to me as a unique person, a distinct soul....I feel like I'm failing, but that's unimportant. All it comes down to is that I'm a different, better, but altogether more like the me I was supposed to be, person now...and that really did happen through the experience of seven books by J.K. Rowling. I don't think it's the same for everyone...I'm sure it's not. But that's how it is for me...I better understand, today, Stephen Dedalus' attempt to understand the world through art....but I find the fatal flaw; he was (like his creator, like me until basically right now) obsessed with the aesthetics of it all....Harry Potter would be very much below him...but it's not about the aesthetics, not at all...those are quantifiable, studiable, gradeable...but that's exactly the problem. He speaks of epiphanies and he speaks of universals due to aesthetics..but the problem is the reliance of the universal. Perhaps aesthetics are universal, and the epiphanies from them...but even so, as such, they are shallow, empty epiphanies (much like how I'm ultimately dissatisfied with my I.S.....) True epiphany gains power because of a resonance in a work of art with the readers soul...there is something there for them, especially for them, and it comes from all of it, the combination of it all...it is in the characters...who they are, how they act...in the events, in that world...there's a resonance there, and that's where the true epiphany lies. The result is a realization, on the part of the reader, of more and more of his or her self that has always existed and is yet being discovered in step with God's plan. That is true epiphany and that is the true service of the arts....ultimately, it is why as boring as it can seem (and I really do mean that...it's true) The Bible is the engaging life-blood that it is...it might not be able to hold an attention span all that well much of the time, but the words of the Lord are naturally existent for the epiphanisation into the lives of the hearers and readers, and therefore, nothing else matters.

Alright...that's probably enough about all that for now....

I'm in the midst of another week with little to no Fund raising progress....actually, as of right now, my percent moved down thanks to a misunderstanding, on my part, of an undecided monthly gift...basically, what I thought was a decision was really just the first installment of many monthly gifts that can vary, month to month. Ultimately, it cold catch up with itself...but right now, it means I lost a percent. My prayer request, and you can join in, is that I regain that percent, and perhaps another, by tomorrow afternoon.

I must admit, it was a little weird and almost surprising, to wake up this morning and not have anymore Harry Potter to read...it's all kind of a dreamish blur now and part of me does wish I had awoke to an eighth book. But in any event, it has been a glorious summer, and it's a summer I will always remember as tied in with that book series....it wasn't long into the summer that I visited a thrift store with two guys I'm not really friends with anymore, and saw that the Chamber of Secrets was there...unfortunately, I didn't have the money on me to buy it. But I returned with my parents shortly after that, and did..I remember walking to the stores around town to see if they had the Prisoner of Azkaban before I had the ability to get to the library....I remember when all but one copy of The goblet of Fire was checked out, and it was some random, only-one-in-the-series-in-the-young-adult-book-section copy. I still don't know why they have one copy of one Harry Potter book in the Young Adult section...but it was exactly what I needed then.....I remember a long, probably alienating and overall ridiculously fannish conversation about Harry Potter with another IVCF staffmember at the regional staff conference....it definitely validated my feelings toward reading "kids books" all summer. And, as of right now, I mostly remember my life since Sunday...where, for 4 days, I did little but read...and have rarely been so satisfied in two books.

Okay, this post is too long and mostly useless for others to read...but I definitely had to write it.
-Zack

"What do I do with a love that won't sit still?"
-Vienna Teng

Echoing the White Rabbit...

By my own standards, this is late...there are a lot of reasons for that, coming each successive day I haven't done it and starting Thursday...I don't really know why I didn't update Thursday...I was putting it off all day, then had to go to bed because I had to get up at 6:30 on Friday...at that point, I had planned to do it when I got home Saturday night...but then I didn't get home until about midnight...and didn't want to do it then. I've no terribly legitimate reason to have not done it Sunday or yesterday...my best reason probably has to do with Harry Potter...I read the last 300 pages of book 6 Sunday and I've been reading as much of book 7 as I can as often as I can ever since....it's bittersweet though, because I must admit, I don't want it to end.

I'm not sure what to say about Harry Potter, but I think I have much to say. I must admit that I don't think I was ever wrong about the books. They aren't written too terribly well; indeed, I could probably, in the technical sense, write circles around Rowling, and that's saying something because I'm not a great fiction writer at all. But when it comes to making a story, I do think Rowling may be the best, most creative novelist we've ever seen...the only exception might be C.S. Lewis for Narnia...but there's something more impressive, something more addictive, something more, well, magical about Harry Potter. That being said, I might replace Harry Potter with The Chronicles of Narnia just to see...it feels like blasphemy, and Lewis could write circles around just about anyone...but there's just something about Harry Potter and it is wonderful; indeed, it is perfect. 7 books and 7 movies seem far too short...and it's not like it's 7 short books and 7 short movies...I know it can't go on forever, but I'm not sure I'll ever be totally satisfied in that....if only the Wheel of Time or Dark Tower series were Harry Potter...as far as I can tell, those will go on forever. That being said, I've quite the penchant for identifying with the characters in Harry Potter, and I'm not sure I would want that to happen to them...even so, no matter what happens in the end, I will at least be sad that it is the end..... If absolutely nothing else, I have not felt this way about a book, much less a series of books, since I read the Chronicles of Narnia when I was very, very very young....it's a sort of magic I've been looking to recapture; indeed, perhaps even spending thousands of dollars on a college education in the subject, to try to recapture...and there it was, the whole time, being insulted, snapped at, tossed about like trash by me the whole time....I didn't want to admit that everyone was right about books....Maybe though, without that education, I wouldn't have broken down and given Harry Potter a try...so it really did take all that time and money to get me here.

One interesting thing too, although probably not too important, is that the last book came out while I was in China...that's kind of significant to me for no real reason.

I'm not really sure what to talk about now. I've had all sorts of things slide through my mind over the past few days while I've been putting this off...but even so, nothing is coming to mind right now.

I think the best movie I've seen in a theatre this year, so far, was yesterday: Inglorious Basterds. Even though I've studied him extensively, I think the same things stick out in my mind about Tarantino, and his reputation still precedes him. Let's just say, IB was far from the movie I expected, knowing the premise...that being said, it was exactly what I would expect from Tarantino, when I think about what his movies are actually saying.

Yes, it's violent...very much so....as always, overly so. But, as always, no matter the attention payed to the debased, Tarantino has the control over his films (really, control that only Hitchcock, Antonioni, and Fellini have exhibited) such that the bad guys, even if they win, never win. There's a screaming social commentary that we, as Americans, are far too fast to forget the humanity of all humans...even Nazis. Even in doing so, the actions and tenets of Nazism are not held to any level of regard...and, even in what, to the untrained eye, would look like a glorification of ultraviolence, what really happens is an absolute and utter example of the inhumanity of war...all war. I don't know if Tarantino is a pacifist...indeed, that would probably be ironic...but in using WWII, the most common argument against pacifism, Tarantino performs to ultimate post-modern coup de grace in showing us that even a war that seems justifiable is ultimately a picture of inhumanity even on the side of the "good guys." But he doesn't say that. He doesn't have to. Film is powerful because it doesn't ask you directly to do or think anything...but even so, it makes you think about something.....and, because it's tarantino, it's beautiful, horrific, and hilarious all at once. I do recommend it, but I fear many self proclaimed "Tarantino fans" will dislike it and miss the point by quite a bit.

Patriots-Packers is my Superbowl pick.

I always pick the Packers....

Fund raising isn't going as slowly as I thought it was...by that I just mean that I'm not in a position much different from many others....that's strangely reassuring. Actually, the biggest thing right now is how small my average gift is...I've got a lot of donors...but the gifts are small. I'm kind of okay with that...I've kind of always thought and I think said, a couple of times, that I want to "Obama" it...meaning like, a lot of small gifts instead of a few big ones...the problem being, with my current average gift, I need like, 200 donors...and that's ten times the amount I've got right not. I've got the contacts...they just haven't had the will or the ability quite yet. I do have faith I'll get there...most certainly. God's a great provider like that.

-Zack

"Where you're headed to we don't have to guess"
-Mae

Goodnight and Go....

To be honest, I've only kind of lamented the fact that I'm not going back to Wooster this fall. Let's be honest...it's awesome, not having I.S. staring me down all of the time, and it's awesome, not having classes, homework, and papers.

But then I realized, mostly from facebook statuses, that right now, like, tonight, the first night of bandcamp, and the coming week, is about the best week ever at the College of Wooster. Being free from class but on campus..it's just wonderful. And it's so nice to get back after a long or boring or busy or hard summer. I've had all of those...heck, I've had all of those this summer...but I don't get that fresh beginning this time. I remember those feelings...the newness of a new room, the optimism of new classes, the excitement of NSO...I definitely miss them. Okay, so NSO, while it may or may not come into my life this year, definitely isn't leaving my life permanently...even so, right now, at this moment...I just miss that hopefulness.

On the whole, I only kind of miss Wooster, and I know I'll never miss the work. But I'll always miss things like those first couple of packed out nights at Common Grounds, and I'll miss the feelings of community, both small and campus wide. I'm sure other forms of community await me...I'm sure my life is not just going to go downhill from here...but even so, I'll always remember those times fondly. I don't know if it was Wooster or just college, but I never thought I could love a place for all it is as much as I love and miss Wooster right now...but I'm glad I miss it, because for a long time, I wasn't sure I would miss anything but the people. I think I miss the people most, definitely, but I'm glad I get to miss to place too, and I cannot wait to visit.

I was about to start ranking my four years in college, from worst to best or vice versa...but then I realized I couldn't do that. Maybe I will be able to someday, but right now, I just can't distill them down enough.

Freshman year was great because it was a time for new things...but it was hard a lot too, in the newness. I never quite regained the sort of friends I had the beginning of that year, but thankfully, I never had to lose friends quite like I did by the end again either.

Sophomore year was interesting...it was good, it was I.S. free, and it was the best of my two common grounds years, I think (it's so much better, not living in Gable...and when the guys specifically don't live in Gable). First semester was at times brililant and at times impossible...I had a very exciting, very short-lived, and probably very wrong relationship to start it off...then started falling into the longest relationship of my life by the end of it, but the fact that she, Meg, didn't go to Wooster, probably made Sophomore year, specifically second semester, one of the hardest spans of time in my life. But it was the "InterVarsity Year" if there ever was one.... Fall Conference, Urbana, MAC, Urban Plunge, China....very full, and ultimately, very awesome. Second semester also featured one of my least favorite classes ever...Chaucer...which would have been amazing if my advisor hadn't been on sabbatical that year...it was the semester that I started studying film though, and that proved to be humongous in my life...and I took one of my favorite classes ever: The Ancient Novel...well, and I guess Comparative Film was my favorite class ever...so that could have been the best semester as far as classes go...even though Chaucer was so bad.

Coming off of China made junior year weird...it wasn't bad, and I had the best roommate I would ever have in college, but even so, the year was strange. Living in Common Grounds got old (although, looking back, I do think I wish I had stuck out for the third year), but it really wasn't bad. French Film was incredible....it was the year of It Could Be U though...and, while that was good, it was hard and I might still be a little exhausted from it all (kidding, I think). I think my relationship with Meg met its apex when I left for China and she went to SLT, so I think there was an added and unnamed stress about the year that I did not want to acknowledge. I honestly don't remember junior year all that well, as a year...but it was a good year...Junior I.S. was far easier than it should have been I think.

Senior year was good...because it was senior year. It was hard. Very hard. Things didn't go anywhere near as well in Gault Manor as I had hoped (mostly for roommate incompatibilities)...classes just got boring, and my least favorite class at Wooster was on my favorite author (James Joyce). The Price of Life basically was my first semester, and really, it was a good semester...actually, as a year, save for much of my personal life, it was a great year. Classes were mostly great, I.S. was fun (and easy, comparatively....just a ton of work mostly), I definitely grew with God and grew as an evangelist specifically. I feel like I'm still kind of riding on waves from second semester, wherein I became really good friends with people I'll rarely see now that I've graduated...great time to make friends, second semester of your senior year is. I guess really, starting toward the end of first semester, basically, when I broke up with Meg if not a bit before or even a bit later (the price of life kind of blurs it all, to be honest), to no fault of anyone but perhaps myself if anyone, I definitely started feeling isolated in my personal life. I still definitely had friends, and great friends at that...but I kind of stopped connecting with anyone on a deep level....it just happened. I think it was something I always did with Meg before anyone else, then, in losing her, I just kind of shut off for awhile...and I hope I'm not there anymore, but I definitely feel like I am sometimes...mostly though, probably because I'm actually physically shut off from most of the world most of the time now...anyway, second semester was weird and good and bad and just everything....the day before graduation was glorious and one of the hardest days of my life. I was rejected by a girl that I still wouldn't be surprised to marry in four or five years, were it not for an as to yet irretrievable falling for a girl that decided we shouldn't talk then, (which is still going on to this day, as a side note)....so my second semester, personally, was a total emotional roller coaster and train wreck...

And right now, life is very hard....Next to all my communication with the outside world seems to be for funding, and about 75-80% of that communication ends in some form of rejection....

I could definitely let myself be filled with despair right now.

But I won't, and that's mostly because God won't.

And that's the abbreviated lifestory I've got for you, for the last 4 years of my life.

-Zack

"Lead me now, I understand, faith is both the prison and the open hand"
-Vienna Teng

Across..

I almost had another relationship-themed post Tuesday night....I'm kind of glad I didn't. I don't remember what I was going to say in it now, so both the daily posting and the theme streak is finally broken...for now.

It has been a strange, strange week. I'm not really even too sure how, but I feel like I'm making progress without results with fund raising. I'm scheduling meetings, making calls, doing all the right stuff...but there just hasn't been much in the way of results. That's not as discouraging as I could let it be, I think.

I'm definitely coming to a weird point in life though...I'm just very in-between things. I've got to get funded, that's for sure...but I've also got to start making money...hopefully the two don't clash...that would be helped by getting funded, at least enough, to have some kind of an income to stay afloat while I continue to work on the funding. We'll just see what happens I guess....

And I really need a car...I'm not sure how that's going to happen, but it's very much up to God. There's not a lot I can do to get one til, well, I'm making some kind of money. All of my money, right now, comes from randomly occurring sales on Amazon. It's actually kind of amazing I've stayed financially afloat, when I think about it...but that's the sovereignty of God for you. I'm definitely blessed to live at home with minimal living expenses right now...but I also know this cannot continue endlessly.

My brother was recently hired at Wal Mart to be one of the cart-collecting guys. Ever since, he's endlessly said things about how he "has a real job, doesn't beg for money, and actually does something." It gets annoying, especially because he couldn't do any single part of my job, like, at all. It's led to some arguments...and I know I've got to learn to not respond with so much ire...but it's hard.

I intentionally watched Soccer on t.v. for the first time ever yesterday. It wasn't too bad. There's a lot I don't know about, but I would like to be able to engage in that a bit more...it's got to be the world's most popular sport for a reason, right? I'm sure it won't ever overtake basketball or American Football for me, but even so, I want to enjoy it more than I can right now. That's definitely because the U.S. has a, in comparison, poor league that just about never gets any real coverage. Sure, they'll tell you the same story from NFL training camp 15 times in a 60 minute sports center...but the only time you hear about soccer is when it's an international competition and the U.S. is involved or when something ends up in top plays. Just a quick rundown of scores would be nice....seriously. Summer sports wouldn't be nearly as bad if they replaced all of the ramping-up for American Football season with coverage of sports that were actually taking place.... You still only ever hear about grand slams in Tennis, for instance...even though that's a very popular sport that is almost always going on during the summer. Of course, you can find whatever you want on the internet...but there's a definitely way that ESPN's selection of things to cover on Sports Center and subsequent programming sets the sport-discourse in the United States.

I wonder if there will ever be any significance for me in the fact that the Qinghai province looks like a rabbit.

It's really weird, actually, how rabbits have constantly intersected my life.

I don't think I'm going to talk about that at length.

I decided to start reading the books of Ezra...I started yesterday. I always kind of forget what it's about...then realize the content is a lot less interesting than the subject...mostly because there are so many names. That happens in Nehemiah too....that's one of my favorite books in the Bible (thanks to it appearing ALL of the time in my life, kind of like rabbits), but I always forget about the longs lists of things when I get down to reading it. It's definitely worth a read...but I'm, unfortunately, always disappointed with the act of reading. That being said, past the reading itself, in the thinking about what's actually going on (and the same is true of Ezra) there is much to be gleaned....much beauty, much glory...and many names. Names of people that existed, people that matter...but names that make reading a bit..rocky. And I don't skip the lists...I never do..I can never bring myself to.

After I finish Ezra, I'm going to read through (and try to without giggling the whole time), the Song of Solomon. It really is a beautiful book...and I know there's a lot of greatness there too...it's glorious that it exists, but sometimes unfortunate that it gets pigeon-holed as "the sex book" so often...I admit I'm guilty of that.

So I'm just going to keep on walking....as boldly as I can...into the next thing.
-Zack

"Patience is a priceless lesson; oh won't you learn it with me"
-Mae

Day 3:Regularity

I think, when you do something three days in a row, even if you don't plan to do it a fourth, people might expect it a fourth and beyond. I don't know what my plans are right now, despite whatever your expectations may be.

That's assuming someone, anyone, checks this daily. I don't know about that, but I do know that this could be a very slippery, daily post slope...or it could be my last post til Thursday, when I restart and resume just posting on Thursdays.

But I've got something I meant to talk about yesterday and just forgot...

I don't think I'm the only one that's heard some form of "getting your relationship right with God before starting a romantic relationship" maxim. It makes sense right? It's kind of a key marker in the tome of evangelical dating discourse. And I think it's totally wrong from a theological standpoint.

I've heard it in many contexts, and maybe they aren't all wrong in motivation. One of them, for me, for instance, was as a rejection. That makes sense in motivation...you don't want to date me so why not play the God card? Heck, I've played the God card more than once to get out of relationships (and by calling it the God card, I don't even mean that I wasn't sincere).
I've heard it from pulpits and read it in books too, and while I think the motivation: "young people should focus on the Lord more than dating" is valid, I think it's irresponsible to tell young people to try to get right with God before thinking about entering a relationship.

How many other things does God draw us into after we've gotten right with Him whatever that means.....short of the initial decision for Christ, I think God calls us into things often when we're not at all right with him...as a means to get their and beyond.

I shouldn't be a missionary if I have to wait til I get right with God. I'll never be that...not perfectly. It's a process, it always will be. And I think a whole lot more people are called into marriage than vocational ministry. But the leading line is that it's good for anyone and everyone to pursue God's call into ministry, to take his reputation into their hands for better or for worse if God is leading them...but it's not right to enter into a romantic relationship.... That doesn't make sense.

I'm not saying everyone should just date and date and date with no regard for the Father. Oh no, I don't think Christians should be dating for the heck of it in general. But to say you're focusing on God instead of guys/girls...well, when did the line get drawn? Why is there a dichotomy? Personally, I never want to be in a relationship with a girl when I'm not focusing on my relationship with God. I never want to be anywhere when that isn't the case....

Indeed, God-led relationships can should and will build us up. Two very good friends got married this summer, and both of them are all about serving God. When they met...I think it's safe to say that wasn't the case at all. God met them despite being in a relationship.... maybe even because of it; to even use the words, despite the motivation that would suggest God will do otherwise is simply a cutting of God's power and oftentimes a lie. If you don't want to date me or don't want to date anyone...say that...don't say it's because you're working on your relationship with God instead, because if you're not working on your relationship with God when you're dating me, then I'm not interested in dating you.

Of course, there probably are cases where it's good advice. Very specific cases...and I think God will lead you into those. I can definitely see a reality when someone shouldn't be in a relationship because they use it to stray from God or to undercut their faith/reliance in/on Him...or maybe it's just a matter of God saying "at this point in your life, I need you single." That's valid. I can't say everywhere God is leading everyone, that's for sure.

But to make it so cut and dry as the draw the line between being in a romantic relationship or "working on your relationship with God" is nigh blasphemous. If God wants you in a relationship, it's best to let it be so than fear you're not close enough to him...he'll draw you closer and he may use the other person to do that.

All this is, once more to say, that I don't know where God is leading everyone. I think though, that squashing potential relationship between two Jesus-loving people in the name of growing closer to the Lord instead is absolutely wrong. We are meant to grow to the Lord in community....why in the world should we think it's impossible to do with a romantic endeavor; something that can be a very real, true, and intimate form of community?

What I'm railing against mostly, I guess, is the discourse, the rhetoric of it all. Maybe people that use these lines would agree with me.... but I want to point out the danger of doing that with language. When you create catch phrases, when you package theology, you don't allow for the fullness of the Lord, the uniqueness he has imbued in each of us, to shine through. Language is necessarily complex, and removing complexity for the sake of creating lines for uninterested Christian girls to turn down well meaning Christian guys is removing any bit of the truth and the sacred from the motivation that led to the lines in the first place. Just be upfront...just be clear. And if necessary...be verbose.


That, and I'm probably a little bitter for running into it from time to time in my own romantic endeavors.


-Zack
"Come so close that I might see the crash of light come down on me"
-Mazzy Star