Next year's NBA finals feel much too far away.
So right now, at this moment, "maybe next year" is the least amount of solace it ever could b.

But tomorrow the sun rises in Cleveland.
And we start toward the new day.

-Zack
"it's so thrilling and oh so wrong, don't have to prove that you are so strong cause I can carry you on my back after our enemies attack. I tried to tell you before I left, but I was screaming under my breath, you are the only thing that makes sense, just ignore all this present tense."
-Snow Patrol

This Singularity (is clear from a distance)

It is so weird to be home. I don't even know what home means anymore. It's undefinable. It's probably the concept I've put the most fruitless effort into defining since 2005....when I graduated from High School and started at Wooster. The best answer I have is that home and soylent green are the same thing: people.

But I'm not too sure what that means. I know that some places look like home...but things don't feel like home without the right people, and those people, for whatever reason, have to be how you left them, right?

But they can't. That's an impossibility...it's an impossibility that, when I think about it, scares me...but that's another story for another day.

I've learned that a lot in the last four years, and most especially this past weekend. I've heard it said that you can't go home again (and that itself is a line I think, from a song or something), and that true in and of the reality that people change when you leave them. I don't know how this applies to family. But I don't think family will ever work as the end of feeling home. It is just the beginning, if that. Family is always there...they always will be. It's the starting point and home is more a feeling than a technicality. Even life with your family doesn't feel like home sometimes....or a lot of times. I can take that to the bank, that's for sure. But I think we, at least as a culture, will refer to our parents place as "home." My grandma, dad's mom, still refers to central Ohio as "home" when she's lived all over the state and in Lima for the last nearly 40 years or so...it's just built in. But I don't think the feeling of home is attached to our name for it....sure, I'm "home" this summer because I'm living with my parents, but I'm not home when compared to what this all was when I left 4 years ago. It really does feel like I left 4 year ago, even though I've been here for shorter periods of time in between...I guess I didn't live in Ottawa then, so that makes something of a difference. Believe me, this place is different. Of course it is....things change, people change...but they're still people. Unfortunately, the fact of who someone is cannot often transcend what someone is when we paint in broad strokes and talk about theory. And I am different too. Very different. Very not-what-I-was-when-I-left. But I think I am better....perhaps I know I am better, and perhaps that is a problem.

I don't know if all of this is in and of itself a problem as much as an analysis of what's going on, what happens, what happens to us all. At the peak of it all is the undeniable fact that we will always structure our lives around the family unit...either where we came from or where we're headed. I've been in enough relationships to know that it's in the best of times with a significant other that "home" actually feels real again. It's true. Or at least its true for me. And that's what makes my life feel like it's on some kind of hold or just some kind of journey, entirely without a net. I am surrounded by people I love...but people that love others more...and I can't blame them. But it's the major change agent. It always has been, and I do believe it will always be so. It is alright...I am dealing with it and I am confused about it...and I am a best man in a wedding in just a few weeks now. Regardless of anything and everything, I know that where I am and what I am doing is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

And I don't think I am the writer I once was. Indeed, I know I am not. That's not really a problem, because I don't have to be, and I don't care so much anymore. All I really care about, when it comes to writing, is maintaining my own voice and not defaulting to the ever-present ministry tone....I don't know if it's avoidable, and I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, but there is a certain way people involved in ministry write, with a lot of unrealistic emotions, dodgy language, and turned truths...that I just don't want to slip into. That's probably a large part of why I keep this and use facebook for a lot of communication. If a setting gets too formal, I will lose too much of myself and my own voice. And my voice is important in its individual sense...not because I am important, but because God created me as me for a reason, and my voice as my voice, the voice he gave me, is important to him and to me. I want to lose myself in him, certainly...but I know in doing that, I wil find myself more purely, more true. And I do not want to lose myself in conjured, trite, illusive diction that seems to go with my job far too often.

Speaking of my job, fund development is the slowest job ever. No matter how aggresive you can be with it or how aggresive you are...it just seems that there will be times when there isn't much you can do but wait...and that's where I am right now. I know God gives us waiting periods for a reason, and I know I am in one right now for a reason. And that is alright...that is good.

I love basketball too much. I love the Cavs more....and LeBron falls somewhere in between the two. But I have got to stop caring so much. I think part of the problem though, is that I'm tying up God's love for Cleveland and my personal love for Cleveland and how much they just need and want (and have) hope that needs to be realized into the Cavs. Cleveland does not need a Cavs championship to have hope. They have hope. It's called Christ. Christ does mean Messiah, but that does not mean LeBron. It would be a good thing for the city if the Cavs went to the Finals and won...it would end a nearly 60 year title drought in all sports. But it's not the be all, end all hope for the city, it's not the solution...it would just be good. The solution is now and will always be the hope that is in Christ and how he is and will and will always transform lives and use them to rebuild and reshape that city. I do want the Cavs to win...badly. But more than that, I want to see the light of Christ shine into Cleveland and retake the city where it has fallen and where it has problems. Only Christ can do that...and never LeBron. But, I must admit, I am consistently impressed by LeBron's personal reinvestment into humanitarian efforts in the city.


I appreciate Wooster a lot more as a graduate than I ever did as a student....even before I stopped trying.

-Zack
"Four walls with no windows doesn’t mean they don’t exist"
-John Reuben

Turning, Turning.....

A lot has happened, since I last posted. I'm a college graduate now. I feel more like an InterVarsity staff than ever now. And I'm at home for a prolonged portion of time for a change now. And I love tea quite a bit (however old that may be) because I'm not such a fan of the strength of coffee my parents make.

Last week was one of the hardest, weirdest, most fulfilling weeks of my life, top to bottom. Last Sunday was hard. Just, physically, emotionally hard to get through. It was the last full day on campus for seniors, and really, it was the last chance to really spend time with anyone...and even say real goodbyes. Parents ruin graduation. Not really, but it's hard, sad, and ironic that they show up and suddenly, it's next to impossible to say goodbye or see everyone you wish you could have.

I had too many friends this past school year. Not really too many...just too many to make senior weekend anything but insane and tough on the "decision making" front...complicated further by unfulfilled expectations on the part of others...but that's okay, I totally understand. It just makes things hard, and I know I let people down. It was good, and on the whole, I don't have any regrets. Sunday night was perfect, at least as far as people go...

I'm struggling to think through what the end of college meant, with regard to my certain friend groups, but it probably doesn't matter because they probably won't intersect again...it's just hard to make choices. Like I said though, Sunday night could have been perfect as the meld and flow kind of worked itself out.

Senior music hour and the commencement concert by the scot band were amazing. I am so glad I have musical friends (I guess going into College I was kind of musical too...at least much more than I am now). And I am doubly glad that our class landed on a band year. Miss Ditmer knows how to bid farewells, and coming in with band freshman year made having a band concert on my last night on campus, even a band I wasn't in, special by all degrees.

I mentioned that I'm not musical anymore. I think there are a lot of things I'm not anymore that I was when I got to college. If I'm a better writer, I have a lot less faith in my skills than I used to, if nothing else. One thing is certain, and that's that I'm not at the same level compared to my peers as I was then...I honestly think, if I'm not a worse writer, I didn't improve much and I just made what I have work for 4 years....and did not get honors on I.S. for it. But it's alright....as you can tell, I'm still a compulsive writer. I used to be an academically outstanding student too...I used to care about how I did and strive for grades. I can't really be that anymore because I'm not a student, but believe me, that ceased after Urbana. Thankfully, I fell in love with film so I could get good grades without feeling like I was trying. Actually.....eventually...I wasn't. I think I got departmental honors because I got obsessed with film and landed with the right professors at the right time. That and God never quite let me get past my love for all things medieval. That helped....of course I had an unfortunate intersection with a nearly amateur medievalist professor right after Urbana and that hurt me...heck, it was my lowest grade in college. It's ironic to think about, but the professor I probably owe the most to as far as grades, honors, and just enjoyment of the college experience goes was on sabbatical, and that's why I got a B in Chaucer. Never even saw my sermon-illustration of a final.


Okay, okay, that little paragraph there was remarkably self indulgent. Sorry about that. I don't mind if you skip it.

But what am I now and why did I change? Why do things change? Jesus, is all I know, if they change for the better. And I do think they did. Sure, I'm not as musical, I'm not the writer I was or could be, nor the student. But in the words of Paul, if I had those things, I would count them all loss. I don't need them, and you better believe two weeks of intense evangelistic effort (one of them, for me, especially intense) are going to hurt your GPA if you're trying hard enough. And that wasn't all...oh, not at all. Sure, next year's WCF large group meetings are probably a reaction against a lot of my work...but bigger, broader, fuller was at least our goal and even if it's different now and I was just part of an experiement, it's about progression toward Glory for God, and that's what we've got and I was blessed to be a part of it.

Anyway, so I kind of cut off after Monday of last week, but that was only a slight bit of last week. When I finally got home, I was supposed to (and eventually did) drive to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for the remainder of the week on Tuesday morning. I got up early, as one ought to with so long a drive ahead...and Annie's car, dear Annie who let me borrow her car, had a flat tire. So I went back to sleep, figuring I couldn't do much til daylight. When I got up, my Dad helped me change the tire...and I drove North, got lost around Detroit (as in, went through Detroit when I should have stuck to 23 and skipped it altogether)....and got to Cedar campus about 5 hours later than my original intention. It was really fine though.....but it's a lie if you think one sleeps during senior weekend. I drove to the UP on about 16 hours of sleep since the Friday before that Tuesday...and like 6-8 of those were the night before that. I drank all sorts of caffeine in my effort, that's for sure. But I made it.

And it was weird. Because just about everyone I knew in the InterVarsity world (Hyperbole, but a representation of most of them at least, if one breaks them into sets by experience) was there...and I was tied to a group of people I was meeting for the first time. God had the providence to place us on different sides for the most part though, and that helped a lot.

Really, it was a great time. It really was. It was hard for a lot of reasons....I didn't know the people, I don't know the campus, and we were all coming at a tough issue from very different view points. But it worked out. Sure, I don't agree with Hillsdale students on much politically....at least not to the degrees they take it...and I probably idealize post-modernism to the mistaken degree that they demonize it (at least in practice...I doubt they consider it too much as, apparently, in an intro-English class they decided that authors have intentions and they matter.......ouch). We're different people. Very different. I'm very prepared not to fit into the Hillsdale culture (probably not prepared enough). But they are great people that God has a great plan for in the future...and I am so incredibly blessed that our paths get to intersect. Keep me in your prayers as I transition into what's going to be a tumultuous adventure of a life.

It was a hard week, but by the end of the day Thursday, I felt like the most blessed person alive.

I got to ride back with Wooster. I love them all so much. I probably can't measure how much I'll miss WCF friends, but I know it will be a great deal.

I've been putting in 7-8 hours a day on the FD bandwagon these days. I've got a lot of letters to send out.

-Zack
"And if the Lord should bring us back together may we be in his arms til then"
-Timothy Meaney

I'm caught in an instance of wondering if I'm getting too caught up in coincidence or if some very interesting things are falling into place. I won't know for awhile.
-Zack
"This time is the last time, so be here, be here now"
-Mae

I wonder what it was like, in the days before facebook....
I've learned of multiple pregnancies and engagements for people I've not talked to in forever already this morning.
I would probably never find out without facebook...at least not so readily.
In the case of some people, most certainly never.

The emo-end result? It looks a lot less common than I thought it was to graduate from college without being engaged or engaged to be engaged or even engaged to be engaged to be engaged.

But I still think that's more how it looks than how it is. I know plenty of happy people that graduated completely single...some of them still are, some of them found love after college.

And it's not all about love anyway, right?
Life, that is.

Well, maybe life is all about love...but certainly not of the romantic sort.

That being said, last night I had a dream...and quite the dream it was.

-Zack
"I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix"
-Mae

The Cavaliers may be having the best season I'll ever see from one of my favorite sports teams. That's awesome.
-Zack
"I know it's a dream but it must be true"
-Mae

I really like how empty the library is right now.

An empty (of people) library might be one of my favorite things in the world...if I get to be there.

-Zack

"Soak the ground in gasoline"

-Mae

We Could Change the World

We are walking, walking, walking.  Apart.

It's almost over.  Just 4 days from graduation now.  I finished my last paper yesterday and my only final on Tuesday.  That hasn't set in.  I don't know if anything is ever going to set in.  At some point, it will just all be over, and that's when it will have to hit me.  Or something.

I feel like I spend too much time talking about fund raising on here...but it's what's on my mind a huge portion of the time.  I've had good responses from people, but little in the way of actual funds...sent in or committed.  I'm going to have to work hard after graduation.  That's undeniable.  Really, it would be stupendous if my graduating friends could get jobs....that's definitely standing between me and some support right now.  And I'm sure they wouldn't mind it so much either.  I was looking at my prospects list yesterday, and if everyone on it gave 10 dollars a month, I would be at 85 percent of my funding.  That's interesting...but I know a lot of them probably won't give ever and many won't give for awhile.  That being said, hopefully many of them will give a bit more than 10 dollars a month.  

If you're reading this and received a letter from me though (or didn't, whatever) it would be sweet if you could jump on at 10 bucks a month because that would get me just that much theoretically closer to at least 85% of my funding...which is pretty close to the amount that I need to get to Hillsdale, and well over what I need to start getting paid....I've not even started dealing with alumni either...so I've got the prospects necessary, I think...it's just a matter of contacting them and praying and God moving them to give to the cause.  We really could change the world....if I could get fully funded and get on campus.  Hillsdale is kind of a powder keg...with the right spark, I know something huge could take place...something huge and wonderful.  

I'm not going to Chapter Focus Week, and that's really sad, for a lot of reasons.  It does, however, give me a couple of extra days to work on Fund Development stuff.

I don't feel like I have much to write about right now.  Perhaps I do.  But I don't think I do.

There were times when I couldn't wait to get out of Wooster over the years...going home was always a treat and something I relished each and every time.  Not this time though...leaving Wooster is among the last things I want to do now...it used to not be so bad...going to CFW was going to make it easier, or at least prolonged, having to leave everyone on a sort of permanent basis...but not going has kind of become a sort of train wreck I can't get around, and I'll just have to turn back from...or something.  I don't know...I just know that Monday is coming too soon, and every day before it sooner.

-Zack

"We were talking about the space between us all"

-The Beatles

Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world....

Last day of classes.  A day late, here, I know.  But yesterday was prefaced by a long Wednesday.  A very long wednesday.  I did lament missing my thursday post...oh well.  Lament is far too strong a word.

I think I'm refusing to subconsciously accept that it has been the last week of classes all week.  But here we are.  Last Oasis was last night....not as sad as I thought I would be, but I know I'll miss it.  Kitt is closed for close to forever...for awhile at least.  Even though last night would have been my last dinner in Kitt no matter what, it was much sadder than it would have been were it not the last meal kitt would be serving for at least a year.  

And today, I have my last couple of classes...then the WCF end of the year picnic.  A wonderful, heartfelt tradition.

I went to an Indians game Monday, and, in process, ate sushi and got free food after the game.  

Wednesday we explored Amish country a little...we spent too long at Heini's Cheese Chalet though, so we didn't see much else.  But it was wonderful, nonetheless.

I didn't quite meet my Fundraising goal for april....didn't quite by around $4990.  There have been snags, mostly related to having other things that I couldn't quite skip.  But I probably haven't worked as hard as I would have liked either.  But, after CFW, I can hit the ground running....I'll have sent out over 100 letters by graduation, so that's definitely a starting place.  It's also hard to know, because I think all the responses to my letters are going to my house in Ottawa....I could have raised a ton of committed funds and not know it....I'm not so sure if that's the case or not, indeed, I kind of doubt it, but God is faithful, and he's going to be faithful when I'm done with College and really fundraising on a larger, more serious level.

I'm excited about working with students.  It's making leaving Wooster a lot easier, knowing that the thing I did that I loved the most, ministry with WCF isn't leaving my life.  It's intensifying, elsewhere.  I know there is a lot of potential with the students at Hillsdale...not just because there are so many of them and a sense of unity could be powerful, but also because they are just smart, skilled people.  They are different from the average Wooster student....not on an academic level, but the passions and worries are different...and I think that, combined with everything I know so well from Wooster, could be a volatile, proactive, world-changing mixture.

That's my hope at least.

If, of course, I can get fully funded.  

Just 10 days til graduation.  That's insane.  I can't hardly believe it's already May.  

-Zack

"I've been putting off this purification, a rebirth and a regeneration inside of me, and I've been saying no for far too long even though something brand new is coming out of me"

-Mae

And He set me on fire....

Call it what you will.  Purification, destruction/rebuild, dismantle.repair, redemption.  In any event, it's the process, the process we all know about, or at least should want to if we don't but don't really want to at all, that can best describe the week I've had.  And I'm not sure of the details I want to go into.  But remember (never forget) this: God is faithful.

I'm going with purification right now, but any and all apply. God made the addition of ash to soil directly tied into an increase in soil fertility, and it may just be because he knew all of the sermons it could turn into.  But I don't know how much we hear about the pain....let me assure you, there will always be pain.  Birth pain, growing pain, just pain.  I can't account for all the pain, but I'm sure God can, and never forget (always remember) this: God is faithful.

The Cavs will probably sweep the Pistons.  

I feel like I'm not making much progress in fund development, but I think I am.

And I am incredibly excited about Chapter Focus Week.  I'm a bit apprehensive about trying to jump into a culture I know little of (and fit in less), with Hillsdale and things, right after graduation.  But It's a definite, positive step toward the future, and if nothing else, that is what I need right now.  I will always love post-modernity in theory, but I am, right now, always already fed up with living liminally.  Really, I think I'm mostly a modernist because I cannot create without a ridiculous sense of self and reflexivity.  But I don't believe in many if any of the propositions of modernism, almost and especially modernist theology.  Well, that's hard to define because there are maybe 3 of us in the world that would try to decide what exactly modernist theology even is...and we're post-modern and want to dismantle it because of the harm it does, not necessarily because of its positions.  And I'm post-modern because I'm lazy and don't want to explain things, but I could write for hours without saying anything, mostly because I don't believe one can really ever say much of anything at all without some sort of outside spark, perhaps even deep within, but necessarily other from the individual.  Ah, the other, how I barely knew thee before I wished to be with thee and destroy thee.

I had a dream in which I learned about a sort of (possibly imaginary) drought, in which it is always hot and unbearable during the daytime, then, at night, it will rain, but it will never rain enough to sustain anything.  I think I have important dreams on Wednesday nights.... I can definitely relate to a feeling of drought, barrenness, not complete but, indeed never satisfied, definitely, right now.  It's attached, I do believe, to this liminality in which I'm living as what's essentially a lame-duck senior.  But there's a lot more to that...like Saturday-Sunday afternoon...when a very intentful prayer was very much half-answered.  Sometimes it feels like God is teasing me.  But I think that feeling is really him telling me to have faith.  Faith deeper, more extreme, more reckless than ever before.  And that isn't easy...  

But I know he is faithful, and that reciprocity is enough of a promise.  It's got to ultimately be my faith in his faithfulness that nurtures the thirsty land I am.

-Zack

"Before you say that a part of you has died remember the fire is on the inside"

-Mae  

Have you ever seen the light?

No.  Not when I knew what it was at least.  But yes.  

I've become obsessed with themes of movement lately.  I don't know why, and I don't realize it, until I try to sum up thoughts or feelings.  I could give you a list of reasons probably; obstinance toward moving on, waiting to move up, being in capable of moving on, thinking of moving past, envisioning movement toward or away from this or that.  

It's all movement.  

Lip Sync was bad last night and the judges were worse.  

This is being simul-posted on facebook now.  I'm still not sure of that decision on my part.

The NBA Playoffs start this week.  They're my favorite playoffs by a lot.  The NBA is second only to NCAA Football in my personal hierarchy of sports leagues, and I would like the NCAA less if there was a playoff (although I am one of few...actually, I would like it most if it went back to the pre-BCS style....just like I would like baseball if they scrapped divisions and playoffs and just played the World Series at the end of the season between the winner of both leagues)  I'm not terribly positive why I think the NBA gets it right with playoffs but none of the other leagues do quite so well....I would shorten the first round, but that's about it, and I don't think I could support that even, when it comes to non-1-8 seed match-ups.  The NFL has too many divisions....if you're going to let six teams in, have 2 or three divisions and take the top 3 or 4 teams in the conference after those winners....having two wild card teams with better records than division winners is ludicrous...because 16 games is too short for a four division sport, and football is too violent to have a true playoff without the most meticulous care to make sure the right teams are there....and it's just wrong right now.  The NHL is pretty fine I guess...if I followed it more.  I actually really really like the point system.  I might follow Hockey more when I move to michigan, since they love their red wings up there...maybe not in Hillsdale though....  I'm not even going to start talking about the NCAA basketball tournament.  I don't think a team that doesn't win its conference should be able to win the national championship, I don't think there should be conference tournaments unless you're going to have to win it to get to the national tournament.  Really, I just hate trying to appease public opinion when it comes to sports.  Prove it on the field.  I probably seem backwards with College Football then, but until a playoff could happen in which every conference winner (and NO ONE) else would be allowed in, it's just too big to have a legitimate playoff... so the opinions of the media and coaches should decide the national champion.  That, and I don't think national championships in college football should mean as much as they do.  There's more to the sport than that, and the ESPN/ABC have done their best to make us forget.  Bo never won a national championship...I don't care, because his goal was to win the Big Ten, beat Ohio State, and win the Rose Bowl each year.  That's college football...win the conference, beat your rival, win your bowl game.  It's too localized and too spectacular a sport to weigh down with national implications.   But it's a little late.

Okay, that's all about sports.  Sorry....

But the Go Cavs!  nonetheless

Light actually does, undeniably, exist as a binary to its opposite.  It's opposite, indeed, cannot even exist in its presence.  

Theoretically, as is everything else.  Even though that's harder to prove, I don't want to be anything but in, around, and through all that is light, so I'm not striving to exist as anything but the opposite of everything I don't want to and am not supposed to be.  That's what redemption is.  There are just two sides, and they are defined by being one side or the other.  Christ said all those that are not against me are for me, and that's what redemption means.  But we're all kind of fragments really, a sum of our parts, if you will....sure, they make us unified, or something, but you're not walking with the Lord if you think you're totally redeemed all at once.  It's a process.  God gives us pennies, when all we want is a dime...in the end though, we'll always end up with at least 11 pennies.  And when we are fully redeemed, we aren't anything at all attached to the world, and at that point, we're forever, perfectly, wholly in the light, where there can be no darkness. What would happen if everything were illuminated, and darkness ceases to exist?  Someday, we'll find out.   Light, right now, is light because it isn't dark, but if you spend long enough in the light, the necessity of a word for dark will cease, and all darkness will be but a memory of what was, if even that.  And we construct our understanding of the world on the words we use to describe it.  That's why light is necessarily the opposite of dark...because that's the only way we can understand it...that's why we can only understand good as the opposite of bad.  When bad ceases to exist, perhaps good will too, but I suspect, then, words will be different too, so what is good now will not be good, it will simply be, dizzy, light, and free of all that it could be that it isn't now, as it is trapped, tied, bound to its reliance on the existence of bad.  Right now, I am but Zack, the only Zack that is me, and therefore different from everyone else.  But someday, perhaps I will be Zack because of something essential.  But maybe then, I won't be Zack at all.  I don't really believe in essentiality, not in this world.  There won't be the need to believe in it in the next.

Read the Name of the Rose and watch Howl's Moving Castle.  Then you'll be in my aesthetic viewpoint for the week.  Or at least the biggest part of it.  I've done my best to fragment it, so that will never be possible.  Just working to develop difference and identity, that's all.  Actually, that's not even true at all.  My identity is not mine to craft.  I just have a short attention span, so I've seen about half an our of like, 4 movies this week, and the last hour of Howl's Moving Castle.  And I've read about 350 pages....and only about 80 of them have been The Name of the Rose.  

So bigness wins, that's democracy.

But bigness is an inherent fallacy.  I've proven that through me, but democracy proves it better every day.

I'm going to have a lot to learn next year, just about living on my own.  I realized yesterday that I've never done my taxes.  I've never paid a monthly mortgage.  I've never bought my own food for a sustained period.  I've never owned a car and had insurance or any sort of retirement to think about saving for.  But it's coming soon....

....at least I have a job

-Zack

"Take me home tonight, I don't want to let you go til I see the light"

-Eddie Money

Rather I was there....

There's something here, something in this in-between, this in-between of what is now and what comes next.
3 books, 3 papers, 1 exam. That's it, that will be all it takes for me to be finished with this undergraduate degree I've been kind of not caring about for 4 years. But I've been caring enough...I think though, that I've mostly been caring about being here, right here, in this very moment, in this very place. I don't mean the computer lab. I just mean in Wooster, more than anything.

But it's closing. I don't know if it's a door, a window, or a chapter.
It could be all or none. I've got a lot more leaving Wooster than I had coming in, but I think I've got a lot less leaving this year than I had coming in. Indeed, I know I do. Well, maybe. I've got some clarity. I've got a destination, and it is beautiful.
But even so, everything is still kind of like waiting.

At least that's how I feel right now. Tomorrow, I might feel something different from this. But now, "this" is what it is, what I feel. Waiting. I don't know how much weight to give feelings...ever...because I know sometimes it matters a lot...and sometimes it matters none. They, I mean, more than it.

There are many ways I could track my life, many movements, many waves. But they're all supposed to be leading to the same thing, right? That's what I think at least. Maybe not. But I think they are, that's how God works. I'm not sure that's how it works for people trying to forge their own path in life. If there's anything I learned from trying to do that for myself, from time to time, is that there's no such thing as unity when humanity gets involved too much, or tries to control things on their own. We can't see reality for what it is on our own (if at all) and walking with the Lord is being able to see more and more of what truly is, what truly exists. But to walk on one's own is to walk in a space based on one's own interpretation, not on what actually is. Of course you can't make true progress when you can't walk in a true direction. We all exist in relation to each other. That's truth if there's truth this side of heaven. So how are we to make our own decisions when I see you and I know you and I act based on who you are, but who you are to me is not you (and who you are to you isn't even you), and I'm supposed to act based on a ton of incomplete if not totally false knowledge? Oh, you know that's impossible. So why even move? Why even move at all? Indeed, without Christ, we're not moving, we're not moving anywhere...we're just sitting still and everything is moving around us, but we feel like we're moving, it's called frame of reference. But to God, through God, when he's not just the frame of reference we're moving based on, but what moves us at all...then we can actually do it, we can actually know, we can actually see, and actually be known. That's where our Lord and Savior meets post-modernity, and it's why the world has always been post-modern and we just didn't know it. The catch is, has been, and always will be, that without Christ, there is nothing. No peace, no reconciliation, and most importantly, no love.

So don't walk in the fallacy of thinking you can walk on your own at all.

I know I can't. I've tried, and failed a lot. But there is a lion, and there is a light. And they are one.
-Zack
"Postcard says wish you were here and I'd rather I was there"
-Rise Against

Stagnation

Movement is not easy anymore.  Progress does not come simply.  Since turning in I.S., I've lost motivation, I've lost purpose, I've lost desire...to work on things toward graduation.  I've got to finish a paper, write a paper, and read...then I'll have completed a Bachelor's Degree at the College of Wooster.  I don't want to do any of it.  I've never really wanted to do schoolwork, per se, but, I can't even see much importance in it anymore.   Indeed, it feels quite "pointless" although the point is quite clear.

Thankfully, I don't feel this way about my remaining time with Wooster Christian Fellowship.  This probably has to do with the fact that the sort of stuff I'm doing with WCF is the sort of stuff I'll be doing at Hillsdale...at least in theory.  I'm still coming to terms with how different Hillsdale will be.  

I've been trying to get a letter out so I can officially start fund development...I mean, I guess the beginning stages are "part" of fund development, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, waiting for things to fall into place before I can send out my letters.  I've had my first appointment though...so that's cool.  I'm just a bit a weary to schedule more until I've got a few more things in place for the effort.  That brings me to a first for this blog: a prayer request:  I've got to raise around $43,000 for the year, 34,000 by August first so I can get on campus at Hillsdale. My goal then, is to have $3600 a month in faithfully committed support.  Right now, I'm at $0. Pray that the commitments happen and that I can really hit the FD (fund development) trail hard in the meantime.  If you feel like you can be part of the answer to this prayer, check out www.intervarsity.org/donate and search for me..."Belcher" is probably the best choice because I'm not sure how my name is spelled in the database.  Part of me has this like, Obama/wikipedia-style grassroots hope for my ministry.  It would be really cool if I had 360 people supporting me at 10 dollars a month...that would be a sense of calling.  The chances of that happening are pretty slight probably...and then I start doing math and figure out that I should probably try to get a few big donors, a few smaller ones, and a few smaller yet, with the smallest like, around 25 bucks a month or something.  That's what we're told to do at least.  If, however, you would like to join the world-changing God will be doing at Hillsdale and can't do more than 10 a month, I would love to talk to you about making that number 359. More than anything though, I would love your prayers.

I cannot come to terms with a few things in my life:

College ending.  If I could realize that I've only got around 4 weeks left with everyone that has meant so much to me for the past 4 years, maybe I would be being a better friend.  But I can't come to terms with that...I don't want to, I know that, although I should do it anyway, and it would make things better on the whole.  

God loving me infinitely, and that mattering.  There's nothing new about God's love theology.  But who hasn't felt like that love wasn't enough to fill relational holes in our hearts?  But it is.  I'm trying to realize that.

And Patience....

It gets it's own section, but it's largely wrapped up in the other two.  What comes along with leaving college is the fact that much of my life is very in between right now.  It's not even all that uncertain...just very in between.  I don't feel ready for what comes next, but I feel like I've kind of outgrown where I am now.  So I pray that God grants me patience and helps me realize what he still has for me here.

On the flipside, I'm really excited that I get to keep up with people as a part of my job.  Sure, I hope college friends join my support team financially for the financial side, but moreso, I'm really looking forward to having reasons to call Audrey and Mark or Mike and Elyssa (and others, just examples there folks) in the future as part of my job.

And I'm glad God does love me that much, and I've just got to learn to usefully deal with it.

And I'm glad God has timing that makes things perfect...because I'm imperfect, and my timing would mess everything up, most certainly.

All in all, as long as God is on the throne, how can I complain?  For even the worst that can happen will turn me over to him.

Until next time, have a blessed Easter.

-Zack

"And this journey's hurting in ways we accept as part of fate's decree"

-Vienna Teng

Change is Here

I've been talking about change for awhile now.  And here it is.  Other than the look, you may be wondering what's different.  Indeed, if you've not been here before right now, it doesn't even look any different.  But the differences are, as they ought to be, deeper than the skin.

I'm an impulsive blogger.  Sometimes, at least.  I've had this Thursday posting appointment for quite awhile now, and it's gone well, and I certainly feel like it's something I need for self expression.  Maybe this will all change when/if I get married, because I'll have someone to tell everything to without writing it all out.  But until that happens, well, here I am.

This tendency has led to all sorts of self-serving posts.

Right now, right here, I'm turning from that style of writing. 

With this blog, this internet-journal if you will, I plan to explore my own life in ministry for the benefit of my readers.  Part of this is, indeed, driven by my service with InterVarsity and will work as a way to keep people more in the loop than the more standard monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly prayer letter.  Indeed, I imagine I'll probably post at least once a week.

This does not mean that the former style of semi-artistic non-fictional semi-prose is going away.  It will be around, maybe kind of, but the overall point of this, which I'll refer to as IPK for the time being, is shifting from inward, self-serving, to outward, God-loving, keeping people supporting my ministry, as it gets underway at Hillsdale this summer/fall, abreast of what's going on with me and the chapter.  It's going to be fun, it's going to be an adventure, and I want you to be a part of God's great work alongside me...hopefully this will make that possible beyond prayer and financial support (although both of those are far more important than your reading of this). 

Will this lead to self-censorship?  Maybe, but I hope not.  This is going to be a lot more public now...more people will at least know about it, although there will be no guarantee of any sort of readership, by any means.  But I do plan to tell people about it and put the address with things I send, just like a company website or something like that.  It might be a bit rough in the beginning because there's a divide between the old posts and the new, but you've got to start somewhere....and I don't exactly have the biggest support team at the moment anyway.

To be quite honest, I don't quite know what all of this means quite yet, or what it's going to look like.  I'm going to try to figure it out, and really, as readers, you're going to have a part in that too.  It will, largely, be shaped by the people reading and (hopefully) commenting.  It would be really cool if the comments formed a sort of forum for discussion, but that's both unlikely and probably more unfavorable than I think right now.  

Speaking of comments, I realized today that I had it set so that only registered users could comment.  That's been changed now, if you want to post a comment and don't have an account, you can now.  You should get an account though.....a google (gmail) account works, and the utility of Google docs, calendar, and gmail is mind-bogglingly high.  I highly recommend it.

Okay, that's the sort of business end of the blog's new look and hopefully developing feel.  

So where am I now?  

Physically, the McCreight Lab in the basement of the Gault Library, in Wooster.  I installed the computers here, so I feel like I have a bit of a tie to them.  It's usually really full at night, so I don't get to use the lab too often...but Thursday mornings are pretty quiet around here, and it's a nice lab for what I do Thursday mornings (which is, of course, this, right now, writing).  

Otherwise, I feel like something big is going to happen in my life soon.  I don't know what.  I just know I woke up with a sense of eager expectation that can only come from God, and I can't quite figure out for what... but I know I'm excited and I know something is afoot, as they say.  

I'm in the beginning stages of fund development right now.  Fund development might sound like a fancy way to say fund raising, but they are actually different.  Fund raising is more of a one time thing, for a specific, terminal goal.  Fund development is the long-term process of developing relationships for financial support in an ongoing ministry or mission.  I'm working on sorting out potential donors and writing letters right now.  Hopefully, next week, I can send out the first wave.  You might get one, depending on who you are.  Well, you probably won't get one next week, because the first wave will be churches, I think.  In any event, that's where that is.  It's a bit scary, feeling like I have to ask for my salary, essentially.  But that's not really how it works.  I'm raising support for the ministry of InterVarsity, and I work for InterVarsity, getting paid by them for what I do.  The money I raise, while it does end up in an account earmarked for me, is raised around the core commitments and mission of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and I'm asking people to partner with that mission as it is being played out at Hillsdale College.  Maybe that sounds semantic.  Maybe, just maybe, it is a bit semantic.  But in any event, the work of the Lord is a worthy cause on college campuses because, while it may sound cliched, college campuses are the locations through which the future leaders of the world and the Church pass, and ongoing ministry in that arena is key for the future and present spread of the gospel through the world and locally.  Developing Christian leadership, one of InterVarsity's biggest goals is key for the future relevance of the faith in society.  

And Hillsdale, where I'll be, is key in its own particular way.  God has a specific mission for the people that go through Hillsdale.  That's true of everywhere, but Hillsdale is unique because it is not uncommon for the graduates of Hillsdale to go on to important jobs in politics and leadership in the country.  Having the privilege to work with students that will become graduates and eventually shape world politics and policy is exciting.  It's really not about me though; God's vision is larger than my abilities, and he would work and move in a place as multiplicatively strategic as Hillsdale with or without me.  I stand in awe of his blessing to let me be even a small part in his work at so important a place.

-Zack

"Here it comes, a beautiful collision"

-David Crowder

Change is still coming....

But I've got a quick bullet point: If John Calipari takes the Kentucky job, I am picking Kentucky in my bracket until he is no longer their coach.

-Zack
"In this dream now you can sleep because this bed was made in love"
-Mae

The winds of change are blowing.
As they say.

-Zack
"tonight I'll wake up twice and both times find you gone"
-MAE

Am I a Communist?

I think I might be. Unintentionally...although I used to think it was a good idea, straightaway. If it weren't so humanistic, so, indeed, necessarily humanistic and, well, wrong about history, then I'd probably consider it, now that I'm thinking about what I think these days about things. I think though, that Communism, as an "enlightenment" "humanistic" "modernist" theory, is going to fall short a lot. But, what, I ask, about post-modern de-facto communism? And by this, I mean, what if we decenter ownership? I was taking the elevator up to do a bit of reading before I would take it back down to write this, and the thought came to me that our generation is increasingly, starting with music, fragmenting ideas of ownership. It's a bit complex, and I don't know how to talk about it without just sounding cheap or lazy, but when it comes to sampling, the debate is over who owns what. The problem is the "originator" of the sample thinks he or she has some claim on its use. The post-modern (and all of hip-hop is necessarily post-modern, I'll get into that another day) don't see it this way, not because they view what they created as new and different enough (although this is the legal defense), but because ownership doesn't mean much and, as it looks from the underground, ownership hasn't done much good for the world in the first place. Owners have power and owners exploit...and where does the line begin? Look at naming rights....If I had the hypothetical money, I could buy the "naming rights" to a stadium or amphitheater or something, but I couldn't buy the theater itself...just the rights to name it...and what in the world is that, but a word...and who owns words? We can act like we own words, but a culture owns words, a culture owns the letters that make a word. Then people claim them, and that's when problems arise, because it was on the back of a culture that progressive sought to create a lucrative business to mark a name as their own and buy the rights to a stadium....but who owns words? And who owns progressive? No body really...but someone claims power and exploits the uninterested, uninformed, and unrevolutionary masses. That's all ownership is. The people of Yap don't have a concept of ownership, and they're better for it. Does that mean I want people taking my stuff? Well, for the greater good, ideologically, sure. Maybe not though.....but that's why God has to be the center....then we can actually have a greater good.

But it's complicated.

I didn't really mean to write about communism today. It just happened. My freshman research paper in High School was titled "Karl Marx: Bringer of Ruination." I still think that, but for very different reasons, I think. He at least had the sense to point out injustice and exploitation where he saw it....The Church hasn't been doing that (and has been doing the exploiting) for hundreds of years, so I can't dog on Marx too much.

And next year, I'll be at Hillsdale, where you can attain the "Adam Smith" level of donation.

I'm thinking this might get a huge overhaul soon, this blog that is. That or I'll start another. That or I'll do nothing. I'm really interested in probing the usefulness of a regular blog in building and maintaining a support team (prayer and financial) for my time on staff. Really, my time in ministry....I'm thinking at this point that I'll only leave staff to pursue foreign missions...but God can do what he wants. Although I never really do see myself going into the non-ministerial work force.

So I don't quite know what this would look like, if I start utilizing it for ministry. I might have to change what I write about...although that could happen anyway, as my life changes. I would love to give the people supporting the ministry a more updated (than a monthly/bi-monthly prayer letter) look at what's going on, and allow for a sort of forum that that wouldn't....I don't know, maybe it's been tried, I'll ask some questions, seek some answers..and pray, and just think. I think, pray, and journal a lot. And it's good. You should try it too.

I'm going to send something to Germany today. Or tomorrow. But soon, in any event. I love sending things....it's the one time, and probably the dangerous time, when spending money just seems alright and I don't really miss it. Which is weird, because I don't get much in return...in fact, I get nothing but maybe a receipt. I think, however, that my "love language," as they say, is sending things to people. There is, of course, the "giving" language, but I'm not the biggest fan of giving things in person...I'm a huge fan on sending things and leaving things in people's rooms when they aren't there...that sort of thing. Surprises and little extras and letters are fun.

I wish I had journaled more in China. A lot was going on then, but I just didn't journal as much as I do now...I can basically look back at my life and track some spiritual, emotional, and mental progression for at least since SLT, and a bit before in the summer. But there is very little from prior to that...a little bit, and I found my first journalled prayer, which took place in China, over break...but it's just not as much as I have for more recent times...and I wish I had it. But at least, in a couple of years, I'll be able to look back and see that what I have now is useful for then, whenever it is that then comes up. So, you should journal, if only to preserve a picture for yourself of what you are now, and see what God has done, in future times.

I've got to go to one of a dwindling number of meetings. It's kind of sad...but at least the future is looking bright.

-Zack

"I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you"
-The Killers

Longer than I said it'd be

It's been awhile. But I don't mind, and I doubt you do either. Well, you might...but you certainly didn't say anything about it, so how am I to know?

Quite frankly, I don't know where to begin. Here's a list of all the things that have happened since my last post:

I completed a draft of my I.S., March 1st
I turned in my I.S., March 3rd
Eric Chen visited Wooster (same day)
I went home, March 4th
I went to Hillsdale, March 5th-6th
I went on the Urban Plunge, March 7th-13th
I went home, March 7th-21st
I came back to Wooster, March 21st
It's now March 22nd

And that's just a list of things, not even a story of what happened. And I don't know where to begin. I.S. really feels like a long time ago at this point....#28, and I just saw that someone is 189, so I'm like, 161 ahead of that, and that might not even be the most recent turn-in. It was, after all, nearly two weeks ago. I haven't gone to a class since March 4th. That's a long break when classes are still the same, when we return...and I won't be back in class til Wednesday, so that's a 3 week break for me. A busy break, and an important break, but a 3 week break all the same. And a great break.

Hillsdale is going to be interesting, and it's interesting that I haven't posted at all since I visited, because I definitely could have used this to process a lot, because my feelings after Hillsdale (largely brought on by the Urban Plunge) were definitely something of a roller coaster. At first, I was excited, because there is a ton of potential there, and I met some great people. Then, during the Urban Plunge, I was, quite honestly, a bit upset that I was going somewhere like Hillsdale...really, quite specifically, Hillsdale, because, through 3 Urban plunges, my heart for social justice is a whole lot bigger than Hillsdale's chapter seems to have...at least in very different ways...It really felt like a kind of waste, to go to Hillsdale, after all I've been through in InterVarsity, and all the things I love...and there isn't even much room for intentional and direct evangelism at Hillsdale! But God took all that. Sure, I had to give it to him...but it was a pretty swift healing process...or learning process, whatever. We visited Scranton Road Bible Church basically the day that all of my ill-will toward my placement came to a head. And the resounding message every singel person that shared had to say was that God will place you where he wants you, no matter how much you think you belong there. And if you accept that, he will do soemthing great. I got the message.

And the Urban Plunge was wonderful. The group was great, we got along great, and having the full week was perfect. The pace was perfect, and, even in my third run at it, I still learned a lot.

Being home wasn't much worth talking about.

And tomorrow is I.S. Monday.
I can't say I've always thought I would get to I.S. Monday. It's just so iconic, so monumental...so surreal really. But it's tomorrow, and I cannot wait.

I feel like there is much I want to share, with everyone, but just can't. Well, don't know how either. Maybe if it comes up specifically, I won't be able to hold it in.

-Zack
"The sun was barely coming up, my heart was all but slowing down, but I could hear and make out the sound, it was my personal symphony"
-Mae

Two weeks off....

This will be my last post for a couple of weeks...at least on Thursdays. Next week, I'll be visiting Hillsdale, and the Thursday after that, I'll still be on the Urban Plunge. Two solid Thursdays, I definitely think.

I made a huge intellectual breakthrough this past weekend.

I discovered what it has all been about...all of basically my last two years of thinking on the subject of the post-modern and how it relates to our faith. The predominant mindset within Christianity seems to still be that post-modernism is another enemy we've got to wrestle in order to defend our faith and our objective truths. The fact of the matter is, viewing anything as an enemy is actually a fundamental misunderstanding of the Gospel...I don't want to get into it too much here, but I was never content in thinking that post-modern thought was inherently worthless. Indeed, it was always alluring and I always felt that there was something to it I just couldn't quite discern, something deeply spiritual, indeed, something straight from the LORD. Maybe it was just me being unwilling to believe that the world is falling from God instead of tending toward him. After this past weekend, I do indeed believe the Kingdom of God began when Jesus came out of the wilderness (well, before that, but it's the first time Jesus talks about it being near), and we've been getting closer and closer to it ever since. It may seem like a sort of degeneration, but the emergence of post-modernism has brought us to the brink of the thrust of the Gospel.

I think I'm going to actually write about it, sort of a second I.S., but for personal reasons, after I finish my I.S.....I might use this blog as some proving ground for all of that, but I'm not going to get too much into it all right now.

I.S., as I've spoke of it, is going well....I've just got to edit 52 more pages then do whatever my advisor says on Monday. I can definitely see being able to turn it in Tuesday. I have no idea where the English Major I.S. handbook is though...I should probably try to come upon that if I can....

I'm going to start another book by Salman Rushdie soon...it will probably change my life...again. Post-colonial literature single-handedly made me believe recently-published books could be worth reading, and among the post-colonial, Rushdie is certainly the best.

That being said, I just don't feel like I can fully recommend Rushdie to anyone and everyone. Really, other than English majors, I think much of his aura could be lost...I could be wrong though.

All this could have a lot to do with an ever-increasing (although slowly) interest in the Indian Sub-continent....in any event, I'm looking forward to the reading experience.

Til next time,
-Zack
"And I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye"
-Rise Against

Ken Griffey Jr. being a Mariner again makes the world feel like a better place.
-Zack

Thursday.Repair

Hillsdale.

I've never been there.
But that will change soon.
In a big way.

March 3rd has become my personal I.S. Monday. But it's a Tuesday. Even so, it's my target turn in day, even if that means not sleeping between the 2nd and the 3rd. I had a great conclusion writing session last night (especially given my two large diversions) though, so it's looking good. I should be finished with a full draft Sunday, which means I can start editing toward final form at that point. My last I.S. meeting is March 2nd, so I'll go from there, to Children as Readers, to editing, to dinner, to Gospel choir, to editing, to hopefully sleeping, to turning in my I.S. That's my plan...we'll see what happens between now and then. No matter what, I think I'm going to wait til March 3rd to turn it in.....I kind of explained that last week.

March 4th I'm going home, March 5th I'm going to Michigan, March 5th I'm coming back to Wooster, March 7th I'm going to Cleveland, March 13th I'm coming home...March 23rd I'm celebrating March 3rd.

Then it's really almost over.

But that's awhile off. That's a couple of Thursdays off. Speaking of which, I'll probably miss the 5th. Maybe not though...I'll be at home that morning...maybe Mom will make me some eggs before I leave...that would be nice.

I'm pondering entering the 25 things discourse. I'm one of the few people that will call it that...but that's what it is...it's a certain facebook/post-modern discourse that urges the 25 things on....there's a level of "cool" that is maintained by not doing it, at least in my mind, or at least a level of resilience. In doing it though, you're giving people that generally like you a chance to learn about you, and that can turn into a fun experience all the way around. My biggest fear is that I can't come up with 25 things about myself I deem acceptable to share with the world. That's hopefully irrational, because most fear is irrational, and because a lot of people that I didn't think were anywhere near as interesting as myself (just being honest...sorry) became really interesting through their 25 things...so I should be able to come up with stuff too right? We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.

The power outage was not as fun as I thought it could be...mostly because my I.S. advisor never has lights on anyway....

I really love tea this week.

I really love coffee all of the time, but tea is making a stand this week in my beverage choices. Mostly, it's because I'm being lazy. That and I really like the tea I can get from campus stores, while I detest that coffee and making my own isn't always possible when I'm rarely in my room.

Speaking of rarely being in my room, it's very possible that I won't see my roommate until like, next Tuesday...maybe. It's a very real possibility that I don't see him until March 24th...at least not for an appreciable amount of time. But we'll see.

Thus far, Nas is hands down the musical act of the year for me. The 50 day old year, but the year nonetheless.
"There is a Light that Never Goes Out" could very well be my song of the year once more.....it's just so good. That will end up in my 25 things, probably.

If I ever have a 25 things.

Basically, my 25 things is going to be a few categories.....hopes, dreams, music, travel, and meyers-briggs. Could be, if I ever do it, that is.

-Zack
"Hands like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you"
-Anberlin

All but two of the blogs I follow are about special things....generally life abroad.  

But I update more than all of them....by a lot.

We're about to be powerless on campus for an hour.  I'm kind of liking the idea, because even for a scheduled hour, not having electricity makes me feel like our community is its own, even for a little bit.  It's like a blizzard or something... it brings us together, even accidentally, and even as an inconvenience.

-Zack

"The more I live I see, this life's not about me"

-Anberlin

I do believe it's true...

The sub-continent is calling me.

More on this in the future.

Far or near.

-Zack
"If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now."
-Salman Rushdie

Significance

I realize that I post a lot more than I had expected. I probably don't have to keep up my thursday posting appointments...but I will for the time being.

I must tell you that right now, I am exhausted. Yesterday was glorious, but it took a lot more out of me than I expected. I think it was my Tuesday-Wednesday sleep that is doing me in right now; I got a good enough amount tonight. Thankfully it's almost the weekend, but, on that hand, I don't usually sleep in much on the weekend.

Sorry, I don't mean to fill the space with mindless drivel...it's just coming out right now.

I'm just one step away from entering my "provisional appointment" to InterVarsity staff. Right now, that step is waiting for their response. I can't wait to find out where I'll be going. If I don't make it, I've actually got another job lined up of sorts.....more on that if need be. I think I'll make it though, so I'm not worried. I don't want to get too cocky about it all though...I've been getting too cocky about everything my entire life, and I've been trying to break out of that for just as long to limited but steady success.

March 3rd is apparently a significant day in my life, at least within the past decade or so. I'm not explaining that right now, but one is coming up, so we'll see what happens then. It's a Tuesday this year, which is, hisorically, the most significant day of the week in my life. I hear I was born on a Thursday though, so maybe I'm just wrong. We'll see. I try not to put too much stock in signs, symbols, numbers, and for-no-reason significant numbers/dates, but this march 3rd thing is actually kind of interesting. Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like explaining it right here, right now. Maybe in person sometime, if you're all that interested.

Silence and sleep sound so good right now.

But it could be a very long time before either come to me.

-Zack
"I found someone, I found you"
-Everyday Sunday

What is the line between trust and insanity?

What is the line between beauty and redemption?

What is the line between life and living?

What is the line between home and heart?

Where are we going.....?
-Zack
"Like it's something that you need, like it could mean everything"
-David Crowder

The Revelation that We All Must Cross

The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies

She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done

And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one

Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one

I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe

Maybe you won't quite understand where I'm coming from with this post, so I'm going to step out of my worldview for a moment and explain: my format is such that the midst of two lyric columns is a post-modern rendering of emotion and reality through words. However, because I am speaking specifically about an aspect of post-modernity that doesn't need a post-modern form of expression to be post-modern, I'm going to be explicit. And I'm going to be explicit in ways I would almost never be in so open a public place. But I don't think I have any readers right now. I wouldn't mind, in a couple of weeks/months/years when I have readers, if someone happens upon this..but it could be dangerous now. That, and it just might be evocative to the point of eliciting comments from people I didn't know were reading it. In any event, Valentine's day is giving rise to something of an outlining of relationships and love for me and for the world in which I live. I've also been trying a larger appeal to honesty in my life since the Super Bowl, and I feel like my unrelenting post-modernity doesn't always appeal to honesty. I mean it that way because I don't want to center myself, but I want to be honest about myself sometimes too, and more in my personal life than ever before. More on that later maybe.....

This will be the first Valentine's day for which I'm not in a relationship since my senior year of high school. Everyone loves parallelism, so you probably enjoy that more than I do.

I did a bit of facebook research and discovered that of all the girls I ever seriously wanted to date/dated, all but 3 are currently in relationships and all but 4(including those 3) are engaged/married...one has a kid already. That's Ciarra...she did things out of order, but I guess Juno did too. Those numbers might not mean much, but it means more than half are on the closer than farther side of nuptial bliss. One of the single former loves has only been single for a bit over 4 months, not at all coincidentally the exact amount of time for my current stint of relationshiplessness. I could think a lot of things about the statistics. More than anything, I guess I just think it means God is in control of love lifes. I basically pictured myself marrying all of them...all 11 of them, which is actually a very conservative number. But clearly, I wasn't the one for all of them.

On the other hand, the non-praising the Lord hand, the hand I wish I didn't have but do, it makes me feel like the bus is leaving without me, as all of the "in my league" as the lingo goes people in my life seem to be getting together right now. That happens in college, especially so late in the game (I've got 10 weeks of the total 120 left, so that's less than 10 percent, which means it's like the bottom of the 9th inning or something like that). Even so, it does beg the question of whether or not I missed some proverbial boat. But I say that fairly emotionlessly. I know God's plan is far from Carbon Copy, especially in regard to love of the romantic sort. The best analogue I've got for how I might end up is Jon and Julie Longacre, who were both around 30 when they got married...my first girlfriend had a kid before they did. As much as they clearly love each other, I really do hope I don't end up that way.

cut.

I don't know what it is about Audrey. By all counts, that really probably was my most successful relationship and I often doubt it should have ever happened. I mean Audrey as a form more than herself for the time being. I know Meg and I lasted longer, but we saw each other a lot less. I often think that if Meg and I saw each other more we would either still be together or wouldn't have lasted as long. Either or, I really don't know. I do know though, that what we did have was wonderful...however, the depth and growth of Audrey and myself in relationships, as a couple, and as individuals through the whole process was more than Meg and I ever got to have, thanks to being apart. So "best" defaults to Audrey. It shouldn't be quantified, but though I am a man of 5 "serious" relationships, but 2 of them ever felt "real," and one of those was insistently long distance. And I meant insistent, because even when we were together, it was rare that we were "together." In fact, when we were "together" (read: alone) was when the problems really arose. I still don't know what the point of any of it all was, I just know it all happened and I learned a lot, and if that was the point for what I'm going to basically boil down to two realationships (it's like the exact opposite of a friendlationship) and 30 months of love, then I'm okay with that. But I still don't know what it is about Audrey. She might be the first person I think of when I think about love and beauty, but maybe I still feel bad about the whole thing and everything with Meg. And I also feel a sense of loss. I don't own Spirited Away, but it's the most beautiful movie I've ever seen, and I bought it for Audrey for her birthday. I've missed a lot of things in my life, but since about October 10th 2005 I've not missed Christmas or a birthday for Audrey. It's irrational, horribly, horribly irrational. And I still bought her that sheep with the sweater. And I know she didn't lose those CDs I made her because I saw her hand them to Mark and tell him to break them during one of our last nights in China, and even then, I was said about it. But I had no right to be and have no right to be. There's another Anberlin link here, as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.

Actually, until I disqualifed Ciarra (3rd place in the most real relationship race), I guess I used to have a thing for exceptional singers. I'll probably tear up for an hour, from 2:30-3:30 on Feb. 28th.

cut.

I still wonder how much of me is in Meg and how much of Meg is in me. I'm not really sure what that means, but I feel like we got over that far too fast. Far, far too fast. That could belie a lot of things that I just don't understand. I hope she's well and pray for her everyday, but, maybe more than anyone else, and definitely more than anyone else that isn't engaged or married, I'm sure now that we weren't supposed to be together forever.

That begs the question of how I'm sure.....and I just am. It doesn't mean I don't look back on all of that fondly. It doesn't mean I don't feel sad when I see pictures of us on facebook. It doesn't mean I don't fear each facebook message from her because it could be some sort of me-instigated emotional breakdown. But it does mean that I know I was walking in faith, that we were walking in faith, to have called the whole thing off. Part of me does wish that this past fall conference was the last time I ever see Meg, at least until at least one of us (hopefully both) are married or something. There are a lot of things about that that would be so right...not the least of which being that dance. And there are other things about that dance that I just don't know about which, if (although it is terribly unlikely the longer I sit here and type without progress) other they fall into place, would make the whole things so ridiculously right God would look more poet than creator.

But our generation is addicted to relationships. We rely upon each other for validation as individuals and there is no deeper validation than that felt through proper, God-orchestrated romance. That might be "wrong" but it is right enough. I know we are to seek identity in Christ. I get that. I agree with that. But I'm not going to lie to you or make the wonderful Christian couples I know lie to me and say they aren't happier now than they would be if God never established the love between them. It's not everyone's calling, but how can we at all expect to be truly complete if we've not fulfilled so important a piece of God's calling for us as finding the love of our lives that he has established for us?

I sent a letter Tuesday, that I shouldn't have sent probably. But I know I did it because God wanted me to get past all that. Now we'll see how that happens. Although it may be that we don't see, and that's the point.

Strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze

And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve

Strange how we know each other

Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led

Strange how we fit each other

Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree

So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve ourselves instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side

-Zack
"Rise up and meet your father, join in the joyous resound"
-The Showdown

Till we have Faces is the most underrated (by me) book I read last year.

Thoughts of "Ungit" just crossed my mind, and it's been a really long time...like, last CFW long, since I read that book.

Last year was a great reading year, and C.S. Lewis was not only a genius, but he was ahead of his time.

-Zack
"Would you walk with me just for awhile, I'll take you out of harm's way"
-Mae

...and glory filled my soul

Heaven came down and glory filled my soul
When at the cross my Savior made me whole
My sins were washed away
And my night was turned to day
When heaven came down and glory filled my soul

O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
Day I will never forget
When I was wandering in darkness away
Jesus my Savior I met

O, what a tender compassionate Friend
He met the need of my heart
Shadows dispelling with joy I am telling
He made all the darkness depart

O, what a wonderful, wonderful day,
yeah, today
And O, what a glorious, glorious day
The day You came, came to save me
O, what a wonderful, wonderful day
The day You came and You saved me

The times of the deepest, darkest, hardest trials are times when beauty looks most beautiful and love most free. To even think that there is anything beyond it all, beyond all this, beyond what we can see and conceive in our own little ways on our own little world. That is enough for comfort, enough for strength, enough for transcendence in a world where there is no other transcendence And sometimes I just want to feel it, to feel that rush, to see that glory. But it's hard when it depends on faith and even the steps of faith, as you would call them, seem somewhat misguided. Oh why can't it be easier?
There is no answer now. I do not think there will be an answer for quite some time. But I know that there will be one. If nothing else, I have faith that there will be an answer, and when it all falls down, when it all crashes forward and backward and falls apart, it is then and only then that even the strangest of occurrences and the weirdest of instances will have any hope of fitting together. I've tried and failed, at fitting it together. And I wouldn't even say I'm fitting it together on my own. I would, indeed, say that I am fitting it together quite correctly, but the failure in the fitting is the intended outcome.

And maybe I'm wrong. I do hope to be wrong.
But either way, God still stands.
And he sits.
Over this all, this madness, this deafening, harrowing madness.
Although I can't see a way out, at least not now, not yet, just knowing there will be one will be enough to go on, even when there's nothing else to go on. And that's good, because there isn't going to be anything else to go on.

Here's a night, and it shines.
And it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side, and watch the stars.
They're ours.
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes get lost and go far.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
We begin, breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win, and take the game.
No blame. There's a neon light inside that shines.
And tearing down the walls in the way.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
It's cold inside, but deep in the night.
The light is bright enough to save the weakest ones but you're in the running.
Oh don't you give up or fade away.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Whoa, whoa.
So just let go and fall into it.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Every action makes a reaction.
We'll figure it out and make it happen.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.

How You know it's Thursday...

There is a man.

A certain man.

And for the poor you may be sure that he'll do all he can.

Who is this one, God's favorite son

Who by his actions has detraction magnets on the run?

It was Jesus, then it was Charles Foster Kane.  Now it's just a relic.

Kanye West said that if they rewrote the Bible today, he would be in it.  I don't doubt that, but I'm not sure what role he would play.  The better question, is what old-timey song would they write about him if he was around in the 20's-40's.

I think today feels like a good day for a revolution.

Don't worry, I'm not sure what that means yet.

But it's been 92 days since November 5th...or 4th, depending on how you count.  And for some reason, my phone is going to tell me that in just over an hour, and I have no real idea why.  But I think it will be correct of me to have said that today feels like a day for revolution.  But I don't know what that means.

LeBron, LeBron, LeBron.

52. 11.10.

You can't get better than that in a single game since the merger.  Unless he does better than that sooner or later.  

The oscars are Sunday.  I still haven't any of the best picture nominees.  But I'm pulling for slumdog millionaire on the advice of a friend who knows Bollywood and kind of lived there for awhile...as much as you can live in bollywood at least.  

What if you actually could live in Bollywod?  I know I'd be singing....

-Zack

"It's not your will for me to stay, your will for me's the opposite way"

-Leeland

Because there's something else there now, that's why it isn't.
Oh, but it is, isn't it?
Tomorrow, or never, is it?
Because there was or is or will be or would be. There's nothing going on here, oh how there is nothing nothing nothing going on here. And do they think we are blind, do they think we can't see where it is or what it was or what it would be when it finally was? And what of the mistakes, what of the missteps? Forget them, forget them all..

In the end it will shine.
But when, when will the end shine?
And why now? Why ever?

Because in the end, it will shine.

But because it will shine in the end, oh, it can't be shining now, but oh oh oh oh oh sometime, someday, oh , I know it will. Don't you?


And I trust because I've got no choice now, and when that doesn't work, well, it always works.

But it has never been about working or not working, it is just about trusting. Fully and freely. There is nothing else we can do or would do or can fathom. Just trusting trusting. Oh to be trusting, to know trusting. To see trust. Oh, but you cannot see trust. Trust just is.

I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to break down.

I'm just ready.

I won't go anywhere unless I've gone everywhere.

Disregard and retrace.

What does that even mean? Why do I even still search for meaning elsewhere, but apart from the only meaning there is anywhere?

So I place it in his hands again. I place it there, because there's nowhere else for it to go.
-Zack
"Host of heaven, sing over me"
-The Newsboys