Next year's NBA finals feel much too far away.
So right now, at this moment, "maybe next year" is the least amount of solace it ever could b.

But tomorrow the sun rises in Cleveland.
And we start toward the new day.

-Zack
"it's so thrilling and oh so wrong, don't have to prove that you are so strong cause I can carry you on my back after our enemies attack. I tried to tell you before I left, but I was screaming under my breath, you are the only thing that makes sense, just ignore all this present tense."
-Snow Patrol

This Singularity (is clear from a distance)

It is so weird to be home. I don't even know what home means anymore. It's undefinable. It's probably the concept I've put the most fruitless effort into defining since 2005....when I graduated from High School and started at Wooster. The best answer I have is that home and soylent green are the same thing: people.

But I'm not too sure what that means. I know that some places look like home...but things don't feel like home without the right people, and those people, for whatever reason, have to be how you left them, right?

But they can't. That's an impossibility...it's an impossibility that, when I think about it, scares me...but that's another story for another day.

I've learned that a lot in the last four years, and most especially this past weekend. I've heard it said that you can't go home again (and that itself is a line I think, from a song or something), and that true in and of the reality that people change when you leave them. I don't know how this applies to family. But I don't think family will ever work as the end of feeling home. It is just the beginning, if that. Family is always there...they always will be. It's the starting point and home is more a feeling than a technicality. Even life with your family doesn't feel like home sometimes....or a lot of times. I can take that to the bank, that's for sure. But I think we, at least as a culture, will refer to our parents place as "home." My grandma, dad's mom, still refers to central Ohio as "home" when she's lived all over the state and in Lima for the last nearly 40 years or so...it's just built in. But I don't think the feeling of home is attached to our name for it....sure, I'm "home" this summer because I'm living with my parents, but I'm not home when compared to what this all was when I left 4 years ago. It really does feel like I left 4 year ago, even though I've been here for shorter periods of time in between...I guess I didn't live in Ottawa then, so that makes something of a difference. Believe me, this place is different. Of course it is....things change, people change...but they're still people. Unfortunately, the fact of who someone is cannot often transcend what someone is when we paint in broad strokes and talk about theory. And I am different too. Very different. Very not-what-I-was-when-I-left. But I think I am better....perhaps I know I am better, and perhaps that is a problem.

I don't know if all of this is in and of itself a problem as much as an analysis of what's going on, what happens, what happens to us all. At the peak of it all is the undeniable fact that we will always structure our lives around the family unit...either where we came from or where we're headed. I've been in enough relationships to know that it's in the best of times with a significant other that "home" actually feels real again. It's true. Or at least its true for me. And that's what makes my life feel like it's on some kind of hold or just some kind of journey, entirely without a net. I am surrounded by people I love...but people that love others more...and I can't blame them. But it's the major change agent. It always has been, and I do believe it will always be so. It is alright...I am dealing with it and I am confused about it...and I am a best man in a wedding in just a few weeks now. Regardless of anything and everything, I know that where I am and what I am doing is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

And I don't think I am the writer I once was. Indeed, I know I am not. That's not really a problem, because I don't have to be, and I don't care so much anymore. All I really care about, when it comes to writing, is maintaining my own voice and not defaulting to the ever-present ministry tone....I don't know if it's avoidable, and I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, but there is a certain way people involved in ministry write, with a lot of unrealistic emotions, dodgy language, and turned truths...that I just don't want to slip into. That's probably a large part of why I keep this and use facebook for a lot of communication. If a setting gets too formal, I will lose too much of myself and my own voice. And my voice is important in its individual sense...not because I am important, but because God created me as me for a reason, and my voice as my voice, the voice he gave me, is important to him and to me. I want to lose myself in him, certainly...but I know in doing that, I wil find myself more purely, more true. And I do not want to lose myself in conjured, trite, illusive diction that seems to go with my job far too often.

Speaking of my job, fund development is the slowest job ever. No matter how aggresive you can be with it or how aggresive you are...it just seems that there will be times when there isn't much you can do but wait...and that's where I am right now. I know God gives us waiting periods for a reason, and I know I am in one right now for a reason. And that is alright...that is good.

I love basketball too much. I love the Cavs more....and LeBron falls somewhere in between the two. But I have got to stop caring so much. I think part of the problem though, is that I'm tying up God's love for Cleveland and my personal love for Cleveland and how much they just need and want (and have) hope that needs to be realized into the Cavs. Cleveland does not need a Cavs championship to have hope. They have hope. It's called Christ. Christ does mean Messiah, but that does not mean LeBron. It would be a good thing for the city if the Cavs went to the Finals and won...it would end a nearly 60 year title drought in all sports. But it's not the be all, end all hope for the city, it's not the solution...it would just be good. The solution is now and will always be the hope that is in Christ and how he is and will and will always transform lives and use them to rebuild and reshape that city. I do want the Cavs to win...badly. But more than that, I want to see the light of Christ shine into Cleveland and retake the city where it has fallen and where it has problems. Only Christ can do that...and never LeBron. But, I must admit, I am consistently impressed by LeBron's personal reinvestment into humanitarian efforts in the city.


I appreciate Wooster a lot more as a graduate than I ever did as a student....even before I stopped trying.

-Zack
"Four walls with no windows doesn’t mean they don’t exist"
-John Reuben

Turning, Turning.....

A lot has happened, since I last posted. I'm a college graduate now. I feel more like an InterVarsity staff than ever now. And I'm at home for a prolonged portion of time for a change now. And I love tea quite a bit (however old that may be) because I'm not such a fan of the strength of coffee my parents make.

Last week was one of the hardest, weirdest, most fulfilling weeks of my life, top to bottom. Last Sunday was hard. Just, physically, emotionally hard to get through. It was the last full day on campus for seniors, and really, it was the last chance to really spend time with anyone...and even say real goodbyes. Parents ruin graduation. Not really, but it's hard, sad, and ironic that they show up and suddenly, it's next to impossible to say goodbye or see everyone you wish you could have.

I had too many friends this past school year. Not really too many...just too many to make senior weekend anything but insane and tough on the "decision making" front...complicated further by unfulfilled expectations on the part of others...but that's okay, I totally understand. It just makes things hard, and I know I let people down. It was good, and on the whole, I don't have any regrets. Sunday night was perfect, at least as far as people go...

I'm struggling to think through what the end of college meant, with regard to my certain friend groups, but it probably doesn't matter because they probably won't intersect again...it's just hard to make choices. Like I said though, Sunday night could have been perfect as the meld and flow kind of worked itself out.

Senior music hour and the commencement concert by the scot band were amazing. I am so glad I have musical friends (I guess going into College I was kind of musical too...at least much more than I am now). And I am doubly glad that our class landed on a band year. Miss Ditmer knows how to bid farewells, and coming in with band freshman year made having a band concert on my last night on campus, even a band I wasn't in, special by all degrees.

I mentioned that I'm not musical anymore. I think there are a lot of things I'm not anymore that I was when I got to college. If I'm a better writer, I have a lot less faith in my skills than I used to, if nothing else. One thing is certain, and that's that I'm not at the same level compared to my peers as I was then...I honestly think, if I'm not a worse writer, I didn't improve much and I just made what I have work for 4 years....and did not get honors on I.S. for it. But it's alright....as you can tell, I'm still a compulsive writer. I used to be an academically outstanding student too...I used to care about how I did and strive for grades. I can't really be that anymore because I'm not a student, but believe me, that ceased after Urbana. Thankfully, I fell in love with film so I could get good grades without feeling like I was trying. Actually.....eventually...I wasn't. I think I got departmental honors because I got obsessed with film and landed with the right professors at the right time. That and God never quite let me get past my love for all things medieval. That helped....of course I had an unfortunate intersection with a nearly amateur medievalist professor right after Urbana and that hurt me...heck, it was my lowest grade in college. It's ironic to think about, but the professor I probably owe the most to as far as grades, honors, and just enjoyment of the college experience goes was on sabbatical, and that's why I got a B in Chaucer. Never even saw my sermon-illustration of a final.


Okay, okay, that little paragraph there was remarkably self indulgent. Sorry about that. I don't mind if you skip it.

But what am I now and why did I change? Why do things change? Jesus, is all I know, if they change for the better. And I do think they did. Sure, I'm not as musical, I'm not the writer I was or could be, nor the student. But in the words of Paul, if I had those things, I would count them all loss. I don't need them, and you better believe two weeks of intense evangelistic effort (one of them, for me, especially intense) are going to hurt your GPA if you're trying hard enough. And that wasn't all...oh, not at all. Sure, next year's WCF large group meetings are probably a reaction against a lot of my work...but bigger, broader, fuller was at least our goal and even if it's different now and I was just part of an experiement, it's about progression toward Glory for God, and that's what we've got and I was blessed to be a part of it.

Anyway, so I kind of cut off after Monday of last week, but that was only a slight bit of last week. When I finally got home, I was supposed to (and eventually did) drive to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for the remainder of the week on Tuesday morning. I got up early, as one ought to with so long a drive ahead...and Annie's car, dear Annie who let me borrow her car, had a flat tire. So I went back to sleep, figuring I couldn't do much til daylight. When I got up, my Dad helped me change the tire...and I drove North, got lost around Detroit (as in, went through Detroit when I should have stuck to 23 and skipped it altogether)....and got to Cedar campus about 5 hours later than my original intention. It was really fine though.....but it's a lie if you think one sleeps during senior weekend. I drove to the UP on about 16 hours of sleep since the Friday before that Tuesday...and like 6-8 of those were the night before that. I drank all sorts of caffeine in my effort, that's for sure. But I made it.

And it was weird. Because just about everyone I knew in the InterVarsity world (Hyperbole, but a representation of most of them at least, if one breaks them into sets by experience) was there...and I was tied to a group of people I was meeting for the first time. God had the providence to place us on different sides for the most part though, and that helped a lot.

Really, it was a great time. It really was. It was hard for a lot of reasons....I didn't know the people, I don't know the campus, and we were all coming at a tough issue from very different view points. But it worked out. Sure, I don't agree with Hillsdale students on much politically....at least not to the degrees they take it...and I probably idealize post-modernism to the mistaken degree that they demonize it (at least in practice...I doubt they consider it too much as, apparently, in an intro-English class they decided that authors have intentions and they matter.......ouch). We're different people. Very different. I'm very prepared not to fit into the Hillsdale culture (probably not prepared enough). But they are great people that God has a great plan for in the future...and I am so incredibly blessed that our paths get to intersect. Keep me in your prayers as I transition into what's going to be a tumultuous adventure of a life.

It was a hard week, but by the end of the day Thursday, I felt like the most blessed person alive.

I got to ride back with Wooster. I love them all so much. I probably can't measure how much I'll miss WCF friends, but I know it will be a great deal.

I've been putting in 7-8 hours a day on the FD bandwagon these days. I've got a lot of letters to send out.

-Zack
"And if the Lord should bring us back together may we be in his arms til then"
-Timothy Meaney

I'm caught in an instance of wondering if I'm getting too caught up in coincidence or if some very interesting things are falling into place. I won't know for awhile.
-Zack
"This time is the last time, so be here, be here now"
-Mae

I wonder what it was like, in the days before facebook....
I've learned of multiple pregnancies and engagements for people I've not talked to in forever already this morning.
I would probably never find out without facebook...at least not so readily.
In the case of some people, most certainly never.

The emo-end result? It looks a lot less common than I thought it was to graduate from college without being engaged or engaged to be engaged or even engaged to be engaged to be engaged.

But I still think that's more how it looks than how it is. I know plenty of happy people that graduated completely single...some of them still are, some of them found love after college.

And it's not all about love anyway, right?
Life, that is.

Well, maybe life is all about love...but certainly not of the romantic sort.

That being said, last night I had a dream...and quite the dream it was.

-Zack
"I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix"
-Mae

The Cavaliers may be having the best season I'll ever see from one of my favorite sports teams. That's awesome.
-Zack
"I know it's a dream but it must be true"
-Mae

I really like how empty the library is right now.

An empty (of people) library might be one of my favorite things in the world...if I get to be there.

-Zack

"Soak the ground in gasoline"

-Mae

We Could Change the World

We are walking, walking, walking.  Apart.

It's almost over.  Just 4 days from graduation now.  I finished my last paper yesterday and my only final on Tuesday.  That hasn't set in.  I don't know if anything is ever going to set in.  At some point, it will just all be over, and that's when it will have to hit me.  Or something.

I feel like I spend too much time talking about fund raising on here...but it's what's on my mind a huge portion of the time.  I've had good responses from people, but little in the way of actual funds...sent in or committed.  I'm going to have to work hard after graduation.  That's undeniable.  Really, it would be stupendous if my graduating friends could get jobs....that's definitely standing between me and some support right now.  And I'm sure they wouldn't mind it so much either.  I was looking at my prospects list yesterday, and if everyone on it gave 10 dollars a month, I would be at 85 percent of my funding.  That's interesting...but I know a lot of them probably won't give ever and many won't give for awhile.  That being said, hopefully many of them will give a bit more than 10 dollars a month.  

If you're reading this and received a letter from me though (or didn't, whatever) it would be sweet if you could jump on at 10 bucks a month because that would get me just that much theoretically closer to at least 85% of my funding...which is pretty close to the amount that I need to get to Hillsdale, and well over what I need to start getting paid....I've not even started dealing with alumni either...so I've got the prospects necessary, I think...it's just a matter of contacting them and praying and God moving them to give to the cause.  We really could change the world....if I could get fully funded and get on campus.  Hillsdale is kind of a powder keg...with the right spark, I know something huge could take place...something huge and wonderful.  

I'm not going to Chapter Focus Week, and that's really sad, for a lot of reasons.  It does, however, give me a couple of extra days to work on Fund Development stuff.

I don't feel like I have much to write about right now.  Perhaps I do.  But I don't think I do.

There were times when I couldn't wait to get out of Wooster over the years...going home was always a treat and something I relished each and every time.  Not this time though...leaving Wooster is among the last things I want to do now...it used to not be so bad...going to CFW was going to make it easier, or at least prolonged, having to leave everyone on a sort of permanent basis...but not going has kind of become a sort of train wreck I can't get around, and I'll just have to turn back from...or something.  I don't know...I just know that Monday is coming too soon, and every day before it sooner.

-Zack

"We were talking about the space between us all"

-The Beatles

Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world....

Last day of classes.  A day late, here, I know.  But yesterday was prefaced by a long Wednesday.  A very long wednesday.  I did lament missing my thursday post...oh well.  Lament is far too strong a word.

I think I'm refusing to subconsciously accept that it has been the last week of classes all week.  But here we are.  Last Oasis was last night....not as sad as I thought I would be, but I know I'll miss it.  Kitt is closed for close to forever...for awhile at least.  Even though last night would have been my last dinner in Kitt no matter what, it was much sadder than it would have been were it not the last meal kitt would be serving for at least a year.  

And today, I have my last couple of classes...then the WCF end of the year picnic.  A wonderful, heartfelt tradition.

I went to an Indians game Monday, and, in process, ate sushi and got free food after the game.  

Wednesday we explored Amish country a little...we spent too long at Heini's Cheese Chalet though, so we didn't see much else.  But it was wonderful, nonetheless.

I didn't quite meet my Fundraising goal for april....didn't quite by around $4990.  There have been snags, mostly related to having other things that I couldn't quite skip.  But I probably haven't worked as hard as I would have liked either.  But, after CFW, I can hit the ground running....I'll have sent out over 100 letters by graduation, so that's definitely a starting place.  It's also hard to know, because I think all the responses to my letters are going to my house in Ottawa....I could have raised a ton of committed funds and not know it....I'm not so sure if that's the case or not, indeed, I kind of doubt it, but God is faithful, and he's going to be faithful when I'm done with College and really fundraising on a larger, more serious level.

I'm excited about working with students.  It's making leaving Wooster a lot easier, knowing that the thing I did that I loved the most, ministry with WCF isn't leaving my life.  It's intensifying, elsewhere.  I know there is a lot of potential with the students at Hillsdale...not just because there are so many of them and a sense of unity could be powerful, but also because they are just smart, skilled people.  They are different from the average Wooster student....not on an academic level, but the passions and worries are different...and I think that, combined with everything I know so well from Wooster, could be a volatile, proactive, world-changing mixture.

That's my hope at least.

If, of course, I can get fully funded.  

Just 10 days til graduation.  That's insane.  I can't hardly believe it's already May.  

-Zack

"I've been putting off this purification, a rebirth and a regeneration inside of me, and I've been saying no for far too long even though something brand new is coming out of me"

-Mae